the eve

It's the eve of a new year and what to show for it?

I read back on my post from last year... I said that I would love, that I would enjoy the processes. And I have. I have loved-  and enjoyed the moments. So I guess it's been a success.
I feel incredibly out of sorts today, probably because it's a period day and the desires that are in full force.

I cried out to the Father today, I just ache. There is a hole, and I don't want to feel it. It's really strange, and I have no idea what to do. There's a part of me that just wants to go out and find someone else. But then another side of being fine, and not wanting the hassle and the emotions.  But I miss someone meshing with me completely- someone to laugh with, someone to flirt with, someone to plan adventures with, someone to make the world a better place with. Someone to talk to about God, someone to inspire me to be better. Someone who thinks I'm awesome.

I could choose any number of guys if I only required a partial list, but the thing is, I can't settle, no matter how much my body craves a man, no matter how much I miss the connection of souls.


This year brought so many ups and downs. Hope and heartache, friends and dismissal.
I don't know what next year will bring. But I pray that the limbo ceases, that things settle. That I figure out how and why and what to do.

loss and brokenness

Do what is right
they always say
but what is right
who is to say

relationships broken
anger and hurt
does everything past
count now as dirt?

Lost and confused
how did this happen
what can I do?
can miracles happen?

One day at a time
is all I can do
and to only myself
can I be true.

thoughts at midight

Not so long ago I wrote a short little ditty about how my heart was like a bungalow on the beach.  Doors and windows flung open,  rooms for everyone.  There has only been a few renters,  once it was nearly given away,  but the recipient backed out. 

It's a funny thing my imagination.  This house I live in now,  it reminds me of the house in my imagination.  Obviously it's not on the beach,  it isn't bigger on the inside and come with unlimited rooms.  But!  It's white and wood,  and there's at least 3 windows per room.  As long as the sun is out it brightens up my house.
There is a peace,  a serenity living here.  Filling it with plants and beautiful things,  filling my living room with friends and laughter. ... that is my future.

I listen to sermons as I go to sleep most nights. I know that's super weird, but it keeps my brain focused.  Somehow everything I listen to, not on purpose, is themed around not giving up, to hope, to trust even when there is only darkness ahead. 
Especially now for Christmas, the theme is always hope. It's a word that brings an ache to my soul.  I always have hope, even if it's an unknowable hope. I don't know exactly what I'm hoping for.

I just miss him this time of year especially because it was between thanksgiving and the middle of january that I was with him. I got dressed this morning, and then realized that I was wearing the same thing I wore the day I moved there and saw him for the second time. I forget so many things, why can't he just fade into the past? 

christmas and hope

I still continue to struggle with expectations, and the disappointments that come with that. 

I dreamt again last night, probably because he uploaded a new song. "What Prayers Sometimes Sound Like"- and he says in the lyrics that he is childless and loveless. There are so many things I wish I could say to him.  'You may not have the love you wanted, but there is still one who loves you true.'  'The demons of your mind that torture you hold you in a path of despair. Take action. Use love to win the war. It/HE is the one who holds power over all things.  There is a battle for your mind, to keep it in the past, with what might have been.  But surface from that pool that drowns you, now in this moment, what steps can be taken?  If there are no physical steps, grow yourself- teach yourself to love like Jesus. Each step of the way, each person you cross, each annoyance, each joy- give freedom to the LOVE within you- and Jesus will shine through. 

The thing is though, I cannot say these things to him. 

In the dream, he was holding two rulers- on the end of each was an engraved heart.  He held them up to a calendar- he looked up and saw me. I hesitated I wasn't sure if I should stay or go, I knew how much he hated me now.  "Come see," he said. I went over to him and looked. "9 and 4" I said, as I saw it, barely containing the excitement. "You realize what this means?"  "13!!" we both said together. "It's a sign. Never give up HOPE." he said. 

Once I was awake I puzzled over it. I don't know what the heart rulers meant, and I don't understand the calendar. But I do understand the 13. I also understand "never give up hope". 

My dreams are strange. 

dreams of you

I dreamt of you last night.
In the dream I was with your mom, she got a phone call from some old friends of hers. They were going to be at your house for Christmas Eve. She hadn't planned on going over there at all, and the weather was bad, so she was telling them that she wouldn't be able to drive her car over there. I volunteered to drive her, to which she gratefully accepted. There was this whole discussion of me telling her how I couldn't stay too because you would be there.  But when I brought her, it was insisted upon that I should stay. I came inside, your house wasn't quite the same as in real life- as dreams are wont to do. I could see Ian and Brandy sitting on the couch in the living room. I got the impression you were with them just around the corner out of my view point, so I didn't enter the room. I had zero desire to foist myself on you. Your mom went in there to see her friends also, so I made my way out to the yard.
I find myself back inside sitting at a table. Ian and Brandy join me, as does your mom. And then you come around the corner. You are in a mechanical wheelchair- paralyzed- with limited movement.  Tears welled up in my eyes as I saw you. "I didn't know. Motorcycle accident?" I asked. "Yes. But I get around okay with these eight buttons." There was humor in your eyes. I slid out of my chair to the floor,hugging my knees and sobbing.
It was impressed upon me that this wasn't permanent. But the look in your eyes- the anger and pain were gone. Just humor and love were left. It was the fact that this was the catalyst for you to learn truly- the love of God, and you couldn't play your guitar or walk - but there was humor in your eyes.  I woke myself up. I couldn't dream this dream.
I fell back to sleep.
 I was still without a home. Staying with random people. Your mom had moved back in, and she insisted that I spend a night there. You were home, so I didn't want to. I managed to avoid you, but when I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night, you were asleep on the couch. I tripped over your feet as I walked back to the bed where I was sleeping. You stirred but didn't wake. But then as I headed up the stairs I saw you just looking at me. I got back into bed, all worried because I didn't know how you'd react to my being there. But then, you followed me up the stairs and crawled into bed next to me.


I miss you.

and I'm back

I have returned to Louisiana.

I drove in last night and now it's time for something new.

I don't know what.

I have no idea what life to carve for myself this time around.

So I'm going out to search for it.



Ever lost, but following.

for some reason

I have been watching chick flicks the last two nights in a row. I don't usually.  I don't like the feelings. I don't like feeling like everyone else has someone but I don't. I don't like that everyone else gets happy endings and I just have to be happy with what I've got. Which isn't so bad, but no one loves me. No one thinks about me every day. No one wants my happiness.  So, that's why I don't usually watch them.

I worry about making a mistake. I worry about going back to Louisiana. I worry about expectations. I worry about living the life I was designed to live. I worry about how to make the best of this life I've been given. 

life and changes

I have been thinking alot lately about my life. 

It happens much more frequently when I'm about to make a life change. I realize that I'm moving back to Louisiana, but I plan on having a different job, a different house. Things will simply be different.  So now the idea is running about my head. What do I want my life to look like?  What am I hoping to achieve?  

Now I know that I want to go to Australia as soon as I can. I know that I need to update my passport. But all that information is in storage back in Lousiana, so I can't do anything until I get back there.  I know I'll need to save at least 3grand to go, which shouldn't be that hard. Hopefully.  But I still need to figure out what I want my life to be. 

I don't know. 

See, I need a useful life.  I don't see the point of living merely for me. And also I know my life is being watched. Observed. So I need to make sure that I am living the best life I can. That the choices I make are made out of love for God, people and myself. 

But I also know that I make a difference where ever I am. That I don't have to try to live a useful life, it's like forcing something that would come naturally. 

What am I actually doing in Louisiana? Experiencing community?  Okay. Did that. Now what? Continue in that? 

I don't know. 

What about church? Do I resume where I left off?  What about the fact that I disagree with things? What if I have to be a chameleon to be there? To say the things and be the one they want me to be?  I can't and I won't. 

So where does that leave me? 

I just simply do not know. 

on and on and on

There was another few days on the brink of depression. Of course due to expectations not being met. I swear that seems to be the cause of all unhappiness. I managed to stave it off by avoiding thinking about it at all. It's like sometimes my mind needs to wallow and then release through the words that I write on here, and other times it needs to just avoid thinking about the situations at all.

Money is getting tight.- Just because I need to have money when I get back to Louisiana. Right now I might be spending more than I'm making.  Plus, I have got to be off work for the whole next week.
But it'll be okay. I'll be able to work immediately after getting back at white fox. But that will just be temporary until I find something else that pays better and the hours are better for what I want to be doing with my life.

I'll need to figure out where to live.... that one might be tricky.  I did love my little house despite the weirdness. I wish I could have that same house, but further back on the property- instead of in the middle of the driveway.


I also need to figure out what I'm moving back for. What I want my life to look like. Entering in exactly as I left off, might not be the best option.  There's also this little thing in the back of my mind that it might be time for something else also. But that it hasn't surfaced yet. It feels like it was a facade. My disbelieving head thinks that there is no possible way that it could have been legit.

Where is God in all of this? Where are my answers? Where is faith and hope?  - It feels like they lie trapped beneath the surface. They're there but frozen in time.  God, obviously is bigger, so He makes His presence known throughout all of time and places- in small ways. But even still the majority, the big stuff is trapped beneath the frozen exterior.


I don't know.

ever lost

I had crazy dreams last night.
The first dream the only part I remember was an altercation with a man who was trying to get the better of me. It was like a deal of some sort, he would allow me to  ??? I don't remember. But in return, he would have free access to all of my stuff. That was never going to happen, and when I refused to back down to him, he pushed me over onto a bed and continued to try to break me by rape.
I didn't back down. And I was aware enough at that point to change the dream.
Why would I dream something so terrible?

