What does it all mean?

There are no words for today. There is so much I want to say, feelings I want to express.. I just don't know how at this point.

I drove away from my boy today. I tried really hard not to cry as I left him, but I didn't quite succeed.  There have been only a few catching sobs as I drove, when I left the state especially, and when songs would come on the radio... that made me think of him. Especially 10,000 Reasons- because we sang it together several times. Then when I got tired, I rubbed my face, and my hand smelled of soap, and yet the scent of him remains on my skin.

I've just felt loss combined with despair, but the knowledge that this was the best thing to do. However, then I get 6 hours away and my car is dead. Why? Another 600 out the window. We'll know for sure in the morning. Just far enough away that I have to take care of everything, no one can help. Yet another chance for me to be 100% outside my comfort zone. If I had a choice, I would have a guy who could take care of all the things I couldn't. So, I find that every time something like this happens, the guys that have been in my life have been unable to help, so I have to take care of it myself.  I am meant to be extraordinarily independent, I guess. Just days like today it feels like it's too much. I just want to be held and told everything will be okay. But it won't be. And I can't have that.

I don't know my next step. Lost. Stranded.