stuff of nightmares

 This new job has been the stuff of nightmares. 

The oven broke. The espresso machine is spitting water into the milk. The orders haven't been coming in. And in everything, my hands are tied. 

I'm exhausted. 

But I think things are looking up. Orders come in tomorrow. The fix-it people come tomorrow. 

H texted me the other day to ask me to mail him his prescriptions.  I did it, of course. He said he's coming home tomorrow.  So tomorrow will be a good day. 

I haven't talked to H since Nov 7th though, so I don't know what this next week will look like in regards to him. Maybe nothing. I guess we'll see. I told Vanessa this morning, that this is the worst he's ever been to me, especially because it follows the best he'd ever been.  

I guess we'll find out. I miss him with every breath. But at least work is too busy to even worry about it. 

silence

 There's still silence. I don't know what else to say- so I'm not saying anything. Letting it go. Letting him go. He'll come back at some point, if he wishes, otherwise- my life is moving forward. 

I miss having the attention of someone who loves me. I miss having someone to talk to about the things going on in my life. I miss feeling valued, and like a vital part of someone's life. But, there is straight up nothing that I can do about it, so I'm just going from one moment to the next. 

There is nothing else to do. 

I'm moving forward, albeit slowly, with the book.  My sister and Eve are supposed to be editing it for me, but honestly, they've had the book for 2 months now, and I haven't gotten anything back. So that's stressing me out. I've been editing myself- and there's just so much. 

I honestly sometimes just feel like scraping it and starting again.  It's fine, but it's not good. I don't want it to be fine. I need it to be good. I need it to be something to be proud of, and I'm just not. 

I started a new job yesterday, managing a coffee shop at the airport. I'm having to still work at the station, which is fine, but it's hard to start one day, and then have 2 days at the station and then go back. I'm very intrigued by what it's going to be like. I want to meet all the staff and get a feel for everything. 

But, I also don't want to leave the station. I like the regulars. I like the people I work with. I like not being the boss and I like all my free time. But, I need the money and the consistent amount, as well as the health care. I want to get my teeth fixed. I need to get some lady bits checked out.  So. Yeah. 

I miss him. 

depression

 I can't make things work by myself. I can't just push everything under the rug and pretend that everything is fine. It's not. 

You don't know me, and I don't know you. We only know what used to be. 

You're gone again with no word of goodbye. Just the silence of the grave. Maybe it would be easier if it was the grave, then I would know that you had no choice. But to choose to not be in my life, to choose everything else except for me. Why does my heart still love you?  Why do I try to prove my love when you have never asked me to? Why do I love you when my head dislikes your behavior? How can that be love? Is it just masochistic of me? 

I don't know if I should just let you go. Say goodbye forever.   

love

 I keep saying that love wins. 

God is Love. 

Love is the tie that binds all things together for good. 

God is love. 

People say dream and manifest the life and things you want. 

Your passion, your love- makes them real. 

Love wins. 

It's doubt, it's fear, it's despair, it's hatred, that keep you from love. You doubt that it's possible. You doubt that love has that much power. You are scared, you are defeated, but what I know in my heart to be true. Love is the thing that has more power than everything else. God is Love. Love wins. 

October and all the things therein

 What a month.  Overall, not a fan. 

Car died, had to buy a new one, it's more than I can afford, so I'm not super thrilled about that.  Will have to get refinanced in a few months. 

I feel like I'm still struggling with everything all the time. 

Book is finished though, waiting on cover art and final edits. So that's cool. 

Uncle has been down here like 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off, which I can say is very very annoying. It is their house though. So oh well. 

I still need to get my name out there with the life coaching. I hope the book will help. But that still needs to be published and marketed. And I don't fkn have any money. Everything is so expensive, all the time. 

Heath. It's a never ending roller coaster. He finally came home last week- and I got to see him 3 times.  I can say hands down the best sex of my entire life.  

I went out on a date with someone else. (Had me very conflicted about it, because I'd started talking to him when H wasn't talking to me.) 

But, it was a bust. The chemistry wasn't there and there were alot of things that gave me pause about him. 

