self doubt and the past

I can't even tell you how new information makes me doubt everything. Was I entirely in my head? Was I making words and actions into something, when there was nothing there?  Part of me screams "No. There was something there. Don't let it effect you."
But the other part of me is simply defeated. "How could I have been so wrong?"  I'm just going to tell you, never ever before in my life have I been more wrong about things than in the last 3 months. Part of my ego plays off the notion that I'm never completely wrong.  But now it's like I'm getting slammed from all angles and the drum beat is "You lose. You lose. You lose."

But I do realize that this is all in the past now. My present is just void, so my brain isn't staying in the moment very well right now.

Realities and choices

My words to someone I care about: "I am so unbelievably pissed at you. I hate that I always have to accept your reality,  but you always dismiss mine. Why is yours the only one get any consideration?"
This path was a choice.
You either fight for things in life, or you let life bulldoze you. One or the other.  Fight to be happy. Fight for the things you want.  Cling to the things that are real and true and in the present.


My boss is still working on the schedule, so I should know tomorrow if I'll be departing- or staying. I want to go. It's numbing here, and I feel stuck.
This lack of sleep has to stop. I keep sleeping in the dream stage, so I have anxiety dreams all the time. There's probably only be 3 nights in the past 3 weeks that I have slept solidly and heavily.
Last night this guy Alex that I know from Florida texted me at 1am to say hi, and that he wished I would've let things go to where we should've taken them. When I asked what that was, he said that he should have my ass in his hands as I rode him.   .... He has a girl he is planning on asking to marry.  When he has hit on me before, I always bring her up, and told him that I am not that kind of girl. But he really doesn't care, not at all. It's nauseating. I can't even tell you how many inappropriate suggestions I have gotten over the years. It's continual. Decency is very rare.
I've found one, but that's it, and I've been through countless of them. It's crazy how many of them I still consider my friends, though, they're really on the lower scale of friends- I know, I'm a chameleon, and I am not easily offended.

Exhausted.

Option 3

Options 1 &2 were shot down. The basis for my theory for option 2 was faulty. I was still operating on old information, in which he didn't want me to leave, initially. But he has since realized, I guess, that he is better with me not close by. I have to admit, it is super frustrating to always be on the opposite page. Found out during our conversation tonight that we weren't even on the same page to begin with. But, here's the deal, that John Mayer song, "half of my heart", well- Before I moved there, he let the part of his heart out that was falling in love with me out, and when he let pieces of the other half out, I was under the impression that he was just being cautious.  But then the other half of his heart won out, and the acreage that I had started shrinking.

Option 1 I'm not quite ready for- because I still think I'm better because of him.

Option 3. What does it look like? I'm not sure. A lot like 1, to be perfectly honest with you. The doing life together is not going to happen, so I have had to retract my feelings enough to be okay with that. Instead of letting him have all the acreage in my head and heart, I have to be an indian giver and take it back. But, he doesn't want it anyway, so no worries there.
So what remains? The fond memories, enduring love....but that's all it can be. 
I had already let go of my hopes for the future, and then I had to stop wallowing, and now... now I have had to let go of the memory of the other half of his heart, and the dream house on acreage I had started to build- but was then destroyed.

I am fine alone. It's much simpler. Not as rewarding, and not as edifying, but ever so much easier.

needs

I've been doing a lot of thinking about needs and being needed and what is right.

