ups and downs

Christmas and Christmas eve were great, for the most part, singing with the choirs, dressing up, finding community with strangers- all really nice. However, some how I still cried yesterday.  It had been awhile since there was legit pain and tears. I guess it had been ramping up to that though. The issue I'm having  with my brother is just making things that much worse. The thoughts of "the people I love most, hate me."  I don't want to stay in love with a memory.
I went to the morning mass this morning, simply because I woke up, and assumed it meant I was to go. So I went. The priest talked about Stephan the martyr, and the mantra was "into thy hands I commend my spirit" and "you shall be hated by all nations for my names sake".
What a thing to tie into my life.
I don't handle it well.
Love is just  so natural to me. Why and how can you hate? How can you hold something against someone for any period of time? 
How could God use one person to teach me what it feels like to be loved, and also what it feels like to be hated?

So I started reading Job again today to apply it to my life. I know I'm incredibly blessed. I know God's favor shines bright on me.  Yet, still I have a hole carved out and defaced on my heart, and I don't know how to fix it.

Holiday season

I went home to the beach for a few days last week, totally surprising the family. They enjoyed the visit, and we had fun. I was surprisingly happy to come back to Louisiana. For all that I have complained about it, I like who I am here. I like the freedom not to live up to anyone's expectations, I like being able to surround myself with all things God when I'm not working, and sometimes when I am. Which sounds intense, but it's just where I'm at right now.  Striving to be better and learn, and be who I'm created to be.
I still worry about making enough money at work, I don't want to work as much as I do for as little as I make. But they need me. So we'll see.


I'm fixing to go sing in the choir for Christmas eve mass. Last year I was singing with Micah in front of our church. It was amazing. I listened to one of the videos I took of him singing last year, and I caught back a sob. 3 months later, there's still a crater.

I was thinking about love, how can you love someone when you don't know them anymore? At that point do you simply love a memory or do you actually still love them?  Even in reference to my brothers that I haven't seen or talked to in a while. I don't know the answer to that question.

I know there will be a part of me that doesn't stop loving, ever. I love Ricky, I love Ayyoub, I love Luke, and even Mike... do I want to be in a relationship with them? No... but I still love them.

The new year is coming.

At peace

I suddenly find myself at peace. With hope, and joy.
What a struggle it's been to get here.

The God I know is one of miracles, and I am simply going to walk in His calling- who knows what tomorrow brings.


I started writing something about the darkness that is rising in humans, that is taking over the world. The Dali Lama has been saying it for a long time in the present age. Compassion is ending. When compassion and the ability to view things from another perspective leaves you, you are left susceptible to hatred, selfishness, pride and fear.  Why are negative emotions ruling society?

Love wins.