2015-2016

It's been a crazy year. This past year was full of relationships. At this time last year, I was learning from yacht boy what it means to me to be all in. A couple months went past and then the unicorn came into my life, and blessed it with magic for a few months. Then through a quick succession of potentials, I discovered that relationships were too hard and not for me. I like being single.
And then the unthinkable. A serendipitous moment, followed by yet another... a easy best friend, and then the words "I love you". My world turned around and I followed the call.
There have been many ups and downs, but I can easily say that this is it. This is what I had been waiting for, and didn't realize. I'm sure there will continue to be ups and downs, and maybe I will scare him away with my certitude.

I started writing a song today, first time ever to have attempted that. He says that’s how God speaks through him. Maybe I should try, because I too, figure things out when I write.  So I start writing. I can’t stay focused, because the things that need to be said don’t come out in song form.

 

I remember the first time you said “I love you”.  You said it was because God told you to say it.  When you said it, it stopped me in my tracks. I was flabbergasted. Saying “I love you” had always been so easy for me, because I always meant it in a more flippant “love you” kind of way. I couldn’t say it back at first, because I didn’t feel it, but then as the days went on, I realized that I did in fact love you. A choice had been made. It was still too soon to know the depth of this new found love, but all of a sudden there it was. A light in the darkness, something real, something true. Something that God had brought together, in serendipitous moments and coincidences.  
I left my comfort zone to follow the guidance of the moments, and found myself as the days past quickly, further and further in love with my best friend. The magic in your eyes, the love that they express even in the quietest of moments. The touch of your hand, that sends shivers up and down my spine, the moment our skin collides. When the weight of the world crashes down on me, the strength I find in your presence. There is still laughter, even in the dark moments.
The day you told me you heard from god, saying that I was not for you, I was shaken to my core. I knew in my heart, that this was not truth. But how could I say that? You believe it to be the voice of God.
Was it the same voice that told you to tell me that you loved me? Or was it the voice of the deceiver?  Did you test the spirit? 1^st John 4:1 says to test the spirit, because there are many deceivers out there.

You are at war within yourself, because half of you believes the voice. But the other half knows that I was brought to you to restore your faith in love. To give you hope for the future. To walk with you in the here and now, to bring light and laughter to the darkness you have allowed in your world.

I cannot go back to a time where I could say “I love you” to you in a flippant fashion, so for now I will not say it at all. My hands are tied while you discover more of yourself, and who you want to be. But I cannot promise that my actions will not show my love, because all that I am- loves all that you are. Accepted both the light and the darkness of your soul.

Be a simple kind of man. Be something you love and understand. You found a woman, you found love. You haven’t forgotten there’s someone up above.
For me, to deny that I love you completely and truly, would go against everything I have been shown. So, while you figure it out, I will wait. I will do my utmost not to invade. But you must know, that this is where I am.

Amid the void these words were said

It’s time to live, let there be light

As if by magic your love appeared

To flood my soul and end my night

 

  And so 2016, one day at a time. The challenges will come. I'm sure there will be tears, but also mountain tops of joy. One doesn't realize the existence of the one without the other.  Who knows what this year will bring. Changes for sure, so day after day, moment by moment- live for the now, and hope for the future.