So in his current state of mind, the one I love cannot be needed. Probably a symptom of ptsd from the past. He believes he is meant to be alone because relationships are too much for his psyche. He is the only one who would know this, so I have to go along with it.
So I left, not wanting to destroy what we had left in the way of friendship. And now here I sit, 2000 miles away, and I haven't been able to stop wallowing. Staying with my sister and her fiancée hasn't made the wallowing any better, because they are best friends- they finish eachothers sentences, there's giggling that happens after hours in the bedroom... and I miss that. I gave him my heart while I was there and forgot to pack it when I left. So basically I've been left gapingly open.
They say that distance makes the heart grow fonder. It doesn't. My feelings haven't changed. His feelings, well, my perpetual wallow is making things difficult. So I feel like I need to shut off, but I don't know how to without losing everything. And maybe that's the choice I'll have to make.  He grows tired of me, and that is not a good sign.
I have to find something else to do. Interests and activities that can occupy my brain. That is what I need. I am literally doing nothing with my time. See how much I've been writing? I mean, that's great and all... but it means I'm stuck in my own head.
At this point, I feel like there are two options. 1. I shut off. I reneg on my ability to remain friends. I run away and try to forget everything. 2. I stop trying to help him fix him, and return to being near him so we can function in the day to day as best friends. And build my life separate but close by.  Personally, I like doing life with him.
My decision to leave in the first place was entirely based on the future. If I don't leave, he'll feel like he owes it to me to spend time with me, even when he wants alone time.  If I don't leave, he won't ever feel alone-  which is what he needs. If I don't leave, he'll see the heartbreak in my eyes and won't be able to look at me without feeling a sense of guilt knowing that he was the cause.
All valid reasons to leave.
But, here we are in the present- and all those things are currently destructing us, even from simply phone calls and texts.
What do I need?
At this point, I need (or is it a want?) him in my life. He makes me a better person. He stretches me beyond myself.
But, here is the deal. Whenever I have felt like I needed something in the past, God says no. You have to do it alone. Why would I think this time would be different?  The answer to that, is because God designed the meeting- and all the steps since then.
So, the question now is, what does he need? Which option does he need me to follow?
Also- this is not me changing my mind about the validity of my decision to leave in the first place. I know that that also needed to happen. 1. So that I would let go of the past. 2. So that I would realize things about myself, and the path that I am on.

If I were to follow option 2 what would that look like?  Well, there would have to be ground rules. And acceptance of the fact of love- but not waiting/hoping for things to change. That would not be living in the present, but in the future, once again, where only heartache exists.
If I were to follow option 1- what would that look like?  Well, it's a dismissal of everything. It would require turning off my soul and running away.
I really don't think it's the healthiest option, and it also feels like rejection of God's path. On the flip side, it does look a lot like what I would choose. Turn off, and travel. It just doesn't seem right, though. Why can't it be right? In my quest to experience, this wasn't on my list.
But, this is not a one person decision, not when it effects someone else. What does he want? What does he need? Either option, I'll be okay with. And if he sees an option 3, maybe that will be better.

Dreams

I dreamt about Ayyoub last night. I was at a cable park, and I kept trying to go out around the course, but then someone would need me. One time it was a random person needing a ride somewhere, and another time some old guy let a toddler out on the deck and she fell in so I jumped in to grab the kid. Then I was heading back out, Ayyoub was in front of me, I followed him for a bit until we got to the stairs leading out to the deck. I said his name a few times before he turned to look at me. To my surprise he wasn't upset that I was there. I was trying to explain that I just happened to be in the area and wanted to go to the cable park, and had no idea that he was there. He just shushed me. He was happy to see me, and gave me a hug. I told him I was surprised at that, because last thing I knew, he was furious with me. I told him that whenever anyone asks if I regret anything, this is what comes to mind. Not that I regret it necessarily, I just felt like part of why Lourdes and Brandon broke up was my fault. He told me that I need to not blame myself.  He asked me how I was, if I had fallen in love yet. So, I told him of my adventures, how I had fallen in love, but it wasn't to be- and that now I just kept myself busy adventuring, not leaving room for anything more.



Was I more honest in my dream than I am in real life? Is that how I plan to cope? Is there really that strain of guilt, even though I know in my head it wasn't actually my fault?
Ayyoub was also my best friend for two years. We no longer speak. Ricky was my best friend for 3 years. We no longer speak. Mike was my best friend for 5 months. We no longer speak.
I do have a fear of abandonment, I guess. Maybe that's why I insist on having a family that gets along. hmmm. Interesting insights into my psyche.

It keeps breaking

And I can't stop it. He doesn't mean to, and I'm sure he doesn't realize when he says things that break my soul.  I've been feeling fragile because I'd sent texts that went unanswered. And then just not much of anything today. Which is fine, but it just seems to be heading down the road I knew it was going to go. And that is what I hoped to avoid.

I mentioned it in the last post, but I've realized it more and more. My fear was that since I moved away, we would drift apart- and my best friend will no longer be there. I just didn't want to lose that. It always happens.

So here I am all alone. I have no friends here. There's no one but my family, and I can't be anything but strong and capable. So I have been hiding in my room a lot. I don't have the energy to pretend, especially with the cold and the rain.
Today was a little better as far as the weather is concerned, but as the day wore on, and there was simply nothing from the boy, I just knew that I miss him far more than I am missed. My desire to do life together, even if we have to try from afar is not going to be feasible.
So this is the pity party that I am having. At least I know it is one. God keeps making me let go, and I don't want to, and so it gets forced, and that hurts even more. I just don't know how to let go and fall into the dark when I got this far into the light. But it's as though I'm bringing that darkness with me and poisoning the light.
Just let go.
But where then is my joy?
It's not in my circumstances, it's not in the people around me, it's not in the future, it's not in the past. I'm not seeing my own magic, I just see darkness.

