adapting

I pretty much have had a major meltdown these last few days. Tears just on the brink- and occasionally overflowing. I'd be fine during the day when up and doing, but during the night, I'd get a raging fever, nightly migraines, and back aches so bad that i would have to sleep with a back brace on to keep my spine in line without the undue tension.  Joyful moments I could recognize but not grasp hold of. Blessings around me were noticed but unable to fully appreciate. So frustrating. That is not who I am. Why was it all getting to me this badly, and how do I fix it?

Heath still owes me money and it's really frustrating that I am not enough of a priority to him to do this for me. It's basically $300. That's pretty significant.  I wish he would just pay it so that I could stop obsessing about it. Do I ask again, or leave him be. Do I just let it go and decide that I may never get my money back? Sigh.


RJ is so anal about things and he thinks I'm doing life all wrong that it's so frustrating to talk to him about these types of things. All of my issues would be solved if I did life like him, and worked my life away stashing away all my money and not doing anything fun- because for him life is all about working and saving for the future.

I wish I did have anyone else here. But, I don't. And that's the hardest thing.

the irony

The irony is that I know this to be true. But somehow I let myself forget it, because it couldn't possibly be true, right? And yet, I know for a fact that it has happened 6 times previously... That's more than coincidence, that's a pattern. And now for it to strike again, why am I surprised?
Heath met someone else. Small and blond and perfect for him. I'm glad he's happy.
So this is the thing: if I fall for you, you will without a doubt, either while we're still talking or immediately afterwards- you will meet your happily ever after.

I should offer my services.

unexpected

So that was unexpected.

I didn't go.
I mean, I went. But, I didn't stay.  There was never a time that I felt good about the move. I packed up all my stuff, put it all in my car, drove up there. Got to my aunts house, and never unloaded my car. I worked my first shift...I spent the night, and still didn't unload my car.  I had to come back down for my last day here in Florida at the hotel job, and... didn't leave again.  I just never felt right about it. Staying seemed like the right thing to do. So here I am.
It took me almost a week to find a job, but it's at an ideal location, I'll be serving and managing from my understanding. I start work tomorrow. Thank goodness.


Things with Heath are hot and cold as always. Basically what I've gathered is that he ghosted me because he was upset that I was leaving and so withdrew instead of talking to me about it.  I had lunch with him the day I decided for sure to stay, Monday. He was having a shit day and was telling me about it, adding that I was leaving. "I'm not leaving. I decided to stay." I told him, and I swear his face transformed from darkness to light.
But he had a busy busy week, and I didn't hear much from him. Even when I saw him to bring him food on Thursday, and again to watch the highschool football game on Friday. I felt like everything else was more important than me. But, then he called me yesterday as he was shopping for a shirt to wear to the ball he was going to last night- and seriously we just hung out on the phone for about 2 hours. Tentative plans were made for lunch, but I could tell as soon as he offered, he realized that that probably wouldn't be possible, so I didn't get my hopes up. More tentative plans were made for tonight when he canceled yesterday. But, he's working all day, and I'm not sure how much he drank last night, so who knows how he'll be feeling when he gets done with work this evening. 

It's so weird and difficult and just a mess.
But, no one ever loves like you do. Do they? And some people need way more time than others. So, I'm currently giving him grace.
If someone else comes along before he's realized that I am important and that he does care more than he expresses- so be it. Until that point though, I will be his friend.

moving on

So, following the last post- things got wonderful- we had mended things to an extent- talked some things through, and then of course- it exploded in my face again.  And on that note, I am moving to SC.

I'm not at all certain of this decision, I have incredible trepidation in fact. It's unbelievably sudden...I have a job that I will start on Friday. I'm concerned about it, just because it's really different from what I've been used to doing for the past several years. But, mostly I'm concerned about the living situation there. I know for a fact that I cannot afford to live in Charleston by myself. And I know that I don't want to be spending all of my money on rent. 

It doesn't really and truly make sense. I have a feeling it's going to be temporary. Like until the end of January, and then come back down here.... Unless I'm just making a shit ton of money and can actually afford to save and live up there.

