On many things

I've been in a turmoil all week. I found out on Monday that my dad is no longer going to do the business up here. Instead, he feels like everything economy-wise is dead and dying around here. (Which is true... in some ways it is.) So, he feels like he just can't get excited about doing this business up here. So, in a matter of 2 weeks, his plan is to be down on the Outer Banks making a go of it. The mother and the kids will stay up here while he gets things going down there. He wants me to move down with them.
The reason this throws me for such a loop is that 1: I need my family, at this point in my life they are my core. 2: I really want to quit at Cracker Barrel and do something different and more rewarding money-wise. So I was really looking forward to doing this with my dad. 3: I've had the itch to move for the last 3 years or so. 4: I'm really excited about this community farm we're starting. 5: If I stay, I'll need to make more money then I am because I couldn't afford to go see the parents very often. Especially if gas prices go up as much as they say they're going to. 6: I like a couple of people that live here. :-) 7: My sister would still be here...

I just don't know what I'm going to do.
So amidst this turmoil of deciding and trying to hear God's voice from whatever medium He chooses to speak through... Brent (one of the pastors at my church) decided to ask me if I'd ever been baptized. No, I haven't. I was too young when we were part of a church, and since then we church hopped so much, it wasn't really an option.  When I was younger, I really really wanted to get baptized. But now, I'm so untraditional about God stuff, that sometimes I even wonder if I should call myself a christian. Yes, I love Jesus and his teachings. But, besides that, I don't think it matters if he was born of a virgin. What if He was just a good man, in tune with God, does that make a difference to my faith?  I don't really know the answers to these questions.
So, being baptized, it's a symbol, of dying to yourself and living anew- Christ within you living through you. Part of me rebels at it, because symbols are just symbols. It's the doing that counts.
I asked Ricky about it, and his reply totally turned on the lightbulb for me. He responded with baptism is like a wedding. You're together before and after, the ceremony just being the official commitment.
That totally makes sense.
I was talking to my mom about it yesterday, and I was telling her all of this. Her response was "How does God feel about you getting baptized?"
That response totally frustrated me. God doesn't care either way. Our relationship doesn't change one way or the other. Or, maybe it does. Maybe that's why this freaks me out so much. If it is like a wedding, and commitment.... I don't do things halfway. If I commit, I'm in for the long haul. I don't feel like I'd be committing to God, but to Christianity. Maybe that's where I'm going wrong.  So that's where I'm at.
This muddled mess? That's what my thoughts are like. I live in a constant state of two sides at war, and trying to walk through in the middle, unwavering as both sides tug at me.

I heard something fabulous on Wednesday. But, I'll have to tell you more about that next time. Today is my dad's birthday, and I was just informed that they're headed up here soon.  Got lots to do.

Starry Starry Night

Today I wanted to give up so many times. I’ve worked the past 11 straight days, totaling about 90 hours. I am exhausted. To make matters that much more interesting, day number 10 I got sick. Battling this stupid fever head cold thing is not my idea of a good time. So today, instead of devoting myself to lots and lots of rest and relaxation, I cleaned the house. It had gotten to such a state of disarray. I detailed the bathroom, took me 2 hours. I switched over to the kitchen, and started scrubbing the stove, followed by the refrigerator. Started working on the mass of laundry in front of the washer, and cleaned my room. I just ended for the night with giving the dog a bath. I’m wiped. There is still so much that needs done, but I cannot go further. This is the point where it’s not just the lazy voice of procrastination begging me to stop, it’s pure and utter exhaustion.


I made enchiladas for dinner. Delicious. Now to read and write until I fall asleep.

I recently started reading Adam Young’s blog (Owl City), so it’s been fun reading and listening to his Valentine’s Day thing for Taylor Swift. Cute. He’s a fun kid. I think if I knew him, I would enjoy being friends.



There’s been a certain numbness to all things spiritual lately. I don’t know the reason for it. But, it is frustrating. I kind of feel like I’m trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. They speak of worship, and I grasp what they speak of, feel a void where said worship should be. Brent said something Sunday, that probably answers this question if I’d let myself think of it. That we are created to worship. What it is that we worship is up for debate. If God is our object of worship every breath, movement, word and deed should spell that out. But if he’s not, something else is. What does that mean for me?