H.  His mental health is not good. He's floundering with work, and that defines so much of him, that he get lost. So, he pushes me away, and doesn't talk. I don't know if there's anyone else, but I don't think so. I tell myself that there is just so that if there is, it won't bother me as much,  This is how I have to retain my sanity in a roller coaster relationship.  I really don't think it will always be like this. I swear, every time we are together, things get better and better. He's started telling me that he loves me more, which is a good thing. I know he does, he just has these mental blocks. I guess after almost 4 years of this, I'm pretty good at mirroring his ebb and flow.  I know I deserve better and more, and he knows it too. He makes no promises, and so he isn't breaking anything. 

My side? I simply love him as deeply and as intensely as he'll let me- embracing him for who he is right now, and hope for the future.  I don't know what else I can do. 

everything else

 Besides the chaos of my heart that is Heath... 

My dad is behaving like a child and treating his kids very badly. Not me, but several of the others. He just gets his feelings hurt and reacts like he's two.  Ironically enough, before the latest shit happened, I had a dream about yelling at him and facing him in the corner so that he'd think about his behavior, and low and behold, he needs that so much. 

I haven't called my parents because I don't want to talk to them. I feel kinda bad about that, but at the same time, I just really can't associate and condone what they're doing. And I say they, because my mom doesn't stop it- nor does she do anything to counter act it. 

Josiah's baby Crosby is dying. He said that we can finally come visit, but there's a 5 day quarantine prior to visiting that I'm not sure I can cope with. - Because of work, it's just not feasible. But- relationships are what matter and I don't know if it would be a good thing for me to go, or not. I just don't know.  Plus, I'm so far in the south as far as money goes. I've had to make several large purchases, plus, I'm now paying rent, and I gave H another $2000 last month, that he swore would be returned that next week, but never did. Sigh. 

It's just one thing after the other. 

I'm just so exhausted. 

My uncle has been here all week. There's been a hurricane that cause a ton of damage. 

I'm going to Ohio for the weekend next week for my birthday, and not going to get to see hardly anyone. Which is fine, but, I think it's going to be a tad depressing too. 

I'm just so tired. I don't know what to do, other than just ignore everything and just keep moving forward. It's all out of my control. 

rollercoaster

 It's been a crazy bit of ups and downs. Two months of talking almost every day with Heath. Things were really really good. Like relationship talk good. He was in therapy and really delving into himself and who he wants to be as a person and where I fit in that.  He really opened up and shared alot, but then, the day after, I texted him and said I really needed to talk- and he never called me. - And a week later, still hasn't called.  There's a part of me that's so defeated, because I had finally let myself believe in those last couple of days that he'd really changed, and I didn't need to hold my heart back.  I thought that love had finally won. That I had been proved right to believe in him. But, now, now I don't even know. I feel empty. 

I wish. I wish. 

I was so happy. I was on top of the world. I wrote poetry, which only happens when I'm really emotional. I didn't send it to him- because it's not great, but- it's something. 

The stars that hear the words we share

have always known the truth

That long ago before all time 

I was yours and you were mine

Today they twinkle with joy divine

To see our love again combined

I love you and you love me

For all of time for all to see

help

 He calls me when he needs me. This has always been the case. This time, he needed money. I told him the limited amount that I had in the bank, and he asked for more than half of it. The next day, he called and asked for use of my credit card. He swore to high heaven that I would have the money in 3 days time- he was just waiting on a transfer to come through. He told me he was coming home, that he missed me and wanted to spend the week with me. He said that he would have me laughing all week long. 

I picked him up from the airport 2 hours away. He slept in my bed that night, but tormented by nightmares. He didn't look at me with any desire, and I could tell he was folding up inside himself. 

The money didn't come. He stayed in touch with me all week, telling me that it would be here soon, hopefully.  He didn't have the money, I could tell because of his behavior. He stayed at his apartment, sleeping the days away. He tried to hang out with me one day, but he messed up his contact solution and was in misery with his eyes open. But, the day he left, he finally invited me over and we spent good time together. I helped him pack. We laughed and chatted. We compiled everything that he would need for this 9 week stretch of being gone, folded it all, and packed it away. And then we snuggled, and made love. I went home, and he met his dad for lunch and then got on his plane.  

The money still hasn't come. 

He talks to me everyday. He texted me goodmorning yesterday even though he was headed straight to work. I love that he thinks about me all the time lately. He texted me to just say that he missed me. That he wished I could see what he was seeing, the view of the mountains and then from the mountains also. He spends hours and hours on the phone with me when he calls, because neither of us want to give up on the conversation. 

I know that he loves me, even if he doesn't.

 But, what if it's just manipulation to get from me all that I have and more? 

