Thanksgiving week

As I prepare for the week- I bought myself a little turkey, and then stuff to make myself a small thanksgiving dinner. This will be the first time I've ever done thanksgiving alone- there have either been friends or family around. 
I don't mind so much, what I am struggling with was this time last year, I was arriving in Colorado.  Scared as shit, but deliriously happy.
I want to write out the memories, but I can't.  It's as though they're too precious.


I feel like I'm avoiding life right now with too much tv and reading.  My mind isn't being stretched. I'm not learning anything new. Simply filling my head with stories.

So magic isn't happening.

I can't escape the rut though, I mean, I could, I just don't know how. Or maybe I do- but defeat eats away at you.

I don't know what I'm supposed to be hoping for. I don't know what life to live. I don't know how to live any of them.