hemorrhaging

 Well. It lasted with C a while longer, things got goodish again. And then 2 weeks ago he ghosted me. And I've been hemorrhaging ever since. I've been really struggling with feeling loved but not actively wanted. Like the love is just a matter of course, but not active, just a fondness of shared history.  I spent a week solid basically sleeping when I wasn't at work, and this week, I've tried to be a little more functional this week, but it hasn't been smooth sailing.   

I just want to sleep through everything. I've watched more TV in the last month than I have all year.  Just to disassociate my brain. It's like my body said we don't like this chapter. Get to the end. But it takes time, so sleep so you get there faster. 

Even now, I woke up at 4, couldn't get back to sleep until like 7, and got up 8, took a shower, and went back to sleep until noon. It's 2:30 and I already want to go back to sleep.  I'm just not okay. 

I texted H and told him yesterday morning. He didn't text back. Not that I necessarily thought that he would. We've been semi retaining some sort of friendship.  But, I know he's not emotionally available. Never really has been. 

My other friends here have really just abandoned me lately too, so I just want to run away. Start over. There truly is nothing holding me here anymore.  But unfortunately, there's no where else that's really calling my name either. Unless I was to snowbird and work seasonally. Maybe once my braces are off if nothing's changed. 

Love is still the answer. But I'm so depleted that any I find is going to myself and to the necessary others that are my responsibility.  But it's such a downswing from the high of when love is overflowing like it was earlier this year. 

I made a difference

 I had coffee with a new friend this morning. She had read my book and wanted to discuss it. I wasn't really sure what the questions she was going to have would look like, but 8am on a Sunday, coffee in hand we went outside to talk. 

She wanted to talk about character motivations, their emotions, how they got to their mindsets. Things I don't think I even considered while writing. She wanted to share parts that hit her soul, things she's thought about for her own life because of words that I wrote. She wanted further insights into loving herself because that's something she struggles with. We talked about love being the core of happiness and what that looks like in practice. 

This needs to be remembered. Because sometimes I forget. I wrote a book. I crafted a story that helps people remember who they are, stripped down at their core. It makes them think about their lives and how they love, and where their happiness lies.  It makes them remember and process emotions that closed them off at some point, and opens them back up to living in the moment.  

I did that. 

I made a difference.  I make a difference. I am alive, and I have made the world a better place because I was alive. 

well.

 It's a good thing I only write this for myself. 

H did have a girlfriend. His dad died. He spiraled out. They broke up. He and I don't talk much anymore. 

I started talking to someone new in November, lasted until January, but he wasn't pursuing, and lived far away and only came down once and that was the initial meet. Would never talk about real stuff unless we were in person. Bizarre. And, somehow was butt hurt when I stopped initiating conversation all the time. 

In February my friends introduced me to their friend C. And I immediately fell head over heels. There's been some magical moments, ones only found in stories and movies. But once again it looks like I've gotten myself into a one way relationship.  I'm like here, let me love you, and they're like, oh this feels nice. and then the moment we're not in eachother's presence anymore they're like, nope. That's too scary. Not doing that.  

So this morning I'm just sad. Part of it is that my period is about to start and my heart hurts, so it feels worse than it is. 

Part of it is that I have overwhelming financial crisis looming, because I've had a fuckton of medical issues lately, and haven't been paying attention. My spending has been out of control, though not intentionally, just the prices of everything has gotten to inflated that it's adding up to more and more every month. 

I have to figure out other streams of income.  I wish I was comfortable with marketing myself. I'm just not. 

Goodness it's been awhile

 I didn't realize how long it's been. 

I had a cancer scare. H quit talking to me right when it happened. I think all is well now with the health, H and I are still not good. Sometimes it seems like we can be, and then others it doesn't. Found out a few days ago that he has a girlfriend, so, that caused a spiral for me, especially because I just saw him a week prior. Thank goodness we didn't go all the way, otherwise I'd definitely be feeling some type of way. 

I turned 40. Mind blowing. 

I went to Greece again. 

Going to my youngest brother's wedding in like 3 weeks out in Vegas, it'll be good it have most of the family together again. 

All that to be said: what I really wanted to process through was a client that I met with today. 

to be continued

the end of february

 New things for February:

Started a new gym twice a week. Started Yoga once a week. Got braces. Trying to do and maintain good things for my life. 

H is still gone. There is no one else. My heart is still sad and broken. I wanted us to be forever. But I can't make him want me more than just casually. So that's that. 

Been using Ai the last few days to help me come up with marketing ideas for my book, and that's actually been very helpful. But I still need to come up with a plan for a marketing schedule. And I need to figure out how to come up with images that are not AI generated, but don't cost money. Fingers crossed. 

February

 Home and family was good. But I didn't get to see Erikah and the kids because they had the flu. Aunt Barb told me she booked our cruise for June. I'm not sure how I'll afford it, but, I'm just going to stop eating out and see how much I can save. Besides, I need to lose weight, the rate this fat has compounded is ridiculous. It's not even like I eat badly. - My calories out is just too low because my metabolism sucks. 

H is apparently still thinking about me from time to time- and obviously enough my love for him is not reliant on his love for me. It just exists because it is a fact of nature. I can see the things I don't like. I see the things that I would not have patience for in anyone else. Yet my heart remains his. I don't know how to change that. 

I tried to be with someone else and couldn't. 

So I've pretty much decided that if he doesn't want me, there's no one else. I'm fine alone. 

I'm trying to make an exercise plan I can stick with. Haven't done anything yet today and it's almost 4- but I slept all day. I needed it. 

Now it's almost 5. still haven't moved. 

It's okay. 

21 days in

 It's been wintery here for so long, and my days off have been unfailingly bad weather. I need a beach day.  I need sun, warmth and ocean. 

H needed a place to stay so he reached out last week, and has been staying with me. We haven't talked. I can see him talking to someone else via text message- so I know he's no longer interested in me. Just needed a safe space to crash. It was awkward at first, sharing a bed with the memories of touching.  But, it's better now.  He did one off f me the other day. Started with him just massaging my feet, and then more and more until a happy ending was reached for us both. I will always crave him. His touch. His laughter.  But it's not mine anymore. That is obvious.  He leaves on Thursday for California, and I'm not sure if I will ever see him again. 

I think I'm going to try to move when my lease comes up. To a smaller town where I can more easily build community. I thought being here would be good, but it's been more lonesome than I anticipated.  Especially with H no longer in my life. 

What a year of loss this has been. 

Eve is gone. 

Christy is gone.

Heath is gone. 

The other guys who were marginally interested have disappeared. 

Love is obviously not meant for this life and I know I keep fighting for it, but the sooner I grasp it the better off I'll be, I know. 

Going home on Friday, and I need it desperately.