Goodness it's been awhile

 I didn't realize how long it's been. 

I had a cancer scare. H quit talking to me right when it happened. I think all is well now with the health, H and I are still not good. Sometimes it seems like we can be, and then others it doesn't. Found out a few days ago that he has a girlfriend, so, that caused a spiral for me, especially because I just saw him a week prior. Thank goodness we didn't go all the way, otherwise I'd definitely be feeling some type of way. 

I turned 40. Mind blowing. 

I went to Greece again. 

Going to my youngest brother's wedding in like 3 weeks out in Vegas, it'll be good it have most of the family together again. 

All that to be said: what I really wanted to process through was a client that I met with today. 

to be continued

the end of february

 New things for February:

Started a new gym twice a week. Started Yoga once a week. Got braces. Trying to do and maintain good things for my life. 

H is still gone. There is no one else. My heart is still sad and broken. I wanted us to be forever. But I can't make him want me more than just casually. So that's that. 

Been using Ai the last few days to help me come up with marketing ideas for my book, and that's actually been very helpful. But I still need to come up with a plan for a marketing schedule. And I need to figure out how to come up with images that are not AI generated, but don't cost money. Fingers crossed. 

February

 Home and family was good. But I didn't get to see Erikah and the kids because they had the flu. Aunt Barb told me she booked our cruise for June. I'm not sure how I'll afford it, but, I'm just going to stop eating out and see how much I can save. Besides, I need to lose weight, the rate this fat has compounded is ridiculous. It's not even like I eat badly. - My calories out is just too low because my metabolism sucks. 

H is apparently still thinking about me from time to time- and obviously enough my love for him is not reliant on his love for me. It just exists because it is a fact of nature. I can see the things I don't like. I see the things that I would not have patience for in anyone else. Yet my heart remains his. I don't know how to change that. 

I tried to be with someone else and couldn't. 

So I've pretty much decided that if he doesn't want me, there's no one else. I'm fine alone. 

I'm trying to make an exercise plan I can stick with. Haven't done anything yet today and it's almost 4- but I slept all day. I needed it. 

Now it's almost 5. still haven't moved. 

It's okay. 

21 days in

 It's been wintery here for so long, and my days off have been unfailingly bad weather. I need a beach day.  I need sun, warmth and ocean. 

H needed a place to stay so he reached out last week, and has been staying with me. We haven't talked. I can see him talking to someone else via text message- so I know he's no longer interested in me. Just needed a safe space to crash. It was awkward at first, sharing a bed with the memories of touching.  But, it's better now.  He did one off f me the other day. Started with him just massaging my feet, and then more and more until a happy ending was reached for us both. I will always crave him. His touch. His laughter.  But it's not mine anymore. That is obvious.  He leaves on Thursday for California, and I'm not sure if I will ever see him again. 

I think I'm going to try to move when my lease comes up. To a smaller town where I can more easily build community. I thought being here would be good, but it's been more lonesome than I anticipated.  Especially with H no longer in my life. 

What a year of loss this has been. 

Eve is gone. 

Christy is gone.

Heath is gone. 

The other guys who were marginally interested have disappeared. 

Love is obviously not meant for this life and I know I keep fighting for it, but the sooner I grasp it the better off I'll be, I know. 

Going home on Friday, and I need it desperately. 

Goodbye 2024

 I told him goodbye in the last hours of the year. End of the year, end of us. 

It probably felt to a degree out of left field to him, but I've been at my last straw with him for so long now, and with the new year upon us I had to make it official. 

But I'm dying inside. 

I said goodbye to the one I love most in the world. 

There's a panic, a despair, and a grief that threatens to swallow me whole. I know it was the right decision, but my god, it's the worst thing I've ever done. 

There is someone who wants to take his place in my heart and life. We'll see if anything comes from that. 

Down and out

 H and I are done it looks like.  More so than any other time in the past. 

If I can't respect him, how can I be in love with him? That's not to say I don't love him. I do, and always will. Same as I love Ricky, and Ayyoub, and Luke, and Micah. But I just can't. 

I'm angry sad at him today. Because I have a date with someone else. I don't want someone else. I want him. I don't want to start with someone else. I want someone who knows me already. I don't want to have to decide if I'm compatible with someone else.  I'm so mad at him. Why couldn't he love me? Why did he not try?  Why was my love not enough for him?  We could have been perfection.  

ohhh

 It's been awhile. 

Pretty status quo. Ups and downs with H. Currently in a down.  I realize that if I was anyone else, I'd be telling them to let go. Why don't I take my own advice? Don't know. Superiority complex maybe. I think that if I hold on I'm proving something, to him, to myself... it's literally insanity.  Guess it's lucky that I don't have anyone else knocking on my door. 

It's a weird thing to live alone. I'm wearing big fluffy Christmas socks, comfy pants, a sweater dress shirt. Nothing matches, it just happened. But, it's comfy. Started packing presents for my nieces and nephews to be mailed later this week. Emptied out the fridge and started boiling some broccoli that was on it's last legs. While that's on the stove, I started rearranging my todo list into my binder so that I could easily access next steps. But then I smell burning, I had taken too long away from the kitchen and the water on the broccoli had boiled away and now was burning. I jump up and put the pot in the sink filling it up with water. Turn the vent on the stove on and open the door to let out the stinky air.  This one room apartment now smells like burnt broccoli and smoke. But no one has to know except me, and now you. No one will complain. It's a whatever.