toxic

I have a friend who is self destructive in pretty much every way imaginable. From a shitty growing up experience to an adult life when the world just knocks you off your feet the first chance it gets, and repeatedly so. To top that off, he makes self sabotaging decisions because he doesn't feel like he's worth anything and might as well take out as many that hurt him as he can.

I spent 6 hours on the phone with him yesterday, mostly just listening. Today already more than a hour on and off.

It's one of those things that I have no way to help. Nothing to offer. The suggestions that I do offer are largely ignored because he's not in the frame of mind to choose what's right when the wrong choice while it might hurt him- hurts the ones that hurt him.

I sobbed today one time after getting off the phone with him. His pain is so raw, and I know there's nothing I can do. I know any move that I could make helps sabotage him. What if he makes a choice to hurt other people and actually goes through with it, and I knew about it and did nothing to stop it? Is that pain a debt I'm willing to hold on to? But if I do make a move and preemptively stop him before he actually does anything, and to be honest, ensure his death, that too is a call I'm not willing to live with. Feeling between the rock and a hard place for sure.

I'm hoping against all hope that the sane part of him with win out against the drunk angry vengeful side.

I just don't know.

Reflections

It's Easter, and I feel like that this is the time of the year I reflect the most on life and death and Christianity.

Last year was a really weird year, knowing that I was 33 and that was the same age as Jesus when he was crucified. This year, obviously I'm a whole year older than he ever was. People older than me tell me all the time how I'm still young, and people younger than me think I'm not THAT old.  So, it's still weird, and will forever be weird, probably.

I feel like I've taken a pretty major step back in the faith department over the past few years, but especially this past one. I had gotten so pissed off with God, actually I don't know that pissed off is the right way to describe it. Upset sure, but more disappointed than anything. I felt like he had promised me something and then failed to come through. I did everything I felt I was called to do, even when I didn't want to and it didn't seem like a good idea. Still I did. And the results were just crushing disaster, one right after the other.
So, I don't know if I consciously turned off my link to listen, but I really stopped getting any guidance in any shape or form. That, to be honest, has crushed my soul even more.

I feel like I just had a year of Saturday. The day of silence. The day of numb grief.

So I am hoping, dearly hoping, that today marks the beginning of a fresh start. Hope restored.

recognition

My heart stopped when I saw his face, and then beat a little quicker. I felt the draw of attraction when he smiled at me.  I sat down with him and he told me his story, and my heart just filled with compassion for him. It wasn’t a sad story necessarily, but he didn’t believe that a happily ever after really was possible any more. None of his friends had it. They were all glad to escape their wives and girlfriends. 

My heart broke a little bit for him, and his friends! That they had all caved to societal norms, but hadn’t found happiness or really anything that they were looking for besides some extent of social success. 

What he needed, I could tell from his story, was a country club babe with a heart of gold. But, that felt like an oxymoron, and as rare as a unicorn.  I was probably not what he was looking for. I knew my heart was made of gold, but, I didn’t come from the life he was accustomed to, nor was that the life I desired. 

x

I was surprised when I heard from him again after that meeting.  The second time we met up did not go as he had planned. He had had a few too many with an old college buddy the night before, so instead of meeting me at the gardens, he couldn’t get off the couch. After I had explored the gardens myself, he invited me to come sit with him- promising that it wouldn’t be very fun, but at least we would hang out.  Before long, his head was on my lap as we sat on the couch, I massaged his scalp, and he fell asleep. I knew in that moment that I loved him. Maybe I had loved his soul before in a past life, and my soul just recognised his, I have no answers. I just knew. 

As with all love stories, they never go like you think that they will. There were so many ups and downs as our story progressed, there were times where I felt like my heart would just explode because of how much I felt for him. But, there were the devastating lows, when he chose anything and everything ahead of me, because he was trying in his own perhaps unconscious way, to get me to stop loving him. He didn’t feel worthy of it, and knew that my standards were not ones that he was currently achieving.  But, the days and the months went past and still I was there, never letting him down, and always going the extra mile to be there for him, no matter the situation. 

The day he chose someone else was when my heart really broke. I didn’t know why. What she had that I did not. What made our connection just “friends”, when all I did was love him unconditionally, and support him without reservation.  I decided that he must not be attracted to me like that, and maybe that’s why spending any time with me, besides a few moments here and there- but countless hours on the phone- was too much effort. 

None of the pain was allowed to drip through into our conversations though. I held it in, not wanting to damage the relationship that we did have.  Still I loved him.

He broke up with her 6 months later, but rebounded immediately with someone else. Still not choosing me. Even though, shit was hitting the fan, and he wasn’t handling it well, so who did he want there with him. Me.  And so I dropped everything, and went straight there. I shared my heart, to an extent, and he shared his. But, the next day, he went back to his rebound, and my heart cried, again. 

This is not our life time that is meant to be together. Because even if he were to choose me at this point, I would not trust that he would continue to choose me.  But, love is never wasted, and love is a gift freely given. So, I love as I can, and retreat when I can, to protect my heart. It was another lifetime, dear one, my soul just remembers it as though it was yesterday and doesn’t know how to move on. But it’s learning, one step at a time.