It keeps breaking

And I can't stop it. He doesn't mean to, and I'm sure he doesn't realize when he says things that break my soul.  I've been feeling fragile because I'd sent texts that went unanswered. And then just not much of anything today. Which is fine, but it just seems to be heading down the road I knew it was going to go. And that is what I hoped to avoid.

I mentioned it in the last post, but I've realized it more and more. My fear was that since I moved away, we would drift apart- and my best friend will no longer be there. I just didn't want to lose that. It always happens.

So here I am all alone. I have no friends here. There's no one but my family, and I can't be anything but strong and capable. So I have been hiding in my room a lot. I don't have the energy to pretend, especially with the cold and the rain.
Today was a little better as far as the weather is concerned, but as the day wore on, and there was simply nothing from the boy, I just knew that I miss him far more than I am missed. My desire to do life together, even if we have to try from afar is not going to be feasible.
So this is the pity party that I am having. At least I know it is one. God keeps making me let go, and I don't want to, and so it gets forced, and that hurts even more. I just don't know how to let go and fall into the dark when I got this far into the light. But it's as though I'm bringing that darkness with me and poisoning the light.
Just let go.
But where then is my joy?
It's not in my circumstances, it's not in the people around me, it's not in the future, it's not in the past. I'm not seeing my own magic, I just see darkness.