My life in Louisiana

What does my life look like now?
I get up every morning between 7-8, I eat breakfast, I go to the gym every other day. I go to work from 10-2, I read or watch tv on my phone during the slow times. I come home between 2-5, I eat lunch/dinner and take a nap. I go back to work between 5-9. I come home again and watch tv until I go to sleep.
What a rotten existence.
It cannot continue. This is why I left to travel the world. The monotony kills my soul.

Am I having an effect on people's lives? Yeah, sure. But hardly.
What am I doing?

I've been going to a charismatic church on sunday mornings, but it's starting to wear on me. I'm not charismatic. I've been attending mass a couple times a week, just to better understand the catholic culture here. But it doesn't feed my soul either.

I still see random hearts all around me. I know I'm in the right place. I know I'm following. But goddamn it all. I still don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how to function, I don't know what steps to take. I don't know what to learn, or who to learn from. I don't know how to share, what to share, who to share with.

I am still plagued every night with dreams of Micah. I think about him every day. WHY?! 
I have said there is no one on the planet that I love more than him, it's not an exaggeration, it's simply is a stated fact. It simply is. Now that love is inaccessible, like he's dead, only not. So what do I do now?  I've never had anyone that close to me die, so I don't know how to grieve and get over it.
Even now, when I think of people that I know that have died, tears well up. I don't lose people very well.
I only like happily ever after stories, otherwise, re-write it. But this is out of my control, yet still I try to conceive how a happily ever after could come to be, but there's just nothing. It's as though I don't get one.

And so, onward I go, pretending to live.