Down and out

 H and I are done it looks like.  More so than any other time in the past. 

If I can't respect him, how can I be in love with him? That's not to say I don't love him. I do, and always will. Same as I love Ricky, and Ayyoub, and Luke, and Micah. But I just can't. 

I'm angry sad at him today. Because I have a date with someone else. I don't want someone else. I want him. I don't want to start with someone else. I want someone who knows me already. I don't want to have to decide if I'm compatible with someone else.  I'm so mad at him. Why couldn't he love me? Why did he not try?  Why was my love not enough for him?  We could have been perfection.  

ohhh

 It's been awhile. 

Pretty status quo. Ups and downs with H. Currently in a down.  I realize that if I was anyone else, I'd be telling them to let go. Why don't I take my own advice? Don't know. Superiority complex maybe. I think that if I hold on I'm proving something, to him, to myself... it's literally insanity.  Guess it's lucky that I don't have anyone else knocking on my door. 

It's a weird thing to live alone. I'm wearing big fluffy Christmas socks, comfy pants, a sweater dress shirt. Nothing matches, it just happened. But, it's comfy. Started packing presents for my nieces and nephews to be mailed later this week. Emptied out the fridge and started boiling some broccoli that was on it's last legs. While that's on the stove, I started rearranging my todo list into my binder so that I could easily access next steps. But then I smell burning, I had taken too long away from the kitchen and the water on the broccoli had boiled away and now was burning. I jump up and put the pot in the sink filling it up with water. Turn the vent on the stove on and open the door to let out the stinky air.  This one room apartment now smells like burnt broccoli and smoke. But no one has to know except me, and now you. No one will complain. It's a whatever. 

thoughts on love rough draft

 Love loves people where they are. Sometimes you know that you won't resonate with a certain person, that the love languages you speak will harm rather than heal. Step away.  This is not an invitation to only love the people you want to, but instead, to stop and go slow. To sit and observe. To wait until you can meet them where they are. 

So much of our desire for love, both in pouring out and in receiving, comes from the fear of lack. The lack of love. 

Fear of not being loved. Not being known. Not being admired or respected. 

Guilt and shame can either be lack of love for ourselves, or a perceived expectation from others and we fear their lack of love for us because of it.

annual existential crisis

 I thought I was going to escape this years existential crisis, like I did last year. But it's back, reevaluation time to make sure my life trajectory is on the path I wish. 

I don't know. 

I have a feeling that for the first time in my life I want to "BE SOMEONE". Like have status, fame, and fortune. But at the same time, I don't. 

I want to be a leader in the community, I want to drive change, and go to chamber meetings and city galas. 

And, I want to lay on the beach and watch the tides come in. 

I keep reading this threads from people that are miserable in their lives. Isolated. Doing nothing productive. No goals, just existing. 

I swear my stomach clenches in despair, and dislike everytime. It's like my skin crawls at the thought. 

But, what am I doing? How can I fix society? How can I help people? Am I enough?  Do I have what it takes? Is my life anything? Why do I feel like I'm better than them? Where is the end of ego and pride and where does love fit in? 

I don't have the answer. 

I don't know how to solve the worlds problems. Well, I do, but I'm just one person.  

love and fear

 At work last night, the guy on the other side of the bar and I started our conversation about squirrels. By the time he left, we had covered everything from aliens to motor cross, past lives, family, travel, and the meaning of life.  It was a rollercoaster ride for sure. The conversation ended on the two things that are our points of origin in motivation of everything. 

Why do we do anything? Is it out of love? Or is it out of fear?  When we make love be our reason for being, the core of everything we are, fear has no place.  But when we allow fear a place, it is pervasive and can infect everything. 

I love so much that this topic came up because it has a fundamental spot in my new novel, and conversations sharpen my ideas.  

In H news.... there's been sexy time talk the last few nights. He's in Texas I think with Taylor, so they're just training so he drinks every night.- and then texts me.  I'm worried about who he's becoming.  He's just so unhappy. 

6 weeks

 It was 6 weeks of silence.  Still haven't gotten a phone call. Still no explanation. My heart is still broken. I just want things to be good again. I just want to feel like I can talk to him. I hate this distance between our souls. It feels like we're done, because he's making no moves to repair us.  It's the epitome of taking me for granted. 