No more stress

It's funny how much better you can feel after sleep with no dreaming.  I didn't wake up at all during the night, which hasn't happened in awhile.
I feel like I hit the breaking point with everything, and finally just let it all go.

Today was a pretty good day at work. I feel like I didn't mess up, really. I remembered pretty much everything, and things went smoothly.
I talked to Micah's mom this evening, which was kinda weird, but good. She had told me the last time we talked that she was getting her tooth pulled soon, so I just messaged her to she if it went okay. But then she asked about me, so I told her how I've been struggling with the overkill of emotions lately.
It was actually really good to tell her all the things I did, just because it helped me realize in my own head where I am. She expressed a concern that I was pining over Micah. I had to convey to her that I am not. I may miss him with every fiber of my being, heart and soul, but as it stands, I wouldn't change my decision to leave. I know I made the right decision.

I had actually been thinking about it today, he and I typically still talk on the phone every day, usually for about 2 hours. It helps with the distance. But, here's the deal, I don't talk to any of my friends that often. So, do we need to not talk so much?  I don't know. I just want to do what's right for him.  The selfish part of me wants to continue talking as much as we do, because I like doing life with him. And I don't want him to forget that he loves me. (I'm so pathetic)
I have 3 best friends besides him.
Eve- I go through phases of talking to her. Sometimes we talk a couple times a week, other times it can be months, and I've only known her 2 years, if that.
CJ- We used to do lots of things together, but now that I no longer live near her, we're pretty much only facebook friends. I think I've talked to her on the phone twice since I moved nearly a year ago.
Maggie- We were bestfriends, roommates, and excelled at being 5 together. I was in her wedding. We kept in contact after I moved... but then she got married, and then she had a baby. Sometimes that just means friends kind of fizzle. We still talk every couple of months, but that's about it.
There is Erin and Lauren also, basically the same stories.  We were close, but are no longer. 
Moral of the story, I don't want that to happen.  But maybe it will.
I feel like I'm just letting go of everything.
Do no harm.

mortality part 2

It's sorta like I'm bi-polar about it. I'm fine about it, but not really at all on the flip side. It's super weird. I don't want to think about it. If I ignore it, it'll go away, right?
I couldn't sleep again last night. But I don't know if I was stressing out more about the fact of what could be, or the fact I was stressing at all. Plus then, I told him to read this, because I've wanted to tell him since I found it, but couldn't. And he never responded. So the stress dreams I would have as I halfway dozed, were typically scenarios that didn't happen, and wouldn't happen in real life.  I was thinking about my reason for telling him. It was the bi-polar part that is not okay with the idea, and I didn't want to be the only one who knew. It was very selfish of me. I don't know anything for sure. Why put that burden on anyone else, let alone the one I love. That's crazy.
Tricksy tricksy thing life is.

a random mix

I don't even actually know really what I'm thinking about at this point. I'm feeling super bored. I like doing nothing with the best of them, but it's like if I fill that time with tv- I just end up feeling bored like I wasted that time. I think that's why I enjoy working as much as I do. I don't like being stuck in my own mind for too long, it's dangerous. I like interacting with people. I like smiling and making their days be better. I like being a difference.
I miss the sun. It's only been partly sunny one day since I got here 1 week ago. This winter storm that has the whole east coast in a tizzy has finally made it here with some flurries. It was inches of rain yesterday and the ocean was fierce today with the storm winds.  At least in Seattle I could go walking and adventuring- new sights and sounds. Here, it's just houses. Unless you get out of town and then it's sand dunes. Neither of which are fun in the cold and rain. It's time to batten down the hatches and find something to do indoors. But what? That remains to be seen.
2 days into the new job now, and I'm feeling pretty okay about it. They're kind of really persnickety about the methods of doing things. The 4 senior people there, two of which are the owners and the 2 managers, are extremely ocd. Luckily, I have someone like that in my life. But 4 ocd's are a bit intense, let me tell ya.