The next dream I was being chased by men with machine guns. The weapon I had didn't work, so I had to out wit them. Which  I did by going into a meeting room, and pretending I had been there all along. Having to rely on the others in the room not to rat me out.

Strange dreams.


Time is drawing to a close. 2 more weeks of work.
I'm worried about work. I'm worried about taxes at the end of the year, since pretty much everything was under the table this year.
I'm concerned about finding work when I get down there. I'm concerned about finding a place to live. I'm wondering if it's the right move to make. 

Ever lost.

sisters

I've been having the most unbelievable conversations with my little sisters at night. They seem to trade off nights. I get home from work, and they come out of their room and sit with me and talk for hours. It's been really good. I love them.
The parents are pretty much planning on moving, so there is now the question of what the girls will do. Where they will live. Who they will live with.  I guess right now, the thought is that Jerusha will go live with Nathanael in Seattle for a while, and Susannah will come live with me. At least for a little while. I'm fine with that, I don't know how much she will like it though. While she and I are alot alike- there are other ways that we are not. She's attracted to the big city, the cutting edge, fashion. I don't give a shit.  I like authentic life, meaningful relationships- the people I've found in Louisiana provide that to an extent for me.   But I don't know if they will be what zannah needs in her life.
And Rusha living in Seattle with Nathanael, that worries me. The people there are... hard. They're very alternative, so much so that when you're around it all the time, you feel like it's normal, and you lose touch with the rest of the world.  So I worry, she's just now discovering who she is, and I'd rather her not be influenced too much by the crazy that is there.  There's alot of good things, but a whole lot of crazy.


Life continues.

metoo

There's been this hashtag going around lately, the one of MeToo. Identifying women subjected to sexual harassment/abuse. I may have never felt harassed, but I have a forgiving/compassionate nature- so I don't get offended by it. But, yes, it happens all the time. I remember the first time a guy asked me if I masterbate. And then he told me he would show me how to orgasm.  Gee. Thanks.
Even yesterday I had one of the guys I work with ask me to go to the bussers closet with him. Later, he sat down next to me on the couch and kept putting his hand on my leg, which I would speedily remove.
I know he's only messing around because he knows I'll never consent. He wouldn't know what to do if I did say yes.

I miss having a man. I miss being made to feel beautiful. I miss having a protective hug when life was hard. I miss having someone to do things with, that I felt safe with. I don't want to always be on my guard. I don't want to always have to be the one who makes sure things don't get into dangerous territory. I don't want to have to say no.

I see the sun go down on the river
I feel the wind blow, I would've stayed to gray
I feel the air around you, it's kinda closing in
Do you feel it fall or do you feel at all? I can.

I see the world keep moving as I stumble
They seem to move much faster than me
And while I sit in my four cornered room, dividing hearts for our little girl
While I can't be anything but who I am

And I wish you'd stay
Well that was the beginning of the two of us, the start of our show
Stay stay stay
No I would never have let go

And I see the sun go up as your image
And I feel the weight of your eyes as you stare
I feel it all when you, when you first, when you kissed my lips
You used to make me feel at home, you made me feel at home, you made me feel again

Oh that's when you used to say will you stay and not let go
That was just the two of us to think about, the stars of our show
And you would say I wish you'd stay and I'd never go
Oh I would never have let go!

So take this heart of mine
You've taken it a hundred thousand times
But this time, this time I'm gonna take it with me

I see the door close down behind you
I watch your face turn from glow to straight gray
I see the moon go up and it shines this glory on my face
Who will know? Who will know? Who will know!
How we would stay and we should stay and never go
There's just three of us to think about now in our show, our show, our show
And I think we'd stay, we'd just stay, and then we'd know
That we should never let go oh oh
Something to think about oh... in our heart of hearts
Just look into those big brown eyes and you'd just fall apart
Maybe we should stay, we should stay, at least she'd know
That we should never have let go
No, no, let go, go... oh

I wish you'd have stayed
I wish you'd have stayed...

back

it's time to get back to the grind. I'm tired. It was a long week. Monday was fun seeing people- managed to squeeze in quite a few. My favorite was the time with Brent and Jake though. They're so much fun. One thing I did notice though, they really didn't make eye contact with me that much. I noticed it with Brent the day we went on our adventure. I think I make them nervous. I don't know why.
I got a letter from my friend Erik- he's been in jail for the past year, and I guess he got a total of 7 years. Poor thing. He's made some really bad choices. I always knew he was trouble. He has potential, just chooses to not. He's one of the types of people who believes the world owes him something.  He also mentioned in his letter that I intimidated him also.  I think it scares people that I have no obvious vices. I choose to do what's right. It's not that hard, it's just strength of character, I guess. But, I guess that's scary. I just want to do no harm to myself or anyone else. I know that drinking would drop my walls and I would make poor life decisions. So, I don't. I've chosen this life of freedom and adventure.  It's hard enough when I'm sober to say no. To consider consequences. To make sure I don't harm anyone.


Sigh.

I dreamt about him again last night. In the dream he was texting me. Telling me that he thinks about me. That he was sorry.
I made myself wake up. "This isn't real. I can't dream about this."

I do wonder if I ever cross his mind. If I actually had any effect on his life. Especially knowing that he's ever on my mind.
But even I can't see a way that it will ever work out. I can't see him being who I need. And obviously, I'm not who he needs.  So he is gone from my life for the past 14 months.

Day off

I had my day off of work yesterday. It's amazing how revitalizing those can be.  I had plans that got changed, so that effected my day, but it was alright. It just wasn't as much about me and what I wanted to do.  It can wait though. I'll do something maybe next week.
I'm just really feeling the need for some alone time. Being in a house surrounded by sisters is great, but it also makes doing anything by yourself, impossible.


leaving sunday night to go to the dmv in louisiana. What a crazy world we live in. I've avoided making plans for my time there, because I don't know what it will look like. Just wait and see, I guess.
I'm actually really glad to be going back, if only for a minute. It'll be nice to get on a plane again. Dooo something other than work and try to think of things to do here.

I don't know what to do. I don't know where my life heading.

sigh

Expectations.

I have been wrong more often than not lately, and it's starting to bother me. In the most recent one, my friend Larry, I asked him if he was okay because of something he posted. Turns out he's not, but says he will be. Anyway, basically just church drama, so I shared what I've learned as far as that goes. His response was merely to laugh. Which, was not the intended result at all. But, I can't say that I'm that shocked.  He has never bothered to listen to me, even when we're talking in person.  He tends to ask questions, but then not care enough about the answer, to either wait for it, or listen fully to it.


I told Brent about me coming down there for the day, suggested that maybe we get dinner- the only response I got was a smile. I don't even know.

I texted Matt, trying to get his mailing address, and never heard anything back. Surprisingly I didn't hear anything from him for my birthday, either. Not that I mind, it was just surprising.


Eve and Carol have both fallen off the face of the planet since I left. A few texts from Eve, but I know it's because she can't handle anymore. I'm sorry I left her there alone.


There is an easy downward spiral when it comes to these thoughts, when you realize your expectations were not met. When people do not respond like you think they will. 
There is an expectation that comes with being friends, having friends. And, sometimes, those expectations leave you high and dry.

I mean, the same was with Micah. Much of our disagreements happened over unfulfilled expectations. I expected him to be my friend, and he expected me to fall out of love with him.
I don't know. More than a year later, he still occupies my heart. I can't imagine loving anyone else to that degree.

frustrations

so it looks like I'll have to fly home to louisiana and pay off my installment plan. So frustrating. I had it on my old card that got lost, and I forgot, so when the payment didn't go through, they defaulted it. - making it impossible for me to fix it without going in to a location. So I booked a flight and a car, I'll be there for a day next weekend.

I got stuff for Matt for his birthday. I don't know if I should mail it to his shop again this time. It created quite the stir the last time. Maybe if I don't write weird stuff on it, it won't be suspicious.

I've realized that my brain creates scenarios, the way I imagine things will happen. How people will respond. And then when they don't, it feels like part of me dies a little bit- and I forget how to function. How does one cease to have expectations?  And, is ceasing to have expectations a loss of hope, in a sense? 

lack

In the time that I have been gone from Louisiana, all conversations about God and the things he's doing- all disappeared. I still get the occasional heart, to verify my path, but mostly the magic is just very subtle. I haven't been reading, I haven't been listening to anything incredibly meaningful. It's like everything is caught in limbo- waiting.
I feel it though, the lack.  Maybe it's a spiritual high that comes from learning new things, talking about new bits of connection.  I miss connecting with people over spiritual things. Maybe because that's what I feel is real and matters.  Having people to laugh with and talk about nonsensical things with is good too- but for me, spirituality pulls out the poetry in my soul. It brings to light magic and coincidences.
I don't feel free to embrace these things up here. I am surrounded by people who cannot conceive of a reality with magic. Or their God is too small to have grace unlimited.

