continuing on...

So, I was talking to my mom about this yesterday-  Remember back when Danette referred to me as a christian, and it made me uncomfortable?  Well- that theme remains.
Yesterday I went to the big church that I go to, the one that I've been seriously getting involved with. They had me sign up for some classes- which is fine, but the more I go, the more I realize that I seriously dislike it. No matter how you look at it, there are parts of me that are Christian, but the entirety of me? Doesn't qualify.  And I feel like a chameleon, which is something I've been trying not to be.
I've been reading this book Jonathan sent me called "experiencing the depths of jesus christ" it's pretty great in a sense, like I totally want people to be familiar with the concepts, especially people that have difficulty hearing God. - or want to understand to a greater degree what being one with God actually means, and how to do it.
I mostly agree with it, but, I have to admit, I do have a problem with the denial of self. Yes, absolutely following the Spirit is better than what your brain comes up with. However, there is such a declaration of you are bad, you are a sinner- that there is nothing good in you, that I feel has to be false. Your identity isn't bad. Having one, I mean. If God didn't want us to have them, he wouldn't have given them to us. We'd simply be zombies. Living as Christ, living with love, and therefore showing God in all that we are. That is what is important. Denying ones nature to be selfish, to be prideful, to retaliate when we are hurt- that is good.
I know I'm basically splitting hairs, but I just can't get on board. And the church thing, so much of it is evangelizing. So much of it is heaven or hell.  So much of the Bible being the end all be all- so much so that they say, don't agree with what I say, find the proof in the word! - It's as though they don't realize that 6 christians can read the same passage and it will mean something different to each. So it can't be your proof.  Is it loving? Does one see Jesus because of it? Will it cause someone to stumble?  Those are the questions to ask.

And I am officially a crazy person!



I am deciding whether or not to move to Florida- clear water beach, to be near Eve. I don't know. I'm inclined to go most of the time. Try somewhere new, have one of my best friends near by. But the other part of me shrinks back. That life is just a repeat of the old life, in which I'm merely living to make money. Here, I'm beginning to be a part of the community.
I don't know.