He told me today that he will still be finishing the song that he started writing for me. I was quite a bit surprised by that. I'm glad, because I love it and him. But, he felt the need to clarify that I made him feel like that for a short time. He didn't mean anything by saying that, but damn. I'm still confused at how easily he was able to not be in love anymore. I don't mind, because on the flip side he does love me. And I'd rather have love- real and true, than the "in love" fleeting emotion when the heat dies down.  For me, nothing has changed except that it just seems to get deeper as the days go by. (Which will probably freak him out.) It's like that day when I decided to surrender what I thought was best for what was being told to me, it was the truest surrender I had ever experienced. And now I don't know how to rewind, and I don't actually want to. I really enjoy who I've become, and am becoming. I know that this whole thing has made me a much better person, more whole.

Tomorrow is a new day, we'll see how it goes.

New job

Today was a good day. Even with the lack of sleep last night, due to late night phone calls- and bad dreams. Work was interesting and new. I worked with people I already know and like... it was alex's birthday so we got to tease him about being old all day, even though I'm older than him. They were all going out for a drink afterwards to celebrate, and I was asked to join. I showed up late and left early, because the mother made me a quiche for dinner. Then when I got back to my sisters' house, there were fresh chocolate chip cookies. Can't beat that.
Quality conversation with my best friend. Dreams were hatched of places we should travel to and how we'd manage to get there. Stowaway on a boat perhaps. :) Much needed laughter and relaxation.
Morning shift tomorrow and I'll be making the food. Shit, I forgot to grab a hat from my parents house....

Goodnight!

Mortality

So, last night I felt a lump in a place it shouldn't be. I don't know if was just a fluke thing, or if there is something going on. Today it's hard to find, but still felt it.  At this point, it's just a "hmm, that's interesting" scenario. And so I have been thinking about it. Say it was something, what would I do? Is there anything I feel the need to do before...?  The answer is no. I'm good. I have no regrets. My ambition to see the world, it wasn't to see the world, necessarily, it was to experience life as much as possible. There is WAY more that I haven't seen and experienced, but I have experienced fully the things given to me until now. At least since I've been aware of life.
Would I fight to stay? I don't know. I guess I don't mind one way or the other. Everyone dies at some point.


That's your good morning thought from me. haaaa

I'm off to work- first day at the new job. Yippee.

Raw and healing

It's been a pretty rough week for me. Last week I had just said goodbye to everyone at church. Tuesday night I spent a pretty awesome evening with the one that I love. Only to leave him in the morning. But, I think we both needed it to say goodbye, or maybe it was just me. I'm not sure if it made the goodbye easier or harder. Probably both. I just know in the days that passed with the stresses of the car problems, running out of money and no hope in the near horizon- all I wanted was to go home. The safety of his arms, the calmness of sitting in the house- just us and the world going on without us. The joy of sunlight on snow, the clear skies full of stars and moonlight.
I tend to let all my walls down when I love, so nothing protects me. I believe it's the right way to operate for me, anyway- because it allows me to experience with no reservations and allows me to give of myself the same.  Although- there was always a part of myself that held back, because I knew he wasn't sure. I can't wait until the day that there are no reservations, no fear- complete and total surrender and exploration.  I wanted to before I left, but I couldn't. It didn't seem like the time was right.

With the unexpected charge of 600 for my car repairs in Kansas, that left me really completely short of cash. So, I had to make a choice as far as where to go. Go back west, (stay close to my heart and home), go south where it's warm and there are big cities... or continue my journey east- spending more days and money than I want to. However- have to help my sister pick out a wedding dress.
My parents reaction to my predicament left much to be desired. Their first method was blame- as in that my whole detour to Colorado was the biggest mistake of my life. The second was the guilt trip and then the washing of hands "do what you want". All very unhelpful and adding to my stress instead of otherwise. My stress level was so high, and I had no idea what was the right choice to make.  Talking to him was really the only thing that kept me halfway steady- but in the end it had to be my decision.  I decided to go back to the beach and help my sister, it's only money, right?! I just didn't have any sort of peace about anything else. 

I didn't speak to them for a whole day- which was a long time for me when I knew there was angst between us. I don't usually let things simmer, but I was feeling very angry- but not so much about what they said about me, but their unreasonable disparaging remarks about Micah, the fact that they would even think less of him when he's been my world.
But, I talked it through with them, and made them understand- at least to whatever extent parents can understand. My dad's biggest deal was the "God told me, you're not for me." statement. My dad doesn't believe in God to that extent, mostly to any extent at all. So he thinks that it was just an excuse on Micah's part.
Sigh. Family.

And here's the kicker of it all. My first day back here, I get offered a job. It's not that much money, but.. it could work temporarily. And then I could help Erikah with her whole wedding planning process instead of being gone the whole time. So, now I have to decide whether or not to stay here or to go on to Florida.  What an extremely emotional week for me.