I don't know how to walk.
It's hard to be me. To know what end is up. To know the next step to take. To weigh out all consequences.

poor life decisions

So Saturday night I made yet another poor life decision. I mean, it wasn't THAT bad, but still, I allowed a line to be toed that I shouldn't've.
This is the story.
Saturday night I was working a wedding party. Downstairs there was a group of guys. I'd've rather worked that group, because I'm sure it would've been more fun. However, everytime I had to come downstairs for something, this guy would talk to me.  Towards the end of the evening he was watching the VT game-  he put his arm around my shoulders for goodluck when they attempted a fieldgoal. He thought it worked.  We talked about where I was from- and little bits of our stories. He was married- so, I wasn't concerned, and he seemed to be a decent dude. I'm a pretty good judge of character.  Well, as the evening wore on, I was ready to go, and he was still there watching the game. All of his friends had left, and he was going to have to take an uber home. "Oh! You can take me home!!" he says to me as I'm getting ready to walk out the door.  "Sure!" I respond. Because, of course I don't mind. He's had a bit to drink at this point, but he's not in a bad way- I am unconcerned for my safety, because as I said, he seemed like a good dude, and by this point we're basically friends.  As we're driving he asks me where we can go to watch the rest of the game. I laugh, "this is the outer banks, everything but Kelly's is basically closed at this time of night!"   "ooooh! Kelly's! I've heard of that! We should stop!!!"   I hesitate, I don't really want him to get any drunker, I don't want to end up taking care of a drunken stranger. On the flip side, he and I have had alot of fun throughout the evening, and if we stop to watch the rest of the game, how bad could it be? "You'll get in trouble if we stop!" I try and convince him. "No, I won't! I promise."  "Alright, we can stop, just to check it out for a little bit."
So we did.
My coworker Josh, ended up being there also, which was both good and bad for me. The other guy, whose name I don't know, btw, (he told me at one point early in the evening, but it didn't stick because at the time it meant nothing to me). He decided it would be fun to make Josh jealous. I kept telling him Josh wasn't jealous, he has a girlfriend, he was just looking out for me. But, he kept insisting otherwise and would attempt, or rather pretend to attempt to grind up on me, but I'd always keep him at arms length.  He would keep putting his arm around me, or putting his hat on me.  And then be like, "let me know if you see someone in here you'd like. I don't wanna block you if you want to get some."  "I'm good. thanks." I'd respond. 
He'd texted a friend to come out also, so soon his friend showed up. I stayed out until like 11:30 and then I told him that I was going to go. I would either drive him home, or he could stay and uber home with his friend. He opted to stay, but insisted on walking me out to the car.
-I gave him a real hug, and he kept asking me to stay because we were having fun.  He wanted to kiss me, but I kept having to remind him he was married.  "You don't understand," he said, bitterly, "marriage has become taking out the trash and doing the dishes." "That's life!!" I interrupted.  "We don't have sex anymore."  "I'm sorry about that. But it's not going to happen."  'If I wasn't married, would it happen?"  "Yeah, probably." I responded, truthfully.  This whole time he has been leaning against me, I can feel he wants me, and he keeps brushing my hair out of my face when the wind blows.  He keeps interrupting himself and me to tell me how beautiful I am, and how it's a mystery that I don't have someone.
After about a half hour of standing together talking, I finally leave.
I know I shouldn't've let him get that close.  Just because it feels so nice to be wanted- the simple fact was that he was married. I should not have allowed him to toe that line, even cross it to a slight degree.  I think about the fact that I allowed him to open a door to cheating, and if it was, as he claimed, the only time he'd ever considered cheating on his wife- that door has now been opened, and he'll have difficulty closing it unless something changes at home. And that's my fault for allowing it.
Granted- it could've easily been someone else, who wouldn't have his best interests at heart and would've gone the distance- but I do think I should've been better. 
It's hard to not be wanted anymore. It was nice to feel beautiful and desirable.

losing

I worry. I worry about losing my way. I worry about making the wrong choices. I worry that I'll unintentionally hurt someone, because I'm too focused on myself to see the repercussions.


It must've been last year, last year before I left for Louisiana, some guys came into the Dunes- I was bar-tending/managing that evening, and these guys were a bachelor party. Well, the oldest of the bunch gave me his number, so that I could come meet up with them after I got off work. To which I agreed, because I was having so much fun with them all. Well, ever since then, this guy has kept in contact with me. He's 50.  Today he informed me that he's coming down to the beach, not this coming, but next weekend. That's all well and good- I won't mind seeing him again. But, goddamnit. He also said that he hopes he can persuade me to stay in the area instead of leaving again.
It made me cringe.
I've always just wanted someone to ask me to stay. But not him. Why is this always the way? Always the ones I don't want are the ones that make an effort.

I know what I need from a relationship and a man. Yet still I play with fire, because the one I need doesn't exist, and these other ones have aspects- but not the full package. So it happens- they fall in love with the idea of me, and then I have to shatter their dreams, because it can never be.

I've been talking to Brent every day for the past almost 2 months now. Why? There's so much we disagree on. The styles of our lives don't match. I know I bring a magic to his life that he'd lost or forgotten was possible. I know for me, he brings companionship that was lacking.  I am kind to him, because I enjoy the fact I make a difference in his life. I like showing love. But where is it heading? There's only heartbreak at the end of this road. I know it, I see it plainly- but I do nothing about it, because in the moment all is well.  How can I be so selfish? 

This is why I feel like I'm losing my way.

Today I just feel broken inside.
Today I don't know which end is up.
Today I miss him with a fierce intensity.

And I know there is no happy ending.

Florida and Hurricanes

There's so much to tell, and not enough ways. I left Louisiana- which was surprisingly difficult. I stopped to see old friends in near Destin, but it turns out that they are so incredible poor they don't have enough money for food most weeks. So heartbreaking. I took them out to eat. When I got here everything was in an uproar. Hurricane Irma was on the way. Who knows where she will make landfall, or if she would make landfall. Not only that, but come to find out Eve's "husband" has a tendency to go MIA. - Who woulda thought that he would do that yesterday and today, just before the hurricane hits florida? His "wife" and child are here alone. Crazy. I made friends with an old lady at the store- it turns out she has no one around. When I insisted that she take my number she legit started crying and said that she's not used to anyone caring. What?!?!?! Heartbreaking. My friend Carol lives about 15 miles south on her sailboat. She's under mandatory evacuation, but- she's not able leave because she has no car. She was preparing just to leave with only the things she could carry. What the hell. So, I'm going to go get her, and bring her up here. From here we'll decide what to do. We'll either leave first thing in the morning, (which I doubt) or, we'll wait out the storm and see what happens. There's a big chance that I will be bringing Eve home to Louisiana with me. We'll see how the storm plays out.

going away party

Had an incredibly lazy morning these past two days. Couldn't get motivated. I ended up taking a long shower- until I realized I should probably wash my hair before I ran out of hot water. So nice- and then I went to meet up with some friends for lunch, and then headed out to see another friend. So it ended up being a pretty good day. Didn't hear anything further about people looking to buy my car, which sucks. But one of my friends says she has a cousin who might know what to do/and be willing to take it off my hands. We'll see.

Going through and picking out my outfit for the evening. Going to shock the locals with my miami-wear. But, I don't get to dress up often, and because I'm throwing the party myself, I can do whatever I want. haha

It'll be fun.  I'm interested to know how many people actually show up. So far like 12 have said they'd be there, but we'll see.


-------------


So- it was the 12 people, several others sent apology messages, I mean, we were in the middle of a hurricane, so it's understandable. I can't even begin to describe how loved I have been made to feel.
Van and Pat gave me a hundred dollars in a card that was simply beautiful, Danette gave me an ankle bracelet and a beautiful card also. Brenda gave me a saint raphael card because he's the patron saint of travelers and happy meetings- Pam brought a big cookie for everyone to share. And the rest just showed up with their beautiful faces. It was wonderful.

Father Joe came to my work tonight and gave me $100 also- and asked me to pray for him as he would for me.  <3 a="" always="" amounts="" and="" been="" can="" catholic.="" come="" difference="" don="" even="" eyes="" from="" has="" have="" he="" heart.="" him="" his="" how="" i="" in="" interaction="" just="" know.="" knows="" life="" limited="" m="" made="" masses.="" me="" melts="" my="" nbsp="" never="" not="" now.="" of="" one="" orders="" p="" restaurant-="" short="" so="" such="" t="" tears="" the="" time.="" to="" togo.="" ve="" with="">
My life is magic. 

sunshine

There's a hurricane blowing through just to the west, we're supposed to be getting some of it, but at this point, the sun is out and it's a beautiful morning.

Basically that is the story of my life.

There's magic when things are supposed to be getting hairy.

So I met Brittany at the outreach small group, and it just so happened that she needed a place to live, so she's moving into my house as I leave. It's turning out quite well. She's already started moving her stuff in, and my stuff is mostly boxed, I just need to finish and start filling the car. But, most of my "stuff" is kitchen stuff so I needed to get to a point where I didn't need to use things anymore. I just finished up my final cheesecake, so everything is done now. Technically I'm going to be here another week, but I'm just going to eat at work for this week. It makes the most sense. Free food that I don't have to make, dontcha know.


Been dreaming alot again. My subconscious is in a tizzy. It's still getting over Micah, if that were possible, but then there's this guy Brent that's been talking to me everyday for the last month. We just laugh about things and talk about daily things. I don't ask him about his life too much, because I'm scared of it going in that direction. He's older too, so I'm terrified of that. And, I'm afraid besides surface stuff, we don't have that much in common. So, I don't really see a future. And you all know how I am about seeing a future. I need one. I can't just do a relationship for the moment. It's immature. I don't feel the need to learn from relationships, I just want one to grow with and into. With Micah, our lives could have easily melded. We both enjoy the simple life, we both love exploring and traveling, we both love people and helping where we can. We both love music and sharing that with people. It looked like our lives could meld despite it all. But that was not to be.
So, I'm a friend to Brent and anyone else- and I don't know how fair it is to them. They've never met anyone like me, so are drawn like moths to a flame, and I'm scared I'll burn them- because I see no future.