Last night after driving from 3:30am-9:00, and then from 12:30-6 I made it back here, and then went down to Heaths to grab my heating pad that I had left for him while he was sick. I didn't tell him I was coming, and his roommate ushered me inside. Heath got super cranky, but then walked me outside. You could smell the alcohol coming out of his pores. He'd definitely gotten tore up the night before.  There was no apology and I asked no questions, he just told me about his day and I told him a little about mine.  Then he was like "can we talk later, I'm so tired."  Yeah, sure, man, you're tired. I didn't stay up all night the night before stressing about you, and then drive 11 hours and make the decision to move all in one day. This is the last time you'll ever see me.... yet you either don't realize or it makes no difference.
Oh well.  If my heart ever needed cured, that would do it.

the saga just continues

Because things just couldn't get anymore complicated in my life...

Monday Heath texts me telling me that he thinks he's getting sick. Fast forward- Tuesday night I bring him food, Thursday he thinks he's basically dying, and asks me to come bring him medicine and gatorade. I end up spending the night. He just wanted company, because, really, who doesn't when they're sick. Friday I left only to run home and shower and feed the cat, came back to his place and spent the day snuggled up with him just watching various things on youtube or netflix - making sure he ate what he needed to eat and took medicine at the appropriate times. Saturday, he's better, and I've got stuff to do, so I head home.  I start feeling a little weird, not sick yet, but definitely on the verge. But, I don't get sick, so I took some vitamins, to boost my immune system. Ate a banana and an orange... sprayed some colloidal silver against my throat and called it good. I slept for 13 hours that night. Woke up with the sweats a few times during the night- so I think I got it all out. Felt almost completely back to normal today. Hoping tomorrow will put everything back to rights.

My heart is still walled up. Yes, I took care of him and snuggled. But, I don't trust that he'll ever be there for me. So while I'll love him, I cannot be in love with him. He's not what I need. It's sad.  For him, I am not a priority, I'm a convenience. It's always nice to have someone love you, when you want it. Sigh.
It's so tricky, because I want to call him out on it. I probably will sometime soon before this continues, because, frankly, it's the most loving thing to do. Not necessarily for me- but for his sake.  He's at risk of being very narcissistic... and I cannot enable that.

 

crazy

So I did something crazy yesterday. I let a guy come over that I barely knew, and we had sex. I met him Friday night when he checked in to the hotel- which was coincidental, because I don't work fridays. And then... I saw him Sunday when he was checking out and he asked for my number, if I'd be interested in coming up to Georgia where he lives to hang out on the beach or something. So I said sure.... he ended up staying in town with his friends until I was done with work, and came over. He wasn't hungry, so it wasn't really an option to go meet somewhere. So, I let him come over, he sat down next to me on the couch and before long was kissing me. And then touching me, and at first I said that I wasn't that kind of girl, but, I was soaking wet- and frankly just wanted him. But not necessarily him- just wanted to be wanted like that. 3.5 years is a long time to go. And I was so out of practice.
So. Yeah, that happened. I like him as a person though, but I doubt we're eachothers type. He's much more on the dark side, whereas my normal life is filled with sunshine and magic.  He said we'd stay in touch, but I don't know if that's legit yet or not. I've had one other one night stand when I lived in Seattle and swore I wouldn't do it again. But, I guess, it's my rule and I'm allowed to break it. Not planning on breaking it again though. It's just unsatisfying. I mean, it wasn't bad at all- my lady parts were happy. But there's a connection that's supposed to be there for it to be fulfilling, and because we were basically strangers.....

anyway. I'm not perfect, apparently. Who knew.

windows

I'm not going to try anymore. I can't. For my own self respect and my heart, I can't. I shouldn't.  It's a weird thing when you losing my love is the most loving thing to do in this situation. It makes me sad. But, that's the way it needs to be.

After a week of not talking, I texted him yesterday. Everything felt weird. He didn't open my text for a long time, so I assumed that he wasn't going to.  He tried to be fairly normal, but it wasn't. He told me he'd text me after his show/party last night, but he didn't. And didn't text me this morning, which is something he would have done before all this.  And so, I have to stop. And just let it all go.

It always reminds me of the song 'losing love is like a window in your heart- everyone can see you're blown apart, everyone can feel the wind blow."

I hate losing people. I hate caring about people this much. And I hate that it wasn't my choice. Either the loving or the ending. My heart just did it. Without asking. And everytime I would say no, because my head didn't trust....  And my head was right, so I feel validated. But, broken hearted.

who I am

I have been your biggest cheerleader. I have added your interests to mine, because that is a way for me to show that I care. I have been there for you when you've had stressful bad days, I've made you food, I've rubbed your back and your head. I've driven across the state late at night for you so that you would not fail at a job. I have loaned you money when you made a mistake. All these things and more I've done because I care. Because that's what friends do.