The ache

Yesterday was mostly just shock- the shock of leaving, of having to say goodbye, and then the car dying.

This morning was filled with trying to get things put together, and then exploring as I wait until tomorrow evening for my car to be fixed. Now I'm just lounging at the hotel room, and I miss him. I think I've been too busy to notice it too much, but now I've got nothing but time. There is a void.

I will keep going tomorrow, but I want to turn around. Why am I leaving my home? Why am I leaving my heart? Why am I leaving my best friend?

What does it all mean?

There are no words for today. There is so much I want to say, feelings I want to express.. I just don't know how at this point.

I drove away from my boy today. I tried really hard not to cry as I left him, but I didn't quite succeed.  There have been only a few catching sobs as I drove, when I left the state especially, and when songs would come on the radio... that made me think of him. Especially 10,000 Reasons- because we sang it together several times. Then when I got tired, I rubbed my face, and my hand smelled of soap, and yet the scent of him remains on my skin.

I've just felt loss combined with despair, but the knowledge that this was the best thing to do. However, then I get 6 hours away and my car is dead. Why? Another 600 out the window. We'll know for sure in the morning. Just far enough away that I have to take care of everything, no one can help. Yet another chance for me to be 100% outside my comfort zone. If I had a choice, I would have a guy who could take care of all the things I couldn't. So, I find that every time something like this happens, the guys that have been in my life have been unable to help, so I have to take care of it myself.  I am meant to be extraordinarily independent, I guess. Just days like today it feels like it's too much. I just want to be held and told everything will be okay. But it won't be. And I can't have that.

I don't know my next step. Lost. Stranded.

Saying goodbyes

I can't bear it. Saying goodbye to everyone else I know here today has been rough. People have cried and that tears at my soul a bit. With each goodbye that is said it just means that much closer to having to say goodbye to Micah, and I literally can't bear it at all. I have to avoid thinking about it, otherwise I'll curl up in a ball. I can't do it. I don't want to do it. I just want to hold him til the end of days. Why do I have to go?
I'll break. I'm going to have to wait until after I meet up with my aunt on Tuesday to say goodbye to Micah, otherwise I won't make it to dinner. I don't know how I'm going to do it. Not at all. How can I leave?

The countdown of days

This morning has been extremely rough on my emotions. Yesterday was such a really great day. I climbed the mountain behind the house and made it all the way up to the tree line. I can't even explain to you the splendor of the views. Even the pictures that I took don't do it justice.
Then I spent the rest of the evening with Micah. It was pretty normal, lots of teasing and laughter- just companionship. It was really great.
And then this morning I just sob. I don't want to leave him. I don't want to say goodbye.  Why'd have to get so difficult?!  God damn I love him so.

Decisions

So the decision has been made. I am leaving. I'll know more tomorrow when that will be, depends on how long it takes my car to get fixed, and the notice my job will require of me. We'll see.  Where am I going to go? First I'll go home to the outer banks.

The more people I talk to the more it sounds like maybe I should go down to Florida again for the winter season. I have to be back up in NC for May and my sister's wedding, and then back in Colorado for Eve's wedding the first weekend in June. So, whatever job I have and/or place to live needs to be temporary. And then after that, potentially it's off to Europe or wherever else I yearn to wander.


The reason I decided to go? Because of the boy. Because it will be healthier for both our sakes if I went. If I were to stay, I wouldn't be able to handle the constant reminder of our mutual love for each other, but the inability to act on it. And he ... and he would get upset that I was upset, and it would just be sad all the way around.
What about the consequences of leaving? Well, they can't be a factor. The present is what I can control. If the consequences are as predicted, so be it. Maybe in 10 years things will be different. :)

I saw him tonight to talk this all through. So many times, as he would be talking to me, and we would be laughing, I would have to catch my breath. So incredibly in love with him, I am, and there isn't anything I can do about it. And he needs me to not be.
He swears that I'll find someone "badass" because if I think he's awesome, the guy I end up with will have to be so much more than that. I can't even consider that at this point. I don't want to. I can't.
In this short time, I have experienced more incredible love than I have ever even dreamed was possible. And I mean that on all levels. And I never tried, it just was.


So letting go and leaving, is both the easiest and hardest thing I'll ever do. Easiest in that running away and changing my life is way easier to me than staying and seeing things through past the hurt. Hardest thing because I don't want to leave. I wish there was hope if I stayed, because I would work past the pain if there was joy on the other side instead of just more pain. But I don't see that happening. So away I go.