In the dream, the guy I was with, hacked my computer, but it wasn't really my computer (dreams are weird like that), and he saw all these pictures of micah, some real memories, other not real memories- and this guy was so hurt that I still had them. "They're just memories." I said in the dream, "I loved him for years."
But see, that's the whole clincher. I'm not ready in real life to delete pictures, words, memories. I don't look at them, but, they're memories, and I'm not going to destroy them and let nature take its course.  But even on the subconscious level. I guess it's my head knowing that things are not entirely packed away.
I just want to do what's right. By me, by him, by anyone that comes into my life. There's been carnage and I need it to stop.

struggles

I was struggling yesterday. Not for any great reason, but, because I'd dropped off my peace lily to Judy and she and I had discussed my plans for leaving. She, knowing my whole story, is not under the impression that I should move away either.  So I get scared. I get scared that I'm not doing the right thing, that somehow I misread the signs.  And then the people that come into my work, there are SO many that I am going to miss. They all hug me and tell me to be sure to come back.  But, even when I do come back, things will be different. I'll work somewhere else.
I don't know.
So I was sad. My landlady called me to see when exactly I'd be out, because someone I know is interested in renting it. I called my friend, and it turns out that she was in a tight place as far as housing went and feels like this is a miracle.
And suddenly I felt calm again. Yes, leaving right now is the right thing to do. Coming back will also be the right thing, eventually.
This guy Brent has been texting me every day for the past 3 weeks or so. It's just mostly funny stuff, or daily stuff that we talk about. I share way more of my life than he does. He's a regular at my work, so I've known him for months, it's just recently gotten to the place where we talk. But, of course, I'm leaving. Yet I want to know who he is. I want time. But that's not the way it's going to go.  The other thing is that, he's 15 years older than me, and that's too much. And, he is/was a trump supporter.  Those are huge.  I am always concerned with consequences. What the end result will be.  I hate that I always know. It's a choose your own adventure that I check the endings before I start.
There are times I get haunted by what might have been, what if I was wrong.
Like that guy from the other day that kissed me. My blood has been on fire ever since. I find myself changing the scenario in my head, if I hadn't considered the consequences, if I had made different decisions. What would happen if I saw him again.  But, the magic of love that I possess does not continue with a life lived based on my own desires.
Over and over I see the stories of my life, the inspiration they provide, the sigh of jealousy that comes from people who made different decisions and now must live with the consequences.  But, I live this life to share it, you can't, so I will. That's why I can't make selfish decisions. The life I lead is not just about me.

And there are days I just want to be wrapped in someones arms, someone safe and strong. I don't know why that is not in the cards for me.

and now for something completely different

So last night I had an experience for the storybooks.

For some reason we didn't get any sort of business until late at work, and then had someone call with a 8 plate order, which takes awhile. During which time I had a couple tables walk in. One of which being a guy by himself. I told him straight off it might be awhile until his food came, so he asked archly if I would join him. I laughed.  I took care of the people that I had to take care of, and while he was eating his dinner, I sat down to talk to him. It basically turned into a date. There were the usual telling of stories of our lives, how we came to be. Then when everyone else had gone, he was still there. It was time for him to leave, but he was just trying to not leave.  I wished I was a different sort of girl and could ask him to take a walk by the bayou. But I knew what result that would have. He would take me up on it, and there wouldn't be any walking- or talking, for that matter.   He's not from around here, he's just passing through, so there was no future, and I just couldn't.  So as he's standing there next to me, about to leave he says to me, "I'm sorry, but I've just got to do this before I leave." And he takes my face in his hands, and kisses me, passionately.
The thoughts that ran through my head, were "shit, I haven't done this in a long time, I'm so out of practice," and "shit shit shit, the cameras."   And the overwhelming feeling of gratefulness, actually.
And then he left.
I finished up the paperwork and walked out the door, halfway hoping he'd still be in the parkinglot, but that would've been dangerous. Doesn't take much for my blood to run red, and it was definitely there.


I had gotten my hair cut a few days prior and the hairdresser was a man. He asked me why I didn't have a guy, that he would find me one, if I wasn't leaving. But- as he's cutting my hair, he tells me that, I've got it going on, but if I let him bleach my roots and do my eyebrows, with those enhancements, I'd certainly find someone.  I laughed at him. No, leave them alone.
After leaving there I made up stories about how it's my eyebrows that scare the guys away.

So, this guy kissing me, was just... appreciated.

So on the story of my life goes, full of random adventures.

I decided

I decided after that post yesterday morning. I decided to go, because I'm afraid of it. I don't want to be afraid of anything. I made the announcement that I'm leaving, the people here were in shock/so sad. The people in Florida- ecstatic.
But I can't even begin to tell you the trepidation I feel.  I don't think I've ever not wanted to leave a place this much.
So I search for meaning, does this mean I shouldn't go? hahaa
Second guessing myself all the time.
There's no reason to stay- just the people. The community here, but it can be a false sense of community. Currently they're rallying around because I'm leaving, but how many months went by without seeing or hearing from anyone, unless they came into my work to eat.
So basically, I feel like I'm leaving, with the intention of returning one day.
I don't want to work just to pay the bills, and in florida, that's what happens. But there, I should have way more freedom, and a beach, and friends. So I'm going to experience that for a while.  I'll come back here one day, I know it. Or maybe not, maybe this is the end of the road.  Maybe this is the fork. Destiny is written in this moment.  And that's why it scares me. Because I don't know the right choice, so I made the one that sounds right on paper.  The reason I doubt it, is because I moved here even though it made no sense on paper.
Yet, showing Eve love by coming there to be be a help to her, sounds like a good choice. I couldn't really move to Colorado, because there were no jobs, but that's not true of Florida.

Forgetting

Why do they say that it is better to have loved and lost than to never to have loved at all?

Sometimes I wonder.
Sometimes I find myself forgetting that I was ever loved.

I had a man tell me yesterday, "I don't understand why you don't have a man. You are exactly what every man is looking for!"
Except obviously I'm not.

This is not me feeling badly about myself, my identity. This is just a touch of bitterness, I think. Remnants of pain to be unleashed.

Mornings are just difficult for me, normally there will have been dreams, and there is nothing in the morning to distract me from introspective contemplation.

I was thinking of yesterday, I saw Larry for the first time in like 2 months, and he asked me how "my boyfriend" was. It's hard not to be bitter about that. I feel like the pain on my face and in my eyes is clearly visible. He told me to text him when I got off work last night, so I did, but he was uncommunicative like he has been for the last while. I don't get this guy at all. I'm not usually confused by people, I normally understand them and their motivations quite easily, but this one, not so much.


I'm still on the fence about leaving. There have been no clear directions either way. Of course I am free to go if I want, but is that me taking control of my life and living outside of a life based on faith alone? Or is it merely the next step, and it's up to me to take it, even though it looks scary?  Why does it look scary? Because this is me limiting God to working in my life to here. As if He couldn't do it over there.
I'm scared of stepping on my own power, because I want the life of magic that happens when one walks in the Spirit.


One day at a time.

continuing on...

So, I was talking to my mom about this yesterday-  Remember back when Danette referred to me as a christian, and it made me uncomfortable?  Well- that theme remains.
Yesterday I went to the big church that I go to, the one that I've been seriously getting involved with. They had me sign up for some classes- which is fine, but the more I go, the more I realize that I seriously dislike it. No matter how you look at it, there are parts of me that are Christian, but the entirety of me? Doesn't qualify.  And I feel like a chameleon, which is something I've been trying not to be.
I've been reading this book Jonathan sent me called "experiencing the depths of jesus christ" it's pretty great in a sense, like I totally want people to be familiar with the concepts, especially people that have difficulty hearing God. - or want to understand to a greater degree what being one with God actually means, and how to do it.
I mostly agree with it, but, I have to admit, I do have a problem with the denial of self. Yes, absolutely following the Spirit is better than what your brain comes up with. However, there is such a declaration of you are bad, you are a sinner- that there is nothing good in you, that I feel has to be false. Your identity isn't bad. Having one, I mean. If God didn't want us to have them, he wouldn't have given them to us. We'd simply be zombies. Living as Christ, living with love, and therefore showing God in all that we are. That is what is important. Denying ones nature to be selfish, to be prideful, to retaliate when we are hurt- that is good.
I know I'm basically splitting hairs, but I just can't get on board. And the church thing, so much of it is evangelizing. So much of it is heaven or hell.  So much of the Bible being the end all be all- so much so that they say, don't agree with what I say, find the proof in the word! - It's as though they don't realize that 6 christians can read the same passage and it will mean something different to each. So it can't be your proof.  Is it loving? Does one see Jesus because of it? Will it cause someone to stumble?  Those are the questions to ask.

And I am officially a crazy person!



I am deciding whether or not to move to Florida- clear water beach, to be near Eve. I don't know. I'm inclined to go most of the time. Try somewhere new, have one of my best friends near by. But the other part of me shrinks back. That life is just a repeat of the old life, in which I'm merely living to make money. Here, I'm beginning to be a part of the community.
I don't know.

Testimony- new addition

This is a summery of my life- the irony- the coincidences- and how I see God in my life.