Love is such a scary thing. 

date

 

“Are you going to use this in your book?”
Not even a little bit. I had gone out with him because I didn’t have a good excuse not to, and it’s always good to broaden ones knowledge of other humans and the way they think. I have used little pieces of real life- with a fictional spin on it- in my book, but that’s only because you have to write what you know. Imagination is good, but it has to hold some parts of reality to really connect. But, this situation I found myself in, was not going to make it into the book. He had fired a multitude of questions at me in the beginning, and I answered. But, I was uncomfortable, because I prefer to be listening, and not talking, especially when I don’t know a person. So, I asked him to tell me about him, who he was and the things he liked.  He sat there stumped for a few long seconds. “What do you mean?”
I knew right then we weren’t playing on the same field. “Well,” I relented, “what do you do with your free time?”
As he told me stories from his life, I listened to the words, and to the posturing. Everyone tells you what they think you want to hear. I found myself looking at him like I would a client. Judging the veracity of his words, listening to the unhappiness, and yet skilled manipulator that he appeared to be.
I think at some point he realized that he was doing all the talking, and letting out more than advisable, so he asked me about my horoscope sign. I told him what it was, so he went to look up characteristics of a libra. The very last trait listed was “good conversationist”, which he immediately scoffed at.  I smiled pleasantly at him. “You have to get to that point with me.”

I am not one to share my life with people I don’t know. Especially if I don’t trust you or care to have you in my life. And so yes, by this point I had realized that I didn’t want him to know any more of me than he already did- so I was not trying to engage with any more reality than I would with someone who sat at my bar.  Maybe that is one of my toxic traits.

Garrett

 

“I think you’re the only one of my friends that I actually dislike.” He says to me.  I laugh, I know he doesn’t mean it. But, he’s so used to everyone catering to him and his whims. When you have money, there’s an expectation and an arrogance that generally follows.

This evening I had run into him outside the new posh restaurant on Park Avenue called Ava. He’d just left, but ushered me in. We resumed his space at the bar where his unfinished rum and coke still sat. I pulled up their cocktail menu using the QR code they leave visible on the bar tops.  I choose a drink, and then look around the bar. I am getting sideways glances from the other customers, which is not a surprise, I’m wearing a slim red dress that reveals all the curves, and I’m standing there in my heels next to a well known crotchety old man. I see one man ask his friend what I am doing with a man like that. Garrett doesn’t notice and I don’t point it out. It was mere seconds after that, Garrett in the attempt to get the bartenders attention, takes his wallet out and puts it on the counter. He doesn’t believe in using a debit card, so he carries thousands of dollars in cash on him. He likes to pull out his wallet and set it on the bar so that everyone can see the green stack of bills that stuff the cash holder.  The men who had been eyeing me and wondering what I was doing with him, took one shocked look the wallet, a swift glance at me, and then laughed. “Oh! That is why she’s with him.” One man said to the other. They don’t know that I’m watching them.  There is a part of me that is squeamish with the thought- I hate that they have an utterly wrong impression of me.   I could explain to them that Garrett used to be a regular at a restaurant I worked at, he doesn’t have very many friends, and I’m just being a friend to someone who has been kind and generous to me. But, they don’t need to know that. Their opinion of me doesn’t matter. After waiting a few more minutes, no bartenders have come over to see if I wanted anything, so Garrett and I leave. As we leave,  he says to the manager who is standing outside, “There is only one consistent thing about this place, it sucks!” The manager smiles patiently at him, and I am embarrassed. There was no need for that. “Thank you for you feedback,” he says, but doesn’t bother to ask what was wrong. He obviously doesn’t care, but has an image to maintain.

“This is exactly what is wrong with Park Avenue, no one cares how much you spend in their establishment. Customer service has gone down the drain,” he rants to me. “Come on, let’s go.” I think that he wants to go somewhere else on the avenue, but he leads me to his car. I stop. “Garrett, I’m not going with you!” “Come on,” he says, “We’ll just go to Reel Fish.”  I hesitate, I don’t know how much he’s had to drink, and he is known to drink heavily. Not only that, I don’t want to be somewhere that is not walking distance to my car. I don’t 100% trust him. “Are you sure you’re okay to drive?” I ask. “Yes! I would never ask you to get into the car if I wasn’t.”  Reel Fish is only a few blocks away. If need be, I can take off my heels and walk back. He holds the passenger door open for me, and I step in. 