He told me the other day that we're bonded forever. He also said he wasn't mad that I went on other dates, that he understands. 

I don't want him to understand.  I want him to be upset. I want him to claim me. But that doesn't seem like it's going to happen. It feels like he's just giving up. He'll take what I give, but won't make any other moves. 

but that's that story. I don't see a  happy ever after... and I want one so badly. But it feels like it's so entitled of me to even wish for one. I'm okay. I'm okay. 

so it happened as I suspected

 As anticipated he did come home. He saw me because he was sad. And then I got sad because it was one sided. Sent him a message about it after he subsequently left. and haven't heard from him since. Today is his birthday. 

I'm so upset

 I'm so upset with you. 

I haven't seen you in 8 months, yet you "might" try to see me after I get off work at midnight on friday? 

I'm so hurt. I don't even know what to do. I want to just be done with you. I sent you an email, but apparently you didn't read it. I thought that would do it. Maybe I need to send the other one, the one that spells it all out. 

My heart wants to forgive you though. Because that what it does, but this is a pattern of behavior. Stuck in the IF HE WANTED TO HE WOULD box. It's clear by the actions that I am not what you want, despite any words you might say from time to time. 

it continues

 Status quo.

Life remains much the same. I'm dog sitting still in addition to the bartending at the hotel, so I actually haven't spent too much time at my own house. I went on a major food shopping spree this morning as I start thinking about meal prepping. - Will work on that on my day off on Tuesday, since this is my free week. Tomorrow is monday and I work 12-6, and immediately after that I go to a play my friend wrote and do a book signing there. Fingers crossed that it pulls in some people. We'll see. 

H says he's coming home for a few days the first week of July. We'll see if that actually happens. He hasn't really spoken to me in a few weeks, pretty much after telling me that I'm his ride or die and he's not going to let me pull all the weight of this relationship anymore. I just don't know what's going on. I haven't seen him in person since the first week of December, so it'll be a 7 straight months of not seeing eachother.  That's horrible. And probably why I'm struggling so bad. Plus, he's never been this quiet. He used to call me at least once a week when he was on the road. Lately it's been maybe once a month, and some texts inbetween. How is that a relationship?! Sigh.  

Book sales have been even slower this month. I think I've made 2 dollars so far, and I've only got a week left. Though, my mom took some books to sell at the farmers markets they do on the outer banks. Sold a few that way. I need to get up to Georgia and get my books from the bookstore there. She's said she'd give them to the thrift store if they're not picked up by october, and while I don't hate that idea, I'd rather give them to libraries or something. 

life

 Everything has finally started coming together. Book sales have been limited this month, but I've gotten some good reviews, got it put in another bookstore. I have a meeting with a client tomorrow morning because he read my book, so that's a positive as well. 

I've been dog sitting/walking for extra money, and have gotten a job bartending at a Sheraton. It's not been too bad. Moved into an apartment this past week, thank goodness. Still waiting to get it fully put together, but it's getting there. 

H has been hit and miss as always, but it sounds like he'll be living with me when he comes home. He says he misses me and that I'm his ride or die. I don't know. I hope so. But he's quiet again. I don't know. I hate that he's always hot and cold. I miss him so desperately, and I want us to work out, but I just don't have that faith. I have the hope, but not the trust. 

changes

 Left Georgia on a wing and a prayer, no job, no house- just camping. It's scary. It was cold. 

I don't know what is happening. I've been down here for two weeks tomorrow and still have no job. That is so surprising to me. I wasn't expecting that at all.  I have to start serving somewhere this week. I definitely need the money. 

I don't know what to make of it. I haven't written squat on my new book. My mind is too caught up with the anxiety of survival. 

I have an interview tomorrow for a job I don't really want. I'm going to go and see what happens, but it's not ideal. At least I'll get dressed up anyhow. 

I'm going to go to the food pantry that I used to volunteer at occasionally on wednesday. It will be nice to do something productive, with people that have a heart and a purpose. 

happiness rewrite

 Writing this book was a journey into my own heart and beliefs. I like figuring out answers for myself, exploring what feels right and true for my own life.