And the word of the Lord came saying, “Testify. I will make your life a testimony of my Love. “  And so it was.

I felt that it was time to re-write my testimony to include all of the magic of God over the past year of a life lived in radical faith.

My God story doesn’t feel like it has a beginning. God always was a part of my life. If you want to get down to the earliest I remember though, when I was 3, my brother said the prayer and got saved. That meant I needed to also. My parents tried to lead me in it, but I couldn’t or wouldn’t say it correctly.  I remember being so incredibly frustrated. But, finally it was said and I was “saved”.  My brother got baptized, but my parents felt that I was too young. There were many times over the years where I wanted to get baptized, but I didn’t- because I had become too proud to admit that I hadn’t ever been baptized. So, that didn’t end up happening until I was 25, I think.
When I was 8, I remember attempting a life swap. I had this really bad feeling something was going to happen to my mom, so I ask God to take me instead. Nothing happened to either of us.  I wouldn’t say that because of that, but it definitely played a part in my subconscious mind, I was God’s. When I was 14, I had to know what I believed and why. I couldn’t just believe the things my parents did because they did. I needed to know why, and it needed to be my own thoughts.  So I worked up a page on my personal website titled “My Beliefs” outlining the things I believed that were outside the standard box of Christianity.
When I was 15, my world of doctrine was rocked- what if the Bible wasn’t inerrant, what if it wasn’t God on paper? What if there were errors?!   So began my journey into a life of following “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and mind, and love your neighbor as yourself.” – because everything else would fall into place if I did those things.   As I grew older, I discovered that people felt judgement from me. That God was a God of judgement and condemnation because I stood apart from people. I was a Pharisee in my own world.  So I took a long hard look at myself, and changed, little bit by little bit.

When I was in my early 20’s, I got involved with a grass roots church that was community service based. It was just what my soul needed, love in action for the community. We asked around in the neighborhood, “What do you all need?” the overwhelming response from this poverty stricken neighborhood was “something for the kids to do.”  So, I answered the call, and started a small after school program. I had about 5-10 kids each week, aged 14-5. What a year of learning for me!  Being able to be a safe spot for these kids, teaching them practical life things, as well as just listening to them- still to this day, one of the best experiences of my life.

Leadership in the church changed, and things fell apart. I was very hurt by some of the things done and said to me, so I decided it was time for something new. It was time for me to learn Joy. How does one learn to have Joy from within instead of being based on people, circumstances, and things? So I moved to the beach, the place where happiness is found.
I learned so much there, the peace and joy found in the majesty of the glory of God manifested in nature. The coincidental God-appointed meeting of life changing people.  I had a man ask me, “What are you on?! Can I get some?”  He seriously thought I was high on something found in pill form.

Circumstances changed, due to the harsh nature of seasonal work on the beach, and I knew it was time to move on. On a wing and a prayer I wound up in South Florida, a job was provided the next day, a house and furniture followed soon after. It was a year and a half of learning new things, trying my hand at relationships. Learning the consequences of disobedience, and watching how my life choices effect other lives.  Towards the end of my time there, I was feeling restless. There has to be so much more to life than going through the motions of working to exist. What if the white picket fence lifestyle and the happily ever after isn’t in my future? What do I do then?  See the world. Experience more of what life has to offer, instead of settling for mediocrity.
So, I went back to the beach for a summer, and worked a lot- made some money and ventured off on an unplanned adventure.

My first stop was in Ohio, seeing friends that I hadn’t seen in awhile. Christian friends that I could share the stories of my faith, stories of the things I’d learned. I had been away from the Christian culture for about 3 years at this point, so it was like refreshing myself on a forgotten language. I just wanted my friends to see how much they were loved. How God is not looking at us as though we were failures, sinners- but how he looks at us and sees Jesus. How living in that love can be life changing.
I kept on my journey, stopping to see other friends who were pastoring a church in Kansas. There was more thrilling conversation about God there and the things He was teaching us. They asked about my next stop, and I told them I wanted to visit the Garden of the Gods in Colorado. They told me to make sure that I visited the little town of Manitou Springs while I was there. Little did I know that stopping there would change my life.
That morning, I parked on the edge of town, where you could park for free. I meandered my way down the sidewalks into town. The homeless population seemed to be the same as the number of tourists that morning.  As I walked, I saw a man sitting on a wall, he had a guitar next to him and he was reading.  Go talk to him. The Spirit of the Lord prodded me. “Oh hell no.” I told God. “Do you not realize how dangerous that is? I am in a strange town, thousands of miles from anyone I know. That would not be safe for a single female to do. He’s a bum, what am I supposed to talk to him about?! It’s not going to happen.”  I am walking on the other side of the street and go down into a little shop that advertised glass art, something I tend to be very intrigued by.  But the whole time I’m in the shop, God keeps pressing me. I mean it, Rebekkah. Go talk to him. And I would respond, “Dude!! You’re crazy. This is not okay!!!”  Until finally, I was like “fine. I’ll do it. But I’m not happy about this.”  So I walked back up the hill to the man sitting on the wall. To this day, I have no idea what was in that glass art shop, the whole time I was in there -that furious conversation with God was happening and I couldn’t focus on anything else.  As I approached the man on the wall, I could see that he wasn’t just reading a book, he was reading the Bible. Internally I laughed. Oh God.  “Whatcha reading?” I asked him, as he looked up and smiled at me. “The Bible,” he responded. “Yes, but where?”  “In John!”  I ended up sitting down on the wall with him and exchanging life stories for the next 2 hours.  He was intrigued by my journeying, and I was still unclear as to the purpose of our meeting- so I let him follow me on my travel blog, and adding eachother on facebook.

I headed out of town shortly after and made my next destination Seattle Washington. At this point in my life I was interested in a guy that had recently moved to Costa Rica. He had extended the invitation for me to come visit him, and we’d see if things progressed. Well, on the drive to Seattle, he informed me that he’d decided that he was not a one-girl kind of a guy anymore.  Naturally, a girl doesn’t like to hear that she is not enough, so I was very hurt.  I’d never been one to date just to date, but while I stayed in Seattle with one of my younger brothers, I dated a lot. Just to see what it was like, to try to understand. But, what I did end up understanding was more about myself, that these guys saw merely the surface of what I showed them. Internally, I’d see the ways we were not compatible, but they didn’t because I am a chameleon and only show the colors that make me blend in.  I’m not one to fight, and I’m not one to insist on my philosophy.  As I bided my time in Seattle, trying to figure out my next step, I started working at a little BBQ joint. One day a guy came in and we got to talking, he was leaving the next day to go on a mission trip to Turkey, but invited me to visit his church. I told him no, but thanks. I wasn’t really into church these days. But, I would keep it in mind. A few weeks later, a date was cut short, and I got dropped off at my house 15 minutes before this evening church began and I felt the Spirit telling me to go. Whhhhyyy. I don’t want to.  Okay fine.  I think that God wants me to either hear something edifying or meet some people in the community. So, I go. It’s a small church and I walk in, no one says anything to me- before or after service. While the pastor preached, I listened intently, but I just wanted to stand up and tell him that he was teaching the congregation of a God that sits in judgement of you day in and day out, instead of a God who looks at you and sees Jesus. The God he was teaching was the God of guilt.  After I left, I was so upset. Why did God want me to go to that church, it made no sense. I didn’t meet anyone, and the message was terrible.  I needed to vent. All of my Christian friends were on the east coast, and with the time difference it was after 10pm. But then I saw that the guy from Colorado, Micah, was online- so I sent him a long facebook message detailing my angst. That was the beginning of our friendship. It progressed rather quickly, and for quite a while I could tell he was crushing on me. I wasn’t interested at first- I complained about him to my mom, “he’s too Christian”. I knew there were other issues about him that scared me, like my dad he suffered with depression and a tendency toward bi-polar- but the biggest thing of all- he didn’t know all of me, he still only saw the me that the chameleon showed. So one day I wrote him a long long email telling him all the things he didn’t know about me, telling him the things that scared me about him in an effort to make him see who I really was. To scare him away.  He called me after that email and we talked for hours. We talked things through, and we were closer than ever.  Not too long after this on one of our several hour conversations on the phone he said something that changed my world forever. “Rebekkah, God keeps telling me to tell you something, and I didn’t want to, so I said no the first couple times.”  I laughed at him. I could totally relate. “I love you.” He said with a rush, and then added “like a sister!” as my shocked silence filled the airspace. I had never had an issue saying I love you to someone, ever, but this felt like it was before God, and I didn’t feel it yet.   We passed on to a different subject. Another conversation,  “maybe I need to move to Seattle!” he joked. “Bah! I hate it here.” I returned, “I’ll come there!”  Suddenly it became a serious conversation.  Over the next few days, I asked God about actually going there, and everything, seriously everything pointed to yes. Even my dad was in favor.  So within a week everything was packed back up in my car and I was headed to Colorado.
Over the next several weeks there were so many emotional highs and lows as we figured out our relationship. I had knocked down all of my walls for him to see me as fully as possible. God said Love- so I did, as completely and totally as I could. I learned so much about love. I finally had some real world comparison for the idea of Christ loving us like a bride. How intense, how complete.  But one day everything changed, he came into the room and said “I have to tell you something, you’re not going to like. God told me “She’s not the one.”” I sat there in shock, “You’re right, I don’t like it.”
I was furious with God. “How dare you tell him something and not tell me? When all of this has been me following You! I spoke to him because you said to. I went to that church, I messaged him, I let myself be vulnerable, I moved out here, all because YOU said to! And now this?!”
The still small voice spoke to my spirit. “It wasn’t the end of the sentence, what he heard. But it was all he is capable of hearing right now. ‘She’s not the one, yet.’ Is the whole sentence. But he needs to work on some things first, and if you’re occupying his mind and heart, he’s not going to work on them. I want you to pray together.”
Now, I have issues with prayer, especially corporate prayer- I’ve never understood the purpose, the real world effect of prayer. I talk to God all the time, but not in prayer form, usually.
So the next day, I told Micah what God had told me, and that we needed to pray together. He wasn’t too psyched about the idea either, so I didn’t push it. I failed there.
I moved back to North Carolina- leaving my heart and soul there with him, if it wasn’t time, it wasn’t time. But at this point he’d been my best friend and lover for several months and for me, nothing had changed but the distance between us.  As I left, God was telling me to Trust.  