At a loss

I'm at such a loss for what to do. What is the next move in this game of life? It is as though I was playing checkers- making all my moves with a king. I got blindsided through a move I didn't think was possible, and now my king is gone and I have to come up with another strategy. All options require sacrifice.

I have today and the next to make some decision.

My parents aren't making the decision any easier, either. Because they just feel I made an epic mistake in coming here. I don't. Not at all. Maybe I'll decide to stay, and then they'll really freak out.  I just don't know.

Why did life get to be so difficult?!

The end

It's funny how the end just creeps up on you. I didn't get a choice in the matter once again. Obviously from reading my past posts, you know where my heart has been.
Maybe 8 weeks is a thing, that's as long as a relationship can last in my world.

I've been holding on, and it's been freaking him out. So I have to stop holding. Following a hard conversation, I sent him a pretty long email that wasn't very gentle. It was one of those "last word" letters, calling him out on a few major things. If there was even the smallest chance, I killed it, probably. I don't think I was unkind, because the long and short of it is that I love him, unconditionally. But, I didn't hold back, either.

Currently running on about 3 hours of sleep. Still trying to figure out my next step. My brother said he'd help me out as far as money goes in getting a new/used transmission for my car. So I'm going to find out about that tomorrow. Sigh.
It's never easy.

Serendipity, you tricksy bugger.

2015-2016

It's been a crazy year. This past year was full of relationships. At this time last year, I was learning from yacht boy what it means to me to be all in. A couple months went past and then the unicorn came into my life, and blessed it with magic for a few months. Then through a quick succession of potentials, I discovered that relationships were too hard and not for me. I like being single.
And then the unthinkable. A serendipitous moment, followed by yet another... a easy best friend, and then the words "I love you". My world turned around and I followed the call.
There have been many ups and downs, but I can easily say that this is it. This is what I had been waiting for, and didn't realize. I'm sure there will continue to be ups and downs, and maybe I will scare him away with my certitude.

I started writing a song today, first time ever to have attempted that. He says that’s how God speaks through him. Maybe I should try, because I too, figure things out when I write.  So I start writing. I can’t stay focused, because the things that need to be said don’t come out in song form.

 

I remember the first time you said “I love you”.  You said it was because God told you to say it.  When you said it, it stopped me in my tracks. I was flabbergasted. Saying “I love you” had always been so easy for me, because I always meant it in a more flippant “love you” kind of way. I couldn’t say it back at first, because I didn’t feel it, but then as the days went on, I realized that I did in fact love you. A choice had been made. It was still too soon to know the depth of this new found love, but all of a sudden there it was. A light in the darkness, something real, something true. Something that God had brought together, in serendipitous moments and coincidences.  
I left my comfort zone to follow the guidance of the moments, and found myself as the days past quickly, further and further in love with my best friend. The magic in your eyes, the love that they express even in the quietest of moments. The touch of your hand, that sends shivers up and down my spine, the moment our skin collides. When the weight of the world crashes down on me, the strength I find in your presence. There is still laughter, even in the dark moments.
The day you told me you heard from god, saying that I was not for you, I was shaken to my core. I knew in my heart, that this was not truth. But how could I say that? You believe it to be the voice of God.
Was it the same voice that told you to tell me that you loved me? Or was it the voice of the deceiver?  Did you test the spirit? 1^st John 4:1 says to test the spirit, because there are many deceivers out there.

You are at war within yourself, because half of you believes the voice. But the other half knows that I was brought to you to restore your faith in love. To give you hope for the future. To walk with you in the here and now, to bring light and laughter to the darkness you have allowed in your world.

I cannot go back to a time where I could say “I love you” to you in a flippant fashion, so for now I will not say it at all. My hands are tied while you discover more of yourself, and who you want to be. But I cannot promise that my actions will not show my love, because all that I am- loves all that you are. Accepted both the light and the darkness of your soul.

Be a simple kind of man. Be something you love and understand. You found a woman, you found love. You haven’t forgotten there’s someone up above.
For me, to deny that I love you completely and truly, would go against everything I have been shown. So, while you figure it out, I will wait. I will do my utmost not to invade. But you must know, that this is where I am.

Amid the void these words were said

It’s time to live, let there be light

As if by magic your love appeared

To flood my soul and end my night

 

  And so 2016, one day at a time. The challenges will come. I'm sure there will be tears, but also mountain tops of joy. One doesn't realize the existence of the one without the other.  Who knows what this year will bring. Changes for sure, so day after day, moment by moment- live for the now, and hope for the future.