At Reel Fish we sit down at the bar, the bartender asks us what we want, I order a mojito. Garrett doesn’t respond, and just shrugs. She waits, and I know how she feels. Bartenders are not mind readers. I sigh inside, and then I explain to the bartender that he rarely would ever tell me what he wanted when he was a regular, so I’d usually just make him a rum runner. She looks at him questioningly, “Is that what you want?” He shrugs again, “Sure, I guess.”

He complained about the drink to me after he got it, because it was too strong. He kept needling the bartender, cracking jokes about her name, “Shianne”- and about Massachusetts where she was from. Most of it she just ignored, as any good bartender does.  When I rebuked him for being an ass, he continued his rant about customer service. “A good bartender knows there is alcohol involved,” he excused himself, “and besides, it will be worth it when they see the tip at the end.”

“But don’t you want people to like you instead of just your money?” I asked him. He changed the subject and started telling me about how he doesn’t have long to live. How he feels like 20 years of his life was stolen from him. The regret of having worked narcotics for the federal government- and letting a man go with 20 tons of cocaine simply because of there being bigger fish to fry.  His failed marriages, and kids that didn’t grow up with him around. But, that at least he had money. “Money doesn’t buy everything.” I say finally.  He looked at me for a moment. It was at this point that he told me that he didn’t like me. “And, yes it does!” He retorted.  I grinned at him. “But does it? Are you happy?”

He scoffed. “I’ve never been happy.”

“And that’s my point.” I replied, satisfied.

There were a lot of other conversation bits, telling me how he wants to die before it gets too ugly. He has a girlfriend, and he doesn’t want her to see him fall apart, and doesn’t want to say goodbye either. He just wants to disappear.  I listened respectfully. I believe that everyone has a right to go the way that they want, but I did say that it would be kinder to not disappear without a goodbye, that’s not fair to the people that love you.

When we had finished our drinks, Garrett took the tab, and left $100 on a $23 dollar check. There was a part of him that still rankled from me telling him that it wasn’t right to be an ass, no matter the circumstances. His words “Do you think she’ll like me now?” proved that as we headed towards the door. She had seen the amount he had left, but hadn’t reacted in any way. So, I doubted it, but I just smiled at him.  

He brought me back to Park Avenue, and we went in to Bovine Steakhouse to see my friend Christy. She was just closing up, so we didn’t stay long. Garrett insisted on walking me to my car, I protested, but he thought it was only appropriate. We walked past a homeless man who was talking to himself, and then he started shouting at me. “Who does this bitch think she is? Does she think this is Miami? Look at this old guy following her. Did he buy you that dress, bitch?” There was more, but I just ignored it.

We got to my car, and I get in. As I lean out to shut the door, he leans down, and I asked very abruptly, “What are you doing?”  “I’m just going to kiss the top of your head. That’s all!” I let him. “Thanks for talking to me.” He said, sincerely. “You’re welcome. Thanks for the drink. I’ll see you later.” He nods, and turns away.

What a bizarre evening. People are so interesting.

moving on

 

How do I say the things that I feel in my soul? How do I process and move forward in a healthy manner?

Heath is the one that I want. I have never wanted anyone more, I have never felt for anyone the way I feel for him. But, he doesn’t want me.  Well, he does, but he doesn’t. When he shut me out the week of our 3 year mark, I decided to try dating again- because I can’t just wait for him to get his shit together. What if there is someone else who would treat me better? That actually wants me all the time, and not just sometimes. I don’t want to limit myself to him if he doesn’t want to make any effort for me. He tells me all the time to find someone else.  I don’t know if he actually wants me to, so that he doesn’t feel obligated to me- or if it’s a self defeatist move on his part thinking that he’ll never be worthy of me.  I just don’t know.

Friday night this guy came into me work, he came in the other entrance, and for some reason, caught my eye right away- he was staring at me, and smiled as he walked back to the bathroom. He sat down at my bar, and had that hungry look in his eyes as he looked at me. There was a magnetism about him, that spark that is the joy of life. Few people have it, and I can say easily that the men in my life that I have been with have all had it.  He added me on Instagram before he left that evening, and the next day asked me of I wanted to go out. We talked on the phone for awhile beforehand- he told me that he wasn’t looking for anything serious. The part of me that needs a good roll in the hay and misses heath is totally fine with nothing serious. The part of me that is desperately in love with Heath- and believes in the sanctity of sex with someone you love- is not okay with any of it.