I didn’t know how to trust, what was I trusting in? There was the ebb and flow of trying to maintain a friendship with Micah, but my feelings never changed. I loved him more than anyone else on the earth. I asked God to let it leave my heart, because if he didn’t feel the same anymore, it was pointless. “Trust me,” was the only response. “You are learning love from my perspective.” 
Spring came and after my sisters and then my best friend’s wedding, I boarded a plane to Europe. I was leaving for an indefinite amount of time, destinations yet unplanned. God just kept saying “trust me with your life. Let me be in control.”  So I did. It was terrifying. So hard. But let me tell you, the things I encountered, the people I met, conversations had, it was absolutely incredible. God started showing me hearts in random places, in the stone fence line way up the mountain in Wales- only visible from where I was standing. In the ruins of a castle wall. Two side by side pebbles in the Mediterranean sea- just to name a few. It was as if God was reminding me of His presence all the time. “You are loved. You’re doing great.”  During this time He allowed the friendship of Micah and I to grow again- deeper into sharing even more of the magic of God in our lives. What a blessing it was to be able to share all that I was learning in my struggles and successes with someone who inspired me to be better than I was. It’s an incredible thing to be loved as completely as I was.

I returned home after 9 weeks abroad lost as to my next move, where to now? What was the next step? Where do I live? I stayed with my parents for a month as I worked on the beach to recoup the money I had spent living overseas. The Lord started pressing Louisiana on my heart. Louisiana was where Micah was from, we had visited his parents there while I still lived in Colorado with him.  I didn’t want to go there. There was no ocean. There were no friends. What would I do? I would be surrounded by memories of a time when he and I were together, and that just sounded heart breaking.  But God kept saying “Go. Trust me.”  I told my friends, I told my family. Everyone thought I was crazy. Micah was the one person that supported me. He’d witnessed God in my life. As I entered Louisiana, the still small voice of God told me, “Hope. You are going to learn Hope.”

In the days and weeks following, God saw fit to allow Micah to end our friendship. To this day I am uncertain of the cause. But still the order of the day was “Love, like I love.” and “Hope.”  I was surrounded on all sides. “Hope Chapel” was the closest church to my house. Random hearts found everywhere, almost daily. A word from a stranger, “I know this is weird, and I don’t often do this, but God’s really laying it on my heart to tell you something. ‘Don’t you dare give up hope. You moved here for a man. There will be restoration in his family.’”  This stranger knew nothing of my life. I was blown away.
There was so much pain in my life. Feelings of rejection, of despair, of worthlessness. There were feelings of betrayal by God. And aggravation. Why did I still love someone who had turned completely away from me?  That was something only silly, stupid girls did, and I was certainly neither.  My prayers were constant, how could I hope, and what was I supposed to be hoping for?
My life still went on, God brought so many amazing people into my life through the little authentic Chinese restaurant where I had found a job. The area is so much more religious than anywhere I’d ever lived before. Talking to customers about God and the stories He had given me, giving love to anyone in need, almost daily. 
The Father reminded me to pray. Pray for Micah. How was I supposed to do that? I don’t know his life anymore, what was I to pray for? So I began to write prayers out in a notebook, several times a week. I realized over time, that when you genuinely pray for someone, pray that they achieve all they were meant to, that love finds them and changes their world. You cannot be upset with that person, understanding sets in, love wins over pain.
Learning to love like Jesus is never an easy process, I guess. How many times have we denied Him in our lives? How many times have we ignored Him? How many times do we refuse to communicate with Him? How many times do we shut down on Him?
Yet, ever He loves us, not only in the good times when we love Him, but in the bad times too. How great, how magnificent is that love.

I’ve been learning community here, what it’s like, how it functions. The people here in Louisiana are by far the most welcoming that I have ever lived around. It blew me away that after living here 3 months I had 3 different families invite me to Christmas dinner with them.
There has been an ebb and flow of closeness in the friendships with the people that I have started building a life around. It’s so foreign to me. Letting LOVE reign supreme, never allowing hurt and pain to win the day.  There are so many stories of coincidences that have guided my path, hearing a sermon that relates to my life. Meeting people who speak words of life. Other people who come into my life for the tiny but significant moments of meeting Jesus through love.  I cannot tell all of the stories, because so many are still in the process of being written.  But there have been so many steps, so many “oooh! This is why you have me here at this moment” times. It’s been a thrilling journey.
Over the past year that I have lived here, I have been broken, I have healed, I have loved, and I have lost. I have had faith, and overwhelming doubts. But this journey that I am on, is one of radical faith. I am learning to give over control of my life to the Father.  The only thing I am in control of is how I react to situations. I have a choice to either be love and show God in all that I am. Or, I can choose pride and selfishness and believe that my present moment is the only important thing.
I choose to believe that there is a bigger picture, that the difference that I can be in this world only comes with my choice of radical faith. Less than that, I settle for mediocrity.

Onward. 

wanting

So the idea about living here was that I would learn community. This first year has been great, full of new friends, forging new paths. But the longer I remain, things start falling apart. I think this is why I usually leave after a year or so. Things/ relationships start breaking. Maybe there is a natural ebb and flow to friendships, or maybe after about a year you're finally discovering that the image you had of someone isn't what's real. I don't know.  I think that's why small town living is hard, when the tide is out you don't have the option of making new friends.
There are people here that I used to be close to, and now, for whatever reason, a separation has occurred. I'm not comfortable enough to inquire as to the cause. Maybe one day I will, but right now, it's just makes me want to retreat. Why do I put effort into people, only to be rejected one day?
And that's not even talking about relationships- that's just friendships.
My "best" friends, the ones I've had the longest, I talk to them anywhere from twice a month or so to every couple months. I love them, but they're not part of my life. Distance and life proved to be too much.
There is such a longing to be known and loved for who I am. If I wanted just a man to sleep with, that would be easy- but I want to be known. And on top of that, I want to be loved for who I am, not what I look like, or what I do for you- those are just bonus'.


So I continue on.

dream of war

In the dream you were a soldier. You had been fighting so long, protecting the world. There was one last thing you were going to do. This was going to take out an entrance that the bad guys used, and in the process you were going to die. You said your goodbyes with no hesitation, and I sat there hiding behind writing words on a page. And then suddenly I couldn't do it anymore, and I ran down the stairs. I knew there were only moments left. The gas was on and the fire was lit, the whole place would explode momentarily. You were sitting with your back to me, still dressed in armor. You stood up and turned around, "I understand, why you're doing this. I know you're tired, and you've been fighting a long time. But you don't have to die right now." "Please!"  My arms were around you at this point, and you leaned in and kissed me, tears started to flow.
I woke up.
I tried to go back to the dream, but it was over. There was so much in this dream that felt like it was more than what it appeared to be.

Please don't stop fighting. I know it's so hard, and the war is never done. But together we are strong, together the enemy can be defeated.

directionless

You know, sometimes knowing in your head simply doesn't translate to how you feel. That's shit. Just saying.
For example- yesterday, there was supposed to be 7 people coming over to my house for dinner, 4 cancelled, and the other 3 just didn't show. Now my head knows that stuff comes up, but I feel hurt. I feel as if my time and effort weren't valued.  I know that isn't the case, it just happens.

Another example- I got on Match .com the other day right, I let 3 guys have my phone number before I deleted my account because I couldn't handle it. Well, within 2 days, none of them were talking to me anymore. No idea why. It just stopped. Which is fine, I wasn't actually interested in them anyhow, but it just makes one feel unwanted.
As much as I want to say that I didn't get damaged by Micah and the other guys in my past, there are days that I have to acknowledge that I feel like there is no one that will ever actually care for any sort of duration. The little voice inside my head that mentions the fact that the first 3 found their wives/longterm girlfriends almost immediately after breaking up with me, and the last 2 that I have cared about have told me that I was in their lives so that they would discover that they weren't meant to be in a relationship ever again. My heart cries because it thinks that something is wrong with me, but my head knows that there is nothing wrong with me, just the luck of the draw.

I just don't know what I'm doing, I think I get clarity about which way to head, so I step in that direction and just get lambasted upside the head, so I stop- and I question everything. I'm not hearing from God these days, He's been unusually silent. I just don't know. It's always a choice to have faith, to hope, but right now it feels impossible.

better and better

Yesterday was rough... just in the depression department. I don't even know why the day was bothering me as much as it was. I went to Hope Chapel like I do, most of the time, even though I don't really like it, but the people are kind. And I had to stop listening to the sermon this time, because otherwise I would've gotten up to say something. He was so very very wrong. So, I just read my bible, and tried to tune him out. I escaped as quickly as I could afterwards. Then, I went to Crossroads at 12:30 for their service- which was quite wonderful, and totally talking about the same things I had been reading during the first service. So that was nice.
I had a meeting today with one of the pastors to talk about me leading a small group. That went well I think. I like sharing my stories. We'll see what comes of that.

