Dreams

I dreamt about Ayyoub last night. I was at a cable park, and I kept trying to go out around the course, but then someone would need me. One time it was a random person needing a ride somewhere, and another time some old guy let a toddler out on the deck and she fell in so I jumped in to grab the kid. Then I was heading back out, Ayyoub was in front of me, I followed him for a bit until we got to the stairs leading out to the deck. I said his name a few times before he turned to look at me. To my surprise he wasn't upset that I was there. I was trying to explain that I just happened to be in the area and wanted to go to the cable park, and had no idea that he was there. He just shushed me. He was happy to see me, and gave me a hug. I told him I was surprised at that, because last thing I knew, he was furious with me. I told him that whenever anyone asks if I regret anything, this is what comes to mind. Not that I regret it necessarily, I just felt like part of why Lourdes and Brandon broke up was my fault. He told me that I need to not blame myself.  He asked me how I was, if I had fallen in love yet. So, I told him of my adventures, how I had fallen in love, but it wasn't to be- and that now I just kept myself busy adventuring, not leaving room for anything more.



Was I more honest in my dream than I am in real life? Is that how I plan to cope? Is there really that strain of guilt, even though I know in my head it wasn't actually my fault?
Ayyoub was also my best friend for two years. We no longer speak. Ricky was my best friend for 3 years. We no longer speak. Mike was my best friend for 5 months. We no longer speak.
I do have a fear of abandonment, I guess. Maybe that's why I insist on having a family that gets along. hmmm. Interesting insights into my psyche.