I choose wrong guys every time. The ones I end up loving are the ones who take what I can give and give back little bits, enough for me to stick around thinking that there is more where that came from. But 8-12 weeks later, what they have to give dries up and they shut down and push me away. It's strange that this is a pattern.

All I wanted was your attention, your love, and your soul. I gave you mine on a silver platter, and you took it, but when I hesitatingly asked for answers to questions of the heart you shut down and blocked me out.

My heart broke and shattered and walls got thrown up. I have to wall myself up and not care about you any more. I cannot. I'm putting aside your interests. They are not mine. I cannot invest my time into your world.

It should not have been too much to ask how you feel about me. You said we were friends, and then you said we had something. And then someone asked me out, and I just needed to know if I needed to be loyal to you, the one I love, or if you were still thinking we were just friends. I never knew where I stood, because I can count on one hand the times you made me feel like I was a priority. We never once did something together because it was something I would enjoy. It was always about you and your interests or what you needed.  And the biggest thing of all- besides a hug hello or goodbye- you voluntarily touched me twice. Once on the second date when you held my hand and once several months later when you rubbed my calf as I rubbed your head that was resting on my lap.

You left me wondering. And that is why I asked, even when I knew that it was a bad idea. 

I don't know why

the sky is so blue, or why I'm so in love with you...

I question everything. I don't want my heart to get attached again. We know what happened the last few times and it's never a good thing. I don't like the expectations, I don't like the obsession, I don't like feeling like I'm missing you- when I was just fine a week ago without you. But, then you had to go and turn my world upside down. But, it's really not your fault, it's my own. My heart was the one that decided to fall for you, just because you showed that you cared- at least a little bit.  Is it that starved for love, that the littlest thing will have it throw itself at your feet?


When I think about it rationally, would loving you fill my soul? Would you inspire me to be better, or would we settle into the routine of standardized life and relationships... because there is nothing appealing about that. Do you want more, could you want more? Could you actually love me?

And how do I tear my heart away before it gets too attached and inevitably broken.


I realized it the day I applied to a job in another state. It broke at the thought of leaving you. I still did it anyway. But, I knew it that moment that I didn't want to leave you, and that meant I couldn't keep telling myself that you were just my friend. You were the light in my life and brought twinkles to my eyes.

ask me to stay

One time, I would like to be asked to stay. Don't leave, don't move away. Stay. It's such a thing that only happens in story books though. In real life, you mention it and they clam up. Occasionally they push you away in the time leading up to your departure. Don't you know I would have stayed if you'd asked me to?

hmmm

Life is weird. And I don't know what end is up. I've had some ideas for a business venture. Just requires a shit ton of work and some investment and help from certain parties. We'll see if it will be able to come to any sort of fruition. But, it would alleviate the need to make money, and that would be nice.

Micah and his new wife had their baby last week, several weeks premature, and she was born with all sorts of medical issues and the poor dear died this morning. My heart breaks for them.

What a strange world and how it works and the things that come to be.

beach bum

The despair that comes with the nihilistic viewpoint eats away at my soul. Everything about me is revolted by this thought. Everything is pointless and nothing matters, so have what fun you can and leave the rest behind.

There is so many that go down this road, it makes me wonder why and how. I don't know that for most of them it is a conscious decision. But there it is.

I just watched the beach bum movie- which is where that came from. I kept wanting it to be more than it was. But, it wasn't. Reading reviews after the fact, it seems alot of people feel the same. There's a sadness and a bitterness in my soul after watching it. Knowing that I know people that live along these lines.


Life in central Florida continues... I am working at a hotel doing room inspections and front desk work. It's fine, but, not very profitable. However, all of the money gets put into my savings, so that's good.  I'm still working at the restaurant as well, and thankfully that pays all the bills. 
I haven't had a proper swim in over 2 weeks. I'm losing my deep tan because I've been working so much. Thankfully, that all changes tomorrow. Tomorrow things go back to normal, with a normal schedule. I do have to figure out better how to get the gym in to my routine as well, because with working as much as I do now, I'm tired after work, and the days that I have short days I just want to spend out adventuring or swimming. Which, does count as exercise, so I do understand that.  I've lost 15 lbs, which is something... but I still need to lose at LEAST 35 more. I'd gotten to the heaviest I've ever been in my entire life, and I hated it. There is some sort of hormone imbalance that I'm combating, hopefully, I'm getting it figured out.