I went down to Cypremort Point today, a state park right on the gulf. It was beautiful, but then a storm rolled in, and I had to sit behind a post on the pavillion to hide from the wind and drenching rain. I stayed there for probably an hour and a half while it rained, before I finally gave up and went home. Where it was nice and sunny- of course. It's only 30 miles away, it's so crazy how the weather can be so different.

And then, as I was on the phone with my sister, I stepped outside and saw a most beautiful sunset to close out my day- color reaching to the other side of the sky.

Time to begin again the new week in the morning. One day at a time.

Elihu

I texted my friend Jonathan today, asked him to be my Elihu. In the story of Job, he has everything- loses it all- his friends come to sit with him- they tell him he's done enough.  But then Elihu, he's like, dude. Get it together.
I need someone to do that for me. I feel older, more mature, wiser than everyone around me. Even my mom- she doesn't understand. I don't really feel like I know anyone at least that has constant contact with my life, that I can get to understand.
I'm living a life based solely on following the Spirit, on growing love where none should be found. Focusing on the magic of the days. So now, when I'm at a crossroads- I need to be pushed to be all I can be. Not settle for what I have achieved already.

that moment when

your head is going a million and a half miles per hour. Change is in the air. But what does that mean?

The list of pros and cons. Which life path to choose? What is the next step?


It's funny, it really is bizarre. I'm either all in, or all out. There's no in between. I've had this thing for the past year an a half, where I've loved a person who occasionally loved me back. I didn't want to love him, because I knew it wouldn't work out in the long run. But there it was, a feeling, an action, the grandest emotion overwhelming in intensity. When he shut me out, still it was there.  Why? That's what crazy people do.  So I just waited, hoping either it would go away, or he'd become the person he wanted to be- but somehow couldn't be.

But, it's gone now. It's legit disappeared. The memory is there, but it's gone. I didn't do anything.  Maybe it was that final breaking point. - Or in reality a few days after that final breaking point.
Is it a loss of hope? Yes, and no.
What about the words "don't you dare give up hope. You moved here for a man, and there will be restoration in him and his family."  Maybe this was it. There has been a start to that restoration. I've witnessed that.  Do I feel like it's abandoning a promise? Yes, and no.
What about my life here? The connections I've formed, the community I've grown into?  I don't know. I hate to leave in one sense. But on the flip side, I experienced community in a way I never have before, and it's been incredible.

Yes, I could continue to build a life here. I have friends- at least to an extent. I could really get involved in a church- run small groups. Teach love.  Build on the relationships I have here. Bring the magic of love and hope and adventure to people's lives.

Or, I could leave.
I could go back to the beach until labor day- and make alot of money. I could go to Curacao for my birthday, like I want.

 I could go back to Colorado and work seasonally in the ski resorts- make a nice nest egg there too. Then, eventually buy a little piece of land by the Crystal River. Start building a life there.

Or I could get a job on a cruise ship, and sail around the world- meeting new people, seeing new places.
Or, I could go back to Ohio. Resume old friendships. Build up a life of wonder on the farm.

The options for leaving are really endless. The opportunities for God to use me are in everything- because where I am, God is with me.  So what do I choose?

waking up

I struggle so much with sleeping lately. I don't know why exactly. I have noticed that if I haven't been regular at the gym, my back aches. So that's part of the problem recently. But, even after I'm up in the morning, all I want is to go back to bed. I don't want to function. I don't want to decide what to do. It's like too much effort is required for being awake. My best sleep is in the mornings- usually I have to go to the bathroom between 5-6, and then I sleep heavily until 7:30 or 8.  Writing helps.  I don't know why- clears the head. Washes away dreams. Helps me focus, maybe.

I sent Matt a canvas of a Banksy art. I really hope he likes it. It's nice to do things for people just randomly. Especially in the mail, no one gets real mail anymore.

My friend Renee asked me last night, "so is the door shut on Micah now?"  I told her the truth, "I didn't open that door, God did, so it's His to shut. It does feel like it's shut now." I've never been in control of that situation, merely followed- worked out great in some aspects, and tore me apart in others. But I think the tearing apart was good, to learn the highs and lows.
I have never known what the future holds, so I wait for the next sign.

I saw this thing today- about how life is not about the destination. We're always in a hurry to get to the next best thing, as if there is a place we need to arrive at. But, that is simply not the case- it's merely about the moments.  I love it.

recovery

What do I do when I hit this point? Just let it all go.  It doesn't help to stress about it. I am in control of nothing but myself. Even that is in God's hands.
I went to Houston yesterday to see John and Tracy- friends of ours from Colorado. They moved there a couple months ago, and this was my first time going to see them. It was really nice. I think Tracy may be just as obsessed with God as I am. Hers takes a more... standard viewpoint. But she's striving to bring positivity into everything she does.
I was thinking about my obsession with God this morning. I find no meaning in life without Him. The question is, is that mature, or immature of me? I mean, don't get me wrong, I love travel, I love family, I love friends- but the things that spark the deepest parts of me- are when I stand in awe. A crazy God coincidence, a mountain peak, true love of any sort. Conversation that makes me think beyond my experiences.
I'm at the point now where I just want to grow more. Standing still and watching- like a giant tree by the bayou, standing for hundreds of years, watching people enjoy the effects of your presence. They sit in your shade, they appreciate what you do for them- and so you sit, for hundreds of years. That's what I feel like. What else is there? Can I be useful in other ways? But if we stick with the analogy, that means being cut down and torn apart. Then you become a tool, only halfway appreciated- but serviceable. Is that actually what I want?
What is the purpose to my life? Why am I?  The unknowable questions, the answers that change with the seasons.

It's Monday- and that means it's adventure day, but I haven't felt like going on an adventure lately. I don't know where to go, or what to do. It's hot, and usually stormy. I feel liberated by my solitary life sometimes, and confined by it at others.

I keep thinking of a blue lake and a chill in the air.
Or a life next to the crystal river in Colorado. A little house, raising chickens and plants. Solitary, surrounded by green meadows and clear mountain water. What a beautiful life that would be. Winter would be hard though. Trapped by snow for months on end.
But where is the purpose of my life in solitary? What am I giving to the world, by living alone?  That's why I cannot live like that. I must make the world better by my life.

tortured head

It's pretty much torture.

"I don't trust you, and I can say with confidence that I never will." What the hell? What did I ever do to him? It sounds as if I were a liar or a cheater. But I am neither of those things?

How do words make such a impact in our lives? The words designed to wound and destroy- just live on and on. Repeating themselves, eating away.

I didn't learn how to get past the initial words of his. How am I going to bear this additional load?  How do I step back and let love win, when he fights with hate, pain, and despair.
I wrote him that email, but I don't know if he got it, let alone read it.

I want to run away.

I want to erase all ties.

I want to disappear.

But I won't. That's not what love does. Love is patient, love is kind. Love doesn't envy or boast, it isn't arrogant or rude. It doesn't insist on its own way;  it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Lover bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never dies.
Not only for my heart, but I have to think of the testimony of my life. So many people know the story of the magic of God in my life. If I were to turn my back now, what does that tell them? That living by the Spirit is too hard? That a life based entirely on love isn't possible? That caving to fear and pain is alright?  I simply can't.
My mind wants to find ways around it. Justify it, to deceive myself into deciding love would leave. Love would start fresh. But it's not true.

Eli, eli, lema sabachthani?!

will it ever stop breaking?

I don't know if my heart will ever stop breaking.
I decided to go to the open mic night last night, Micah was there. He came over and said hi and gave me a hug- and immediately went outside. But then he refused to make eyecontact with me for the rest of the night. I didn't know that he was still that upset with me.  I would've tried to get some clarity on it had he spoken to me at all again, but as it was, I knew I had crossed a boundary, again. So I told Kris, that he should tell Micah not to worry about seeing me there again. I didn't want him to not go there because he was worried about seeing me.
Micah wrote me a long message, about how he doesn't, and will never trust me again. How he doesn't wish bad things on me, but he doesn't want to be friends ever again. He might say hi to me if he sees me in the future, but then again, maybe not.  And ended it with how I am not allowed to respond to this message either.
Not only was it a punch in the gut, because I still have no idea what I ever did to him- except not fall out of love when he did. But, why the hell is his opinion the only one that matters. Why do I rate so low that I don't even deserve respect?  Why are his wants and needs the only ones to be considered?  Why am I not allowed a voice to defend myself, to right misunderstandings, to apologize where that is needed?
I think it's fear of facing the results of his decisions. Does he expect me to cry? To lash out on him? I wouldn't. I don't know. It's also a macho thing, that I am less than.

So the question is, why is there still love in my heart for him? I only can assume it's because God put it there. There is nothing attractive about how he's been acting for the past year. My heart says this is just him acting out- this is not who he is. But, I've known him for almost 2 years now, and this person with ugly tendencies has won out over the attractive person who loves and gives of himself so generously.

I wrote him a long email last night- and got no sleep at all. It's already almost 9, and I can barely function. I didn't cry at all, my head just wouldn't shut off. The stress and tension of the whole situation.
I cannot bear not being about to right wrongs. I cannot bear when people have something against me and I can't do anything to make it right. I cannot bear to be hated for no reason.  If I was a bitch, if I was unkind, if I did anything at all- I would understand. But I didn't!