We went out- had dinner and a drink. Walked down to the lake, and he kissed me. And then kept at it. I had warned him previously that I was on my time of the month- but his hands kept traveling down that direction. He had me sit on his lap, as we sat on a bench by the water- and he explored my figure with his hands- and kissed me often. I didn’t let them become passionate tongue kisses, kept them soft and sweet- for some reason saving the passion for Heath felt like it was important. And- I don’t love this guy. He's nice and interesting, but is probably not at all someone that I should feel anything for, especially if he doesn’t want anything serious. But it was nice to feel wanted. I just don’t know. Heath texted me last night- but I was asleep- normally I wake up but it was solid deep sleep.I just want to talk to him. I need him to come home. I need him to want me forever.

the end of the rope

 I'm at the end of mine. The end of my rope I mean. I just feel like giving up on everything and everyone. I'm tired. My soul is just sad. There is a despair that creeps in and latches hold to the monotony of life. I might do more than most people, I might try to keep pressing forward, but I can tell ya that it isn't enough. The crushing CRUSHING weight of the emptiness and pointlessness of just going through the motions is staggering. 

A week with my little sister forced me to keep it at bay and go through the motions of being ok. But, the reality was it was just at the brink of release. My soul is so sensitive, and I can't handle anything right now. Tears threaten to spill over with the littlest provocation. 

What is actually wrong right now? Nothing. Actually.  I have everything anyone could possibly ask for. I have enough money to pay my bills, I have a job or several. I have people that love me though they live far away.  So, why am I complaining? Why is it not enough? 

Because my soul craves adventure, and my soul craves having people to pour love into, and when I don't have those things, it feels empty.  But, if love was not meant for me, than the only thing I can fill my heart with is adventure. Though, I know that adventure too can feel empty without anyone to share it with.  What the hell am I doing.  I don't know. 

no words

 there's nothing left to say. 

cinco de mayo

 3 years. I'm not sure how it's been that long, but at the same time, how has it ONLY been 3 years?

Ups and downs, moments that my heart felt like it was soaring among the clouds, moments that I believed that everything was right in the world but there have also been the moments where I was broken and wondering how to continue on. Is that what love is, weathering the highs and the lows? Choosing love no matter what? I know it's not supposed to be this hard. I know my heart chose someone who does not love in the same manner as I do. But, as much as I try, and try to talk myself into giving up- I still haven't. I wonder if that day is coming. It feels so close. 

I think my premonition wasn't wrong. I'll know more by this weekend, but he's been back for a few days and I still haven't seen him. Today is the anniversary of our meeting, and we're supposed to have plans, but I think it's not going to happen. 

My anxiety level is through the roof. 

procrastination and self sabotage among other things

 It's been probably two months since I made any significant headway on the book. Little bits here and there, but nothing extreme. I feel like as I try to tie it all up it falls more apart. I doubt everything. Things I wrote initially now no longer fit and I don't know what to do with them. 

The life coaching business is hard to start. I'm not a snipet sort of person, and I don't know how to reach the people I want to reach. Could I really vibe with people and help them on their journey or is that just wishful thinking that it will ever pay me? I don't know how to take it to the next step. 

What is next?

Heath has been talking to me almost every day, but I think it's just because he's been lonesome. He talks like we're in a relationship, but at the same time, there is still some reservation. I still haven't figured out what it is though. The fact that I'm a little bit taller than him definitely bothers him though. It bugs me a little too, but I've had more practice being with shorter guys. But, I think there's something more, something that he still hasn't told me. I have a bad feeling that he's going to come home and not see me- that he's going to flake out on me again. 

writers

 I went to a writers group last night. Honestly there was a bit of trepidation, because you know, strangers, and people that write. But, it went well. They read some of their pieces, others listened, but it was just a vibe of encouragement and inspiration. I'm so glad that I went. Met a writer girl Megan that I would like to develop more of a friendship with. Talked for awhile with a guy Josh who I then dreamt about. (Whoops) and I'm looking forward to talking with him more. 

11hrs

 I'm not certain how one stays on the phone for 11 hours, but Heath and I did.  There was about a twenty minute break about 6 hours in, but, then it just continued. We talked about so much, I mean, I guess one has to in 11 hours. But it was really good. And yet, there was still so much we didn't talk about. 