I was talking to a few guys, but none of them have panned out. Heath wants to be friends, which is cool, I enjoy him enough to want to be friends with him too.  Craig and numerous others fell off the face of the planet. Dustin- the one I had such high hopes for, he disappeared too. I understand why, but it still makes me sad.

Joe has a girlfriend, that he shouldn't keep, but do I actually want to be the catalyst for that? Nope.

I just am lonesome. I miss having someone want me. I miss having people to do things with. What am I really doing with my life? I say I'm working towards a goal, but am I really?  Do the boring bits actually mean anything?

june thoughts

"can I call you in a few?" "sure," I respond. "Can we talk about sex?" I pause. I don't know him. Why would we talk about that on our first conversation, does he want to know me, or is he just interested in phone sex?
I respond carefully. "That is a curious question."
He calls, we talk for quite awhile, we have similar backgrounds and similar outlooks on life. Except- he keeps bringing the conversation back to sex.  I can tell where it's heading. He wants to have phone sex, and play a game of imagination.
Why. It's not real. You've never met me. How is this behavior okay?
I give him the benefit of the doubt, and agree to meet him for lunch today.
I have my guard up the whole time. I can tell by the end he's gotten tired of trying to push through. Maybe if he was more attractive I would have let him, but I'm not that attracted to him, and the obsession with wanting to know what color underwear I was wearing, and other steps in the off color was a bit too far down the path of crazy for me.
I appreciate that he thought I was attractive. But, on the flip side- please try to know my soul first. I need that to be the thing that initially attracts.

Why does it have to be so hard? And why do I keep trying?

expectations and hope

So my life I attempt to keep at an even keel. I don't like the highs and lows because it makes me feel imbalanced. And I cannot let my emotions rule me, because they are treacherous tricksy devils. 

I've had one toe in the dating game my whole adult life, crushes here and there... but nothing that came to anything until I was 28. How was my first relationship not until I was 28? I have no idea, there are mysteries in the universe.
It didn't end well.
There was hope on my side, that he was good. That who he was with me was who he wanted to be.  That wasn't the case. Instead, I was simply someone to pass the time with, when there was no one else. But then he found the one who was his happily ever after, and we stopped being friends.
It hurt alot, actually. How could someone who I had been friends with for years, and then developed a relationship with for a few months, just drop me like a hot potato, was I nothing that whole time?
My rebound was a boy, but I didn't know it at the time. He lied about his age, and then I saw his ID and knew.... But, he was fun, so I let it slide and never said anything.  He was 22 and I was 29. That only lasted 8 weeks until he told me that he had thought he was looking for a long term relationship, but he actually wasn't.  A few weeks later, he was in a relationship- and still is to this day.
I never met the next one- but he counts because it was several months of talking, and sharing, and sending eachother songs, and major life moments. But, then he wasn't bored anymore, and he didn't need me and decided that he was not a one girl kind of a guy, and that too came to a screeching halt.
Then I got involved with Micah- automatic best friends and then lovers, and then nothing. It went from you are perfect, your voice was made for me, you help me fight my battles like no one else, you make me feel loved.- To, I can't. I can't be friends. You need me too much. She's still on my brain. I only half love you. You deserve better. And then to the next level of I hate you and want nothing to do with you and stay far away from me and my family or there with be dire consequences.
When I did nothing outside of the norm. I never knew what he needed from me. One day it would be one thing and the next it would be the total opposite.
I waited 3 years after that one to date again. It's hard to recover. That was 2 years of alot of heartache in quick succession.
All of them made me feel not enough. Not worth the effort. And, even though they were all interested at some point, it was never a lasting interest and there was nothing I could do to keep that interest.  Was I boring, was I too GOOD, what was it?
I went out on a few dates, but it was always just one date and then I would get ghosted.  And if that doesn't play games with your psyche I don't know what does. How am I supposed to have any self esteem if no guy is actually interested?
Well, the answer to that, is to make sure that my self esteem is not based on anyone elses' opinion of me. That I enjoy myself and my own company, and if in the future anyone wants to join along, that'll be cool, but otherwise....
But then when someone does play at being interested one day and not the next, it's too up and down for me emotionally, and I get confused and how do you step back and let things unfold and not have expectations but still have hope? 
Life is hard. 

loved and wanted

There are days there is a lump in my throat. And I ignore it as best that I can. There are days that I just so incredibly miss being loved and wanted.  I am loved often, and I am am wanted occasionally- usually by married men. But, I have only been loved and wanted once. And having known that- there is a deep ache in my soul missing it. But at the same time, I feel myself forgetting what it was like.  And that makes me so sad.