I wanted to run away right after I moved here because I didn't want the memories of being here with him. I didn't want to hear about him from his family. There was no point to being here. But God said stay, so I did.
I want to run away again. I don't want to deal with this. I don't want to run into him. I don't want to live in his territory without being friends.
I don't know how to drop friends without moving away.
I certainly don't know how to drop loved ones.
I don't know how to not be friends with people that I care about. I don't know how to not care.

that went well

I can't even tell you how refreshing that was. I got in the hot tub last night after work and just soaked. It was beautiful. Swam a few laps before and after work yesterday, and then this morning, I slept in, ate their big hot breakfast and then took another nap, waited for the pool to open at 10.  Then I swam a bit more, sat in the hot tub for a little bit and then swam some more. Another lady joined me, turns out she was doing the same thing as me. We had some great conversation. Check out was at noon, so I left- went to the bank and then came home, ate some food and took another nap- for like 3 hours. Went to walmart for 1 thing, left $90 dollars later with a new bedspread and sheets- as well as a couple other items not on the list. haha. Oh well. I needed new sheets, the one set I do have isn't really very good for this hot humid weather. And I've just been using a fleece blanket, so it's time I upgraded.

I got a text from Neal and Raina inviting me over to their house this evening- so I went over there for a few hours- Neal taught me the ways of Cajun meat gravy. They don't thicken it at all, which is odd. But, it's spicy and delicious.
All in all, it was such a relaxing day. Feeling refreshed, but, damn I don't want to work tomorrow.

All day I've been picturing Independence Pass in Colorado in my head. I want to go back. I do love it there. But I know it's not the time for me to live there.

staycations

I bought myself a hotel room for the night, at a nice place with what appears to be an incredible pool and hot tub. I have to work this evening, but I should be able to spend a nice amount of time there between this afternoon and tomorrow before check out. I just need some me time. It sounds incredibly selfish, but, the thing is, I just need to recharge. I need sun and water.
I could use a friend or two with stimulating mind sharpening conversation too, but that's out of my control. I'm just so tired. It's been a rough few days at work.  I get home, my feet are throbbing, but I have to take a shower because I've had to spend so much time in the kitchen cooking while I'm trying to wait tables that I smell like the kitchen and feel sticky. There was no break yesterday- worked a full 12 hours. Towards the end I was starting to get so cranky. It was my period day- and Michael was at his other job, I didn't get a break to recharge- people kept coming in close to closing time- and ended up staying until nearly an hour after we closed.  Which, is incredibly inconsiderate, I think.  Suffice to say, I need some r & r in my life.

I miss hugs. I miss conversations. I miss learning new things and sharing them. I miss stretching the way I think about things because you see it differently.
Sometimes the solitary life is difficult.

But, in the grand scheme of things, everything is fine. Plants are thriving, home is comfortable, I'm making alot of money at work. I see people I know all the time.
It's beautiful here, it's peaceful. The nights are magical.  I'm just tired, and solitary, and sometimes it gets to me.

death

Before I went to bed last night I watched a movie that had alot of death in it. I tossed and turned and couldn't sleep, so I went on you tube, and the suggested video for me was "Homeless Man" the story of Rich Mullins, basically a compilation of memories from his friends after his death. It was heartbreaking and wonderful at the same time.  So today I seem to be surrounded by themes of death, and things to do before you die, making sure the life you're living is the life you want.... Crazy the themes of certain days.
I don't know what it all means. I don't know that it means anything except to be more aware.  Are there things I wish to say to anyone before they or I pass on to the next life? I don't think so. There is a nameless ache that disturbs me, just in the story of the one that I love. The fact that I cannot tell him that it remains even to this day. But, it is something that is impossible at this point of life.
Besides that- I feel like for the most part I do live as though it's my last day- I don't live with regrets, I patch things up as quickly as possible. I say the things I mean, and people know that I love them.

One of the stories I wish I could share, it's a story of the angel that troubled the waters. A doctor comes to the water, seeking to be healed of his melancholy and gloom- but the angel bars the way to the water. This healing is not for you, the angel says. But, I must! The doctor responds, how can I continue to live this way?  Without your wounds, where would your power be? The angel answers. The very angels of heaven cannot reach the hearts of men like one human broken on the wheels of living. In love's service, only the wounded soldiers can serve. All grace, all truth, all power, all vulnerability, communicated through brokenness- the utter honesty of broken men and women in the service of love.


And on the story goes.

lessons

I've obviously been in a funk these last couple of days. I wouldn't say that I'm out of it exactly even still. There is that feeling of being in a crowd, but completely alone.
Yesterday as I was starting work, I kept seeing hearts, hearts in the pavement, hearts etched into stone, hearts in the crumbs, hearts in the water. There was, I think, 9 of them. I have to say, it kinda pissed me off.  You know how when you're in a funk, and people try to get past your barriers, it just annoys you? Stop with the pushing already? If I wanted to talk, I would!  Until that one person that you trust and love doesn't ask you anything just hugs you for a long time, and doesn't let you push them away.  You get pissed at first, but then, sorta melt, as you realize that it might not be better, but this moment, this moment is better. 

That's what God was doing for me. I love you, I got you, and I'm never letting go. 

searching

Searching for answers. I can read over my blog, read over my paper and pen journals... ever since I was a small child, the search for answers has been huge in my life. God has been prevalent in pretty much everything personal I've ever written. There's always been a search for more, to know more to understand better.  I look at my older brother and wonder- we were brought up exactly the same way- the same requirements, the same belief structure. But even as teens, I realized there was a vast difference between him and I. I was constantly thinking, and he never wondered about things. Never had to understand why. Unless it was a gadget. Then, he wondered how it was made, and whether or not he could put it back together after taking it apart. Something that I never cared about. Don't get me wrong, lincoln logs, legos, those bulb things with batteries- gosh I don't remember what they were called- I loved those too, building things, making things work. But it didn't MATTER.  

I need to matter, I need to be important to the people that are important to me. God is important to me, probably because I know that I am important to Him. Because of His unreasonable breathtaking love for me, I cannot question why I am important, it's just a fact. Because of me being me.

I deactivated my facebook today- just for a few days. I have it set to reactivate in a week, who knows if it'll last that long deactivated. But the reason is, I have been getting hurt, by real or imagined slights- and I don't want to live in that world. I doubt anyone will notice, and it will be a break for me to recenter. To focus on the things that really matter, instead of the people that only know my life because of facebook.  I strive for authenticity on facebook, my joys, my struggles, sharing my life so that those I have moved away from can live in my world for a few moments.
But, I find that when I care too much, things start falling apart, and so I walk away. So, this is me, trying to put down sand bags before my emotional floods grow too high to slow down.

antsy

These last couple of days I've been strangely just dissatisfied. An empty, restless feeling. Not that nothing is happening, obviously things happen, not necessarily magical things, but things. What I think is missing, and where the dissatisfaction is coming from- my mind and soul have not been stretched lately. I haven't learned anything new. I haven't had an mindbending conversations.  I don't do well with that. Why am I sitting and atrophying when I could be growing? I don't know that it's a bad thing, sitting still, being patient, all qualities unnatural to my life. That's why I move, that why there's always the next best thing since sliced bread.
I listened to all of Brennan Manning's sermons over and over again on Youtube. I've read all his books. What's the next thing to challenge my thoughts? What is the next thing that will cause me to grow?  When will the next magical thing happen?
I miss the iron sharpening of iron. I miss being wrong about things. I miss finding out that I didn't think about all sides of an issue or problem.

The picture leaning up against the wall, ready to be mailed out- is taunting me. "There is always hope."

Wait for it.....

visitations

Allie spent the night last night, and then went with me to church this morning. - So I didn't go to the catholic mass, and we went to the mega church- Crossroads. It was fine, I was bored by it. Typical Father's Day message. She enjoyed it however, and that's the good thing. After that, I didn't have to work until 5, so I told her we could go on an adventure.... so we drove to the levee- and took an airboat tour. I've been dying to go out on the Atchafalaya ever since I first saw it. Since moving here, I was struggling with wanting to go out, but not wanting to go alone- eg. without micah. This is his area, his stomping grounds. I wanted him to show it to me. But, obviously, that's not to be, so I took the airboat tour. I swear, it was the happiest I've been in a long time. Flying across the water, the wind in my hair and the sun on my face- it's one of the most perfect feelings ever. I love it.

When we got back, she went home, and I tried to nap. Then Larry texted me saying that he was in my town... so I told him he could come visit me if he wanted to. So, he spent like an hour over here, telling me the changes that have happened and the drama that occurred in his life. Poor guy. He'd been employed to shoot a birthday in town, but then arrived too early, so he was just killing time with me. I carefully avoided giving him the opportunity for anything but just the hugs when he got here and when he left.  Sigh.  Why does life have to be so difficult.

Jessy, my brother in law's best friend, stopped by to visit this evening too. It feels like the day of visitors. 3, in one day. That's more than I've had... the whole time I lived here!

Crazy. but nice. I like people coming by my house. I like catching up, I like being a part of lives.
There was this house out in the atchafalaya that I said was my next house- and I would totally live out there if I had a boat. But- I also feel the need to be a part of society, so I can't really justify it. This life I lead was not created to be solitary- it is meant to share love and magic and life with the world- at least those I come in contact with.

And so the story goes.