But, he does love me, that's a good thing. We talked about how he's had all this time to snatch me up and hasn't. We talked about how he needs to be better. 

Where did we leave it? Honestly, I have no idea. we haven't really spoken much since, so I don't know.  But I will never think that he is a waste of time. It's too much love, even if it never works out. 

April begins

 April begins and life is much the same. I am still unendingly in love with Mustard, even though it's up and down. 

The thing with Isaiah was weird to say the least. He is alot like me in his soul, we have very similar upbringings, taste in music and movies, etc. We spent 12 hours together that first day, but then he was supposed to come again the next week, but decided against it because he was too interested in me. I told him that he didn't need to worry that it was a two way street, but he still decided it was better to not spend extra time with me.  I haven't much heard from him since he went home to NY, but he did say that he wants to move down here after the summer.  But, my heart is not free. Nor do I want it to be. 

I turned down another job offer which feels weird. But, my life is good right now.  6 days a week, 3 bartending and 3 serving shifts, which sounds like alot, but it's 4 or 5 to 9 or 10- and saturday mornings until like 2:30 or 3.  It's not a ton of money, but it's at the point where I can finally make money and save.  I have my day times free to work on the book/business. I'm not prepared to want to sacrifice all that for a 50hr a week job. So. Yeah. But it was yet another opportunity turned down and it feels weird. 

how to even start

 There's just been so much, and not at all at the same time. 

H called to apologize as he does. I went over, as I do, and the cycle continues. He tried to talk to me a little bit in the days following, but then stopped trying. He said he feels like he is two people. The person he wants to be and the one he acts like sometimes. Yet how is the second the one that wins. 

Kyle- my neighbor that I met on Match, I went to swim with him at our gym this morning. I felt weird about it. It's probably not right to keep him interested. He's nice enough, and I could see myself messing around with him, but the soul connection is not there. 

But listen to this story. Isaiah.  So a few months back I think he reposted something of Justin McRoberts, and so it showed up on Justin's story. I don't remember why I followed him, maybe because he mentioned hope as much as he does, maybe because he's a writer, maybe because... who knows. I thought he was married with kids and was a little surprised when he followed me back, 'cause married dudes don't follow girls like me unless... yeah. Anyway. Out of the blue he tried calling me on Instagram on Monday. I was shocked, our interactions have been very limited to a few likes here and there.  I texted him back, because I was at work. "Did you mean to call me?" The answer came back that yes, yes he did. I managed to get out back and return his call a little while later. He was coming to florida and felt like he should see where I am and if maybe I'd like to meet up. He was going to Ocala. I agreed, I'm always down to meet new people. I was still a little be worried about the being married thing though, was he actually, or not? His instagram didn't mention a wife and I'd seen a ring on his finger on some of his posts, but they were old ones.  He called me Tuesday night and we talked for several hours. He is no longer married. Divorced over a year, has 5 kids though.  Seems to have a few demons, like we all do. But, he is passionate about people. About helping people feel loved and be healed. His idea for a campground is basically a more rustic version of what my dream for the sanctuary bnb thing that I have in mind. I let him talk before I shared my dreams, I didn't want to let him know right away that our visions for the future were the same. 

The whole thing has been straight up crazy. I'm going to meet him in person tomorrow- we're going to go to Juniper Springs and go exploring there.  He flies out of Sanford next week- and we have plans for next week too, if all goes well. 

I feel... intrigued.  But also concerned, because why do we have the same life plan? What is God doing right now? It freaks me the f out.  And what about H? Fucking H. 

valentines day

 What an awful reminder that naught is as it should be, or rather as one desires. 

I've been at the end of my rope for so long, but still the rope keeps growing. I wonder at what point it will truly be the end. The love that I have for him I think will never die, but, I think the being in love is gone or dwindled to such a small speck that it feels gone forever. 

I've seen him more frequently, but be that as it may, I feel more disconnected from him than ever. I wish it weren't so. 

