Christmas and Christmas eve were great, for the most part, singing with the choirs, dressing up, finding community with strangers- all really nice. However, some how I still cried yesterday. It had been awhile since there was legit pain and tears. I guess it had been ramping up to that though. The issue I'm having with my brother is just making things that much worse. The thoughts of "the people I love most, hate me." I don't want to stay in love with a memory.
I went to the morning mass this morning, simply because I woke up, and assumed it meant I was to go. So I went. The priest talked about Stephan the martyr, and the mantra was "into thy hands I commend my spirit" and "you shall be hated by all nations for my names sake".
What a thing to tie into my life.
I don't handle it well.
Love is just so natural to me. Why and how can you hate? How can you hold something against someone for any period of time?
How could God use one person to teach me what it feels like to be loved, and also what it feels like to be hated?
So I started reading Job again today to apply it to my life. I know I'm incredibly blessed. I know God's favor shines bright on me. Yet, still I have a hole carved out and defaced on my heart, and I don't know how to fix it.
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