So my life I attempt to keep at an even keel. I don't like the highs and lows because it makes me feel imbalanced. And I cannot let my emotions rule me, because they are treacherous tricksy devils.
I've had one toe in the dating game my whole adult life, crushes here and there... but nothing that came to anything until I was 28. How was my first relationship not until I was 28? I have no idea, there are mysteries in the universe.
It didn't end well.
There was hope on my side, that he was good. That who he was with me was who he wanted to be. That wasn't the case. Instead, I was simply someone to pass the time with, when there was no one else. But then he found the one who was his happily ever after, and we stopped being friends.
It hurt alot, actually. How could someone who I had been friends with for years, and then developed a relationship with for a few months, just drop me like a hot potato, was I nothing that whole time?
My rebound was a boy, but I didn't know it at the time. He lied about his age, and then I saw his ID and knew.... But, he was fun, so I let it slide and never said anything. He was 22 and I was 29. That only lasted 8 weeks until he told me that he had thought he was looking for a long term relationship, but he actually wasn't. A few weeks later, he was in a relationship- and still is to this day.
I never met the next one- but he counts because it was several months of talking, and sharing, and sending eachother songs, and major life moments. But, then he wasn't bored anymore, and he didn't need me and decided that he was not a one girl kind of a guy, and that too came to a screeching halt.
Then I got involved with Micah- automatic best friends and then lovers, and then nothing. It went from you are perfect, your voice was made for me, you help me fight my battles like no one else, you make me feel loved.- To, I can't. I can't be friends. You need me too much. She's still on my brain. I only half love you. You deserve better. And then to the next level of I hate you and want nothing to do with you and stay far away from me and my family or there with be dire consequences.
When I did nothing outside of the norm. I never knew what he needed from me. One day it would be one thing and the next it would be the total opposite.
I waited 3 years after that one to date again. It's hard to recover. That was 2 years of alot of heartache in quick succession.
All of them made me feel not enough. Not worth the effort. And, even though they were all interested at some point, it was never a lasting interest and there was nothing I could do to keep that interest. Was I boring, was I too GOOD, what was it?
I went out on a few dates, but it was always just one date and then I would get ghosted. And if that doesn't play games with your psyche I don't know what does. How am I supposed to have any self esteem if no guy is actually interested?
Well, the answer to that, is to make sure that my self esteem is not based on anyone elses' opinion of me. That I enjoy myself and my own company, and if in the future anyone wants to join along, that'll be cool, but otherwise....
But then when someone does play at being interested one day and not the next, it's too up and down for me emotionally, and I get confused and how do you step back and let things unfold and not have expectations but still have hope?
Life is hard.
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