Decisions

So the decision has been made. I am leaving. I'll know more tomorrow when that will be, depends on how long it takes my car to get fixed, and the notice my job will require of me. We'll see.  Where am I going to go? First I'll go home to the outer banks.

The more people I talk to the more it sounds like maybe I should go down to Florida again for the winter season. I have to be back up in NC for May and my sister's wedding, and then back in Colorado for Eve's wedding the first weekend in June. So, whatever job I have and/or place to live needs to be temporary. And then after that, potentially it's off to Europe or wherever else I yearn to wander.


The reason I decided to go? Because of the boy. Because it will be healthier for both our sakes if I went. If I were to stay, I wouldn't be able to handle the constant reminder of our mutual love for each other, but the inability to act on it. And he ... and he would get upset that I was upset, and it would just be sad all the way around.
What about the consequences of leaving? Well, they can't be a factor. The present is what I can control. If the consequences are as predicted, so be it. Maybe in 10 years things will be different. :)

I saw him tonight to talk this all through. So many times, as he would be talking to me, and we would be laughing, I would have to catch my breath. So incredibly in love with him, I am, and there isn't anything I can do about it. And he needs me to not be.
He swears that I'll find someone "badass" because if I think he's awesome, the guy I end up with will have to be so much more than that. I can't even consider that at this point. I don't want to. I can't.
In this short time, I have experienced more incredible love than I have ever even dreamed was possible. And I mean that on all levels. And I never tried, it just was.


So letting go and leaving, is both the easiest and hardest thing I'll ever do. Easiest in that running away and changing my life is way easier to me than staying and seeing things through past the hurt. Hardest thing because I don't want to leave. I wish there was hope if I stayed, because I would work past the pain if there was joy on the other side instead of just more pain. But I don't see that happening. So away I go.