Someone told me today that I am winning at life. I don't feel like I am. I struggle. Alot.

on fb today

As I sit and contemplate my life and how it's gotten to where it is now, the ups and downs of faith.... The fact that today marks Good Friday is not lost on me. The year I turned 30 was the time I stepped deeply out in faith with the desire to learn how to Love like God loves. It was not easy. My path became tumultuous. Ups and downs, joy and pain, people came into my life and and others left. Thousands and thousands of miles were put on my car and on my feet as I traveled the length of the United States a few times and then explored Europe. 31 and 32 I stepped further and further into the faith of living by being in tune with the voice of the Spirit. I learned about expectations, and how God doesn't force people to follow the destiny of their best lives. That loving people is always the best road to follow, even though the result may and probably won't match your expectation.
Now I'm 33, and 34 will be here in a few short months. Today is the day though that we mark the death of Jesus. He too, was 33. It's pretty earth shattering to contemplate.
He knew of the betrayals and loved anyway- to no lesser extent.
There are too many feelings to put more into words.
I pray for my life to be an example of love, that hope is the thing that I can share with the world.

Florida

It's been awhile since I updated- and I should have.

Things are going... good? I had such a fun roadtrip- got to spend so much time with my brother nathanael- which was awesome. I love him. He's so firey about injustice of any kind. Sometimes he lacks grace for differing opinions, but he has a good heart. It's weird that we've spent so many years apart at this point, that I feel like I hardly know him, but do at the same time. The younger kids had such a different upbringing and traumas in their lives. I feel bad for them.

Florida is good. Staying with Aunt Barb and Uncle Mike - but they leave for Georgia on the 10th, so I'll be here alone until November when I leave for SC.

I was talking to this one guy Dustin who was from NY, but down here visiting- we seemed to be automatic friends which spelled good things. But then, like they all do- he fell off the face of the planet.  So I'm talking to another one- Justin.... which would be weird because Erikah's dude is Justin. We seem to have a fair amount of life in common- but he's definitely crazier than I am- and I don't think God is a factor in his life. Which means, we probably don't have enough in common. But, right now it's fine because we just chatter about life.

Work is... difficult. It's about 50 years behind the times with their hand written checks, low prices and lack of organization. Oh well. It's just going to be a part time gig for me- so after Barb and Mike leaves, I'm going to get a different job, probably a night time gig in addition to this one. We'll see. I just want to make money.

We're off on a boat adventure. 

Leaving again

So, I'm actually leaving again- on the 22nd.

Headed to Florida for March through October or so. It's going to be an adventure!!! 

I'm sad about leaving everyone- but, at the same time- i'm ready to go. This style of life can't continue. 

I don't want to leave- but I don't want to stay. It's very conflicted.  I don't want to have a going away party, I just want to leave!  So I'm thinking about just telling people if they want to stop by the house, then they can- as I pack the car on the 22nd. I still haven't gotten rid of the couch yet, which is a little concerning.  They need to go! The bed and the washer and dryer too. The rest I can donate somewhere- but these need to get some money from anyhow.

changes

Well, the time for leaving is here. It depresses me and excites me at the same time. Monday, when I decided to go, I was excited. Tuesday, I just felt lonesome and depressed. Today, today I feel both.  I hate to leave. I hate to give up on my life here. But, at the same time- I can't afford to live here. So, it's time to go. With my brother having a kid- it's time to be closer, or at least in an area that I can afford to go visit. I have 3 years to save like the dickens so that I can afford a house to be used as a bed and breakfast. We'll see how it comes together.

I'm not sure at this point if I'm going to move back home for several months, or if I'll just go housesit for my aunt in florida. I just don't know.
I'm going to take a trip to go check out florida in a few weeks- that way I can make a more informed decision.
I still have to tell my landlady. But, I'm pretty sure at this point that I'm leaving the first week of March.

and so the story goes.