struggles

I was struggling yesterday. Not for any great reason, but, because I'd dropped off my peace lily to Judy and she and I had discussed my plans for leaving. She, knowing my whole story, is not under the impression that I should move away either.  So I get scared. I get scared that I'm not doing the right thing, that somehow I misread the signs.  And then the people that come into my work, there are SO many that I am going to miss. They all hug me and tell me to be sure to come back.  But, even when I do come back, things will be different. I'll work somewhere else.
I don't know.
So I was sad. My landlady called me to see when exactly I'd be out, because someone I know is interested in renting it. I called my friend, and it turns out that she was in a tight place as far as housing went and feels like this is a miracle.
And suddenly I felt calm again. Yes, leaving right now is the right thing to do. Coming back will also be the right thing, eventually.
This guy Brent has been texting me every day for the past 3 weeks or so. It's just mostly funny stuff, or daily stuff that we talk about. I share way more of my life than he does. He's a regular at my work, so I've known him for months, it's just recently gotten to the place where we talk. But, of course, I'm leaving. Yet I want to know who he is. I want time. But that's not the way it's going to go.  The other thing is that, he's 15 years older than me, and that's too much. And, he is/was a trump supporter.  Those are huge.  I am always concerned with consequences. What the end result will be.  I hate that I always know. It's a choose your own adventure that I check the endings before I start.
There are times I get haunted by what might have been, what if I was wrong.
Like that guy from the other day that kissed me. My blood has been on fire ever since. I find myself changing the scenario in my head, if I hadn't considered the consequences, if I had made different decisions. What would happen if I saw him again.  But, the magic of love that I possess does not continue with a life lived based on my own desires.
Over and over I see the stories of my life, the inspiration they provide, the sigh of jealousy that comes from people who made different decisions and now must live with the consequences.  But, I live this life to share it, you can't, so I will. That's why I can't make selfish decisions. The life I lead is not just about me.

And there are days I just want to be wrapped in someones arms, someone safe and strong. I don't know why that is not in the cards for me.