toxic

I have a friend who is self destructive in pretty much every way imaginable. From a shitty growing up experience to an adult life when the world just knocks you off your feet the first chance it gets, and repeatedly so. To top that off, he makes self sabotaging decisions because he doesn't feel like he's worth anything and might as well take out as many that hurt him as he can.

I spent 6 hours on the phone with him yesterday, mostly just listening. Today already more than a hour on and off.

It's one of those things that I have no way to help. Nothing to offer. The suggestions that I do offer are largely ignored because he's not in the frame of mind to choose what's right when the wrong choice while it might hurt him- hurts the ones that hurt him.

I sobbed today one time after getting off the phone with him. His pain is so raw, and I know there's nothing I can do. I know any move that I could make helps sabotage him. What if he makes a choice to hurt other people and actually goes through with it, and I knew about it and did nothing to stop it? Is that pain a debt I'm willing to hold on to? But if I do make a move and preemptively stop him before he actually does anything, and to be honest, ensure his death, that too is a call I'm not willing to live with. Feeling between the rock and a hard place for sure.

I'm hoping against all hope that the sane part of him with win out against the drunk angry vengeful side.

I just don't know.