Raw and healing

It's been a pretty rough week for me. Last week I had just said goodbye to everyone at church. Tuesday night I spent a pretty awesome evening with the one that I love. Only to leave him in the morning. But, I think we both needed it to say goodbye, or maybe it was just me. I'm not sure if it made the goodbye easier or harder. Probably both. I just know in the days that passed with the stresses of the car problems, running out of money and no hope in the near horizon- all I wanted was to go home. The safety of his arms, the calmness of sitting in the house- just us and the world going on without us. The joy of sunlight on snow, the clear skies full of stars and moonlight.
I tend to let all my walls down when I love, so nothing protects me. I believe it's the right way to operate for me, anyway- because it allows me to experience with no reservations and allows me to give of myself the same.  Although- there was always a part of myself that held back, because I knew he wasn't sure. I can't wait until the day that there are no reservations, no fear- complete and total surrender and exploration.  I wanted to before I left, but I couldn't. It didn't seem like the time was right.

With the unexpected charge of 600 for my car repairs in Kansas, that left me really completely short of cash. So, I had to make a choice as far as where to go. Go back west, (stay close to my heart and home), go south where it's warm and there are big cities... or continue my journey east- spending more days and money than I want to. However- have to help my sister pick out a wedding dress.
My parents reaction to my predicament left much to be desired. Their first method was blame- as in that my whole detour to Colorado was the biggest mistake of my life. The second was the guilt trip and then the washing of hands "do what you want". All very unhelpful and adding to my stress instead of otherwise. My stress level was so high, and I had no idea what was the right choice to make.  Talking to him was really the only thing that kept me halfway steady- but in the end it had to be my decision.  I decided to go back to the beach and help my sister, it's only money, right?! I just didn't have any sort of peace about anything else. 

I didn't speak to them for a whole day- which was a long time for me when I knew there was angst between us. I don't usually let things simmer, but I was feeling very angry- but not so much about what they said about me, but their unreasonable disparaging remarks about Micah, the fact that they would even think less of him when he's been my world.
But, I talked it through with them, and made them understand- at least to whatever extent parents can understand. My dad's biggest deal was the "God told me, you're not for me." statement. My dad doesn't believe in God to that extent, mostly to any extent at all. So he thinks that it was just an excuse on Micah's part.
Sigh. Family.

And here's the kicker of it all. My first day back here, I get offered a job. It's not that much money, but.. it could work temporarily. And then I could help Erikah with her whole wedding planning process instead of being gone the whole time. So, now I have to decide whether or not to stay here or to go on to Florida.  What an extremely emotional week for me.