So many people say happiness is an emotion, it's fleeting. There's no way to hold on to it. But what if that was because we've been doing it wrong? We haven't been aware of the root of happiness. So, what is that?  I found the words for it by the time I finished the book. The root of happiness is love. Think of your happiest moments.  Typical ones include your wedding day, the birth of your child, graduating, accomplishing a goal... They are moments that you are filled with love. Love for someone else, love for yourself, even love of nature!
I've come to the conclusion that it doesn't have to be fleeting. Learn your love languages and how you can speak them to yourself. This way your happiness isn't dependent on the people around you. 

to be continued

book signing

 I had my first book signing ever yesterday. 

It went rather as expected. It was pouring rain, so there wasn't a whole lot of people out and about. There were about 7 customers the whole time I was there and 5 of them bought my book. So that's something.  I just can't help but wish there were more. I exhausted my friends that are interested in the book, so now what?  The only way I can really see it gaining any traction is if a celebrity promotes it. 

I've had really heart warming reviews. I try to remember that when the doubt and despair creep in. If I just change one life, maybe that's enough. Now the second book is being worked on, and hopefully that one will land even harder. But I feel like I need my own journey to progress further- even in the things that I know so that I can write it better. 

The first customer to the book signing was Amy and her daughter. They came in shortly after I got set up. They walked slowly around the store, browsing, avoiding eye contact. But finally they got over to me, and Amy says, "So we actually came in today to meet you." I swear my heart hit the floor in the best way possible. I'd say that it soared, but it wasn't like that. It was deep soul hitting.  She asked questions about me, my book, the process, and then said, "full transparency, I also wrote a book and published last month." I immediately high fived her, and I gave her my number so we could have coffee sometime and talk book stuff. Who knows if she'll ever reach out, but hopefully. 

 

he and I

 Are actually good right now. Sharing with him the success of my book and the reviews people have given me have boosted us to another level. I don't know if it will last, but for now I'm just accepting what it is and enjoying that. 

It's been really good, the feedback from my book. Like, it's impacting lives. 

Even today, Desiree texted me and told me she booked a venue for her and her worship team to sing this summer. She said she would have never done it if I hadn't inspired her to reach for it by writing the book. 

It's just mind blowing. 

My brother called me to talk about his crisis that he's going through right now this morning. And then Amanda called a few hours later to talk about her crisis.  So it was nice to feel needed. I don't know if I made a dent, but at least it was something. 

Other than that, pet sitting is not paying the bills as well as I'd hope. So trying to figure out an alternative. Interview saturday and monday at a winery and a bank respectively. We'll see.  I also don't know if I should try to get a real job or if I should just leave in March. 

I want to go back to Florida because it's warm. I have the writer's group, and a couple friends... but mostly because I have my favorite spots and swimming. Also it's H's homebase. I don't want that to be a motivator, because he's gone most of the time, but it's still a factor. 

I could also move to Wilmington. Closer to the parents/Erikah/Susannah Still have beach and city life. But... yeah. I don't know. It still gets cold in the winter. I kinda just feel like that would be another lateral move. 

Oh, back to book stuff. My first book signing on Saturday. Fingers crossed. 

it is what you make of it

"Most relationships are transactional."

Wait. Isn't "It is what you make of it"? 

I read the first thought in the wee hours of the morning, and in the 12 hours since then, my soul has screamed out in disagreement. 

God is love. This is the foundation to all things, in my opinion. Love is the tie that binds. Love in some form is the basis of all relationships. A relationship forged by a common interest, by a common goal, by attraction, or even shared DNA, all have a love of something or someone as its core. 
If love is your foundation, how can any relationship be transactional? Love can only be freely given, it is not a currency, and if it weaponized into a currency, I have to argue that at that point it is no longer love. You're giving of yourself in any type of relationship. When you choose to charge for that, that is when it becomes transactional. Then the relationship has walls and boundaries, and love is no longer free flowing.  At this point, you stifle God, that divine Love that knows no walls, that simply IS. 

In any of our relationships, don't we have the choice? We can choose how we receive, and how we give. Love is free and never wasted, because it is the Divine in us, shared with all those we come in contact with. Deserved or not. 
Relationships are what you make of them. Letting them be transactional stifles the Divine in you. Changing your mind to love being a gift freely given by the One, changes everything. It's when we create expectations for the giving and receiving of love that disappointment arises and boundaries are placed. 

Love freely. Love with abandon. Love because it is not your own, but The One that lives in us.