I went on a date with a neighbor the other day.  It feels weird. Because I haven't had the talk with him yet to tell him that I'm done. But there has been no opportunity... it's not a talk that can be had in a text or as an email. sigh. 

god

 

I have such a weird relationship with God these days. It’s been a gradual decline, I guess you could call it. I’ve never been one to subscribe to standard teachings or beliefs, but there have been times in the past where I felt so near and dear to God’s heart. Everything felt like it flowed in the synchronicity of the patterns that weave us all into the world and our place in it.  But, there was a time when things broke, when things fell off course. I felt like I had done everything right, followed all the signs, but then the bottom fell out from under me. In that moment, trust was broken.  Trust in the pattern, trust in my ability to read the signs. When the trust is gone, nothing seems to flow anymore. There’s still moments of synchronicity, but it feels like there are vast hiccups inbetween. So I focus on what I can control, if God is LOVE, then if I focus on sharing that love and being LOVE to all those that need it- maybe then I will feel close to God again. Maybe the magic will come back and the pattern and flow will be restored.

bottom

 The bottom did fall out. Of course the intimacy of those few days couldn't be maintained, he crashed and burned again. I didn't hear from him for a week. Talked one morning for a few hours, and then didn't hear from him at all again until I went to his golf game at Lake Nona. 

He saw me before I saw him, thank goodness, because Karen was also there apparently. He had given her a guest pass. So, he texted me to warn me. I didn't know how to respond. It explained the silence of the last 2 weeks. It disappointed me, because I just wish he'd stop messing around with other women. If he knows that I'm the one he wants for forever, why keep holding on to the crazy ones?  She helps him with money, and that's really why. He says it's because she's a nice person, but that's just him trying to justify it, I think. She's 9 years older than him, and they're just messing around. But, I don't get it.  He's on a healing journey, and he has made significant progress, and regression is a part of progress, but god fucking damn it all. It left me feeling like a fool. So, I left because I couldn't silence my brain enough to enjoy watching golfers. I've spent the last few days binging on tv because it numbs everything- stories to escape my own. 

What the hell am I doing? 

staying up all night

 It's a thing that we do, but it's really bad for me. I need my sleep. Sunday he called at 2am, and I went down there, and was home again around 8am, went directly to bed- and got up around 2pm. I had to work at 4:30, so I did that, and then went down to him again after work. We stayed up all night. It was after 7 that I got home again, and I slept away the whole day and night, with a 4 hour exception in which I cleaned the house and went grocery shopping.  My fit bit tells me that I slept for 15 hours. I needed it so badly. 

We talked so much. About his work stuff, about our insecurities, about eachother. I just feel at a loss right now, for even any words. Is it that I'm waiting for the bottom to drop out on me? ... so I can't get happy? I don't know. He throws off my steady world, and my plans, and brings me into his world of emotions and chaos.  I don't mind, and I worry that I don't mind. 

He randomly told me that he loved me. I hadn't said it, it wasn't something we were talking about. It felt like it just came out. It felt more real than any of the times he's said it in the past. I don't know how to catch all his subtleties, especially when he's been drinking, because he doesn't finish his thoughts outloud all the time, and I have to grasp for the meanings. That's difficult sometimes. I missed one yesterday, and I felt so dumb. But, he does make me feel desirable and wanted and loved. There's nothing normal about this relationship, I have no idea what to expect. I have no idea how it could work. I just have no idea. But, I do know that I love him without end. I know that I would do anything in my power to make him happy. I know that my life has more colors because of him. I know that I don't want to do life without him. 

decisions

 There's this meme that goes around, and basically all it says is "one decision could change your life" it's referring to drunk driving, but it's actually been something that I've been thinking about lately. 

Where we are right now is because of the string of choices we made, (or choices other people made and how we decided to move forward in consequence). 

For instance, I still live in Florida 3 years after moving here when the plan was to be here simply for a few months. I very nearly made the decision to live in Charleston SC, and then I almost moved back home to the outer banks, and I've almost decided to move to Raleigh to be with my bff and her kid.  But I'm still here.
Each time the opportunity presented itself, I prepared, even packed, got a job, but then when the moment came I looked at the life path that I would be choosing and I couldn't. It's not that any of them would have been wrong, but there was something that made it so I didn't feel right.

Rewind further, I could have stayed in Louisiana. There was no reason that I had to leave, besides the fact that I didn't see my future there. One decision away from an entirely different life.

And before all that, it feels like a snowball effect, so many decisions, and every single one of them would have lead to a completely different life, different people surrounding me, even a different me. Who's to say that down one of those paths life would have been easier, happier, more successful. But the way I see it, I can't regret any of the decisions, even though in retrospect some of them may have not been ideal. But I wonder, who would I have been if I had made different decisions, and where would I be now?