In Everything Give Thanks

I've been right on the fringe lately of some sort of self discovery. It's not there yet, but it's getting there. I know it has to do with purpose in life and contentment. I'm not there yet.

Without anyone to stretch my brain or challenge me, I fall in a rut. It's easier to not worry about changing myself and growing.

Today as we all celebrate thanksgiving, I felt like it was important to name the things I am most thankful for. To adjust my focus.

I am thankful for life.  In all the ups and downs that it provides. In the chaos and the order. There is just that little nugget of wonder and joy just in the mere fact of being alive.

I am thankful for this journey of mine. Looking at the roads I've taken to get me thus far, there is not a road I wish I hadn't taken. They have all led me to where I am now, with more understanding, more compassion-
I know the person I could easily become, and I know that I have the moral fiber to remain faithful to the straight path- despite it all.

I am thankful for all of the people that remain in my life throughout the years. The ones that stay even after I move. I appreciate the effort they make, because I know how many have not. But even those, I am thankful for the memories of the time they were in my life.

I am thankful for the magic that is my life. The random conversations, the coincidences, the random hearts, the laughter, the joy- the ability to show love in all that I am.

I am thankful I have a cute little house, a car that hasn't broken yet, food in the refrigerator, and a family that loves me.

The sun is shining, and there is magic.

Thanksgiving week

As I prepare for the week- I bought myself a little turkey, and then stuff to make myself a small thanksgiving dinner. This will be the first time I've ever done thanksgiving alone- there have either been friends or family around. 
I don't mind so much, what I am struggling with was this time last year, I was arriving in Colorado.  Scared as shit, but deliriously happy.
I want to write out the memories, but I can't.  It's as though they're too precious.


I feel like I'm avoiding life right now with too much tv and reading.  My mind isn't being stretched. I'm not learning anything new. Simply filling my head with stories.

So magic isn't happening.

I can't escape the rut though, I mean, I could, I just don't know how. Or maybe I do- but defeat eats away at you.

I don't know what I'm supposed to be hoping for. I don't know what life to live. I don't know how to live any of them.

My life in Louisiana

What does my life look like now?
I get up every morning between 7-8, I eat breakfast, I go to the gym every other day. I go to work from 10-2, I read or watch tv on my phone during the slow times. I come home between 2-5, I eat lunch/dinner and take a nap. I go back to work between 5-9. I come home again and watch tv until I go to sleep.
What a rotten existence.
It cannot continue. This is why I left to travel the world. The monotony kills my soul.

Am I having an effect on people's lives? Yeah, sure. But hardly.
What am I doing?

I've been going to a charismatic church on sunday mornings, but it's starting to wear on me. I'm not charismatic. I've been attending mass a couple times a week, just to better understand the catholic culture here. But it doesn't feed my soul either.

I still see random hearts all around me. I know I'm in the right place. I know I'm following. But goddamn it all. I still don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how to function, I don't know what steps to take. I don't know what to learn, or who to learn from. I don't know how to share, what to share, who to share with.

I am still plagued every night with dreams of Micah. I think about him every day. WHY?! 
I have said there is no one on the planet that I love more than him, it's not an exaggeration, it's simply is a stated fact. It simply is. Now that love is inaccessible, like he's dead, only not. So what do I do now?  I've never had anyone that close to me die, so I don't know how to grieve and get over it.
Even now, when I think of people that I know that have died, tears well up. I don't lose people very well.
I only like happily ever after stories, otherwise, re-write it. But this is out of my control, yet still I try to conceive how a happily ever after could come to be, but there's just nothing. It's as though I don't get one.

And so, onward I go, pretending to live.

I just want to go home

It's like a bad dream, yet I'm living it. I can't figure out how to wake up. It's like I'm existing going through the motions, and for a while it's okay, and then something else bad happens and I just can't. I want to go home. But where is home? It's gone. Home only existed for 3 months in 31 years.
I didn't realize how much it would hurt me when Micah's friends deleted me off facebook.

I dreamt about being needed and needing people last night.
"I can't need you. I need to only need God." he told me at one point- the beginning of the end.
It struck me as wrong but I couldn't put in to words why it was wrong, and how to prove it was wrong.
If we were not supposed to need anyone but God, he would not have made 2 of every kind.  Jesus himself needed more than just he and God, he had the 12 and hundreds of others. Did He take alone time to be with just God? Absolutely, we all need that to recenter ourselves. To be able to die to ourselves and let God flow through us.
But "I don't need you or anyone else." Actually blocks the flow of love.  Of course you can exist without anyone else, but it's one dimensional. Things have no meaning.



I want to sleep until I can wake up and this has all been a bad dream.  How long do I have to suffer, God? Why can't I have a home?  Why can't I be needed?