What do I have in that spot? Am I so consumed with my lonliness, that I’ve placed God elsewhere?

I miss being challenged by God. I’m scared because I don’t know what I believe anymore. I’m scared of not believing in something I’ve grown up believing in. I’m scared of not having rules. I’m scared of not knowing. I’m scared because sometimes I’m okay with that. How do I grow and stay grounded? How do I see the whole big picture and not be distracted by the maze? I don’t know.

Sun and Snow

It's such a beautiful day out. Today is 7 straight days of working, and I won't be off until Monday. Which, strangely enough is Valentines Day. I don't even have a valentine, so there is no reason for me not to be working! We had someone call and quit, thus the hours I had to pick up. Only plus side is that 1, I'll have major overtime, and 2, I was training someone the whole time, so HOPEFULLY I won't have to fill that position much longer.  I totally made that happen too. Not the someone quitting, but the training a replacement. For some reason we don't hire in from the outside our back-up cooks, therefore we need to cross train people from inside. I reviewed the list of employees, and selected one, asked him if he would be interested... he agreed. So I pretty much manipulated my way into getting the managers to agree. It does help that they trust my judgement. It's hard to tell at this point if my trainee will make it eventually back there. Right now he's a bit too anal about things, and slow, but that could come with time. I guess we'll find out!

Today I'm headed to Panera to talk to a lady about a job. My time at the Cracker Barrel is coming to a close, and I'm ready for something different. She works for State Farm Insurance, so we'll see what she's offering and go from there. I am excited though. Something different will be good.

I miss my friends. I pretty much only have Erin now. The others have gotten busy, too busy to make the effort. That is achy. But, such is life.

I think that Yoganada guy hit the nail on the head when he researched the Christ Consciousness. The idea has been coming up all around me lately. Not the term of course, that's too New Agey, but the idea is there. It's crazy how and when truths are brought to light in my world.

That's it for today. I hope life is good wherever you may be.

Everything

Seeing as I have very few if any readers, you probably don't know that every once in a while I put profiles up on online dating websites, just to see if there is anyone out there. There isn't. Okay, I take that back, there are plenty, but with me being who I am, there is seriously no one out there like me.
One places asks you to choose how you define your faith the answers range from "I'm still trying to figure it out" all the way to "It defines who I am". I am both those answers but not the ones in between. I am still trying to figure it out and it defines who I am. But, the guys who do their answer as "I'm still trying to figure it out" aren't really trying to figure it out, and the ones that say "it defines who I am" are way too intense for me.
I want to meet a scruffy mountain man who cleans up nicely, he's probably an anarchist, he loves laughing, he loves reading and thinking about things, he takes care of himself and other people, he never wants to stop growing. This man believes in God, but doesn't worry about anything more than living out what Jesus taught in loving God and people. He probably is an environmentalist in some ways. He's approximately 6'-6 5". (My preference would be black hair and blue eyes... haha) He loves family. He's somewhere between the ages of 26-32.  I guess that's about it. I don't think I'm asking too much, but maybe I am.
So, if you happen to know of anyone who fits in with at least the majority of these criteria, let me know. I would very much like to meet him.

I spent the afternoon at Borders today finishing up a study on Philippians 2. Brent asked me to share my thoughts on it this coming Sunday at church. I immediately said that I would, but the more I thought about it, the more I was unsure of the whole idea. I'm more than halfway a heretic. I rarely read the Bible these days. Paul bothers me, and he wrote the majority of the new testament. For instance. In Philippians 2, he's talking about how we should treat other people as more important than ourselves, being humble, and so on. However, he ends out the chapter by being an ass. He's talking about Epaphroditus and how he almost died to supply their lack of service to him. He's just being so arrogant there, laying on the guilt trip that it bothers me greatly.

I also ended up reading Girards book "How to sell anything to anybody" Very interesting.

Happy Ground Hog day. Early spring this year!! ;) At least, it better be, this has been quite the humdinger of a winter so far.