Testimony- new addition

This is a summery of my life- the irony- the coincidences- and how I see God in my life.

And the word of the Lord came saying, “Testify. I will make your life a testimony of my Love. “  And so it was.

I felt that it was time to re-write my testimony to include all of the magic of God over the past year of a life lived in radical faith.

My God story doesn’t feel like it has a beginning. God always was a part of my life. If you want to get down to the earliest I remember though, when I was 3, my brother said the prayer and got saved. That meant I needed to also. My parents tried to lead me in it, but I couldn’t or wouldn’t say it correctly.  I remember being so incredibly frustrated. But, finally it was said and I was “saved”.  My brother got baptized, but my parents felt that I was too young. There were many times over the years where I wanted to get baptized, but I didn’t- because I had become too proud to admit that I hadn’t ever been baptized. So, that didn’t end up happening until I was 25, I think.
When I was 8, I remember attempting a life swap. I had this really bad feeling something was going to happen to my mom, so I ask God to take me instead. Nothing happened to either of us.  I wouldn’t say that because of that, but it definitely played a part in my subconscious mind, I was God’s. When I was 14, I had to know what I believed and why. I couldn’t just believe the things my parents did because they did. I needed to know why, and it needed to be my own thoughts.  So I worked up a page on my personal website titled “My Beliefs” outlining the things I believed that were outside the standard box of Christianity.
When I was 15, my world of doctrine was rocked- what if the Bible wasn’t inerrant, what if it wasn’t God on paper? What if there were errors?!   So began my journey into a life of following “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and mind, and love your neighbor as yourself.” – because everything else would fall into place if I did those things.   As I grew older, I discovered that people felt judgement from me. That God was a God of judgement and condemnation because I stood apart from people. I was a Pharisee in my own world.  So I took a long hard look at myself, and changed, little bit by little bit.

When I was in my early 20’s, I got involved with a grass roots church that was community service based. It was just what my soul needed, love in action for the community. We asked around in the neighborhood, “What do you all need?” the overwhelming response from this poverty stricken neighborhood was “something for the kids to do.”  So, I answered the call, and started a small after school program. I had about 5-10 kids each week, aged 14-5. What a year of learning for me!  Being able to be a safe spot for these kids, teaching them practical life things, as well as just listening to them- still to this day, one of the best experiences of my life.

Leadership in the church changed, and things fell apart. I was very hurt by some of the things done and said to me, so I decided it was time for something new. It was time for me to learn Joy. How does one learn to have Joy from within instead of being based on people, circumstances, and things? So I moved to the beach, the place where happiness is found.
I learned so much there, the peace and joy found in the majesty of the glory of God manifested in nature. The coincidental God-appointed meeting of life changing people.  I had a man ask me, “What are you on?! Can I get some?”  He seriously thought I was high on something found in pill form.

Circumstances changed, due to the harsh nature of seasonal work on the beach, and I knew it was time to move on. On a wing and a prayer I wound up in South Florida, a job was provided the next day, a house and furniture followed soon after. It was a year and a half of learning new things, trying my hand at relationships. Learning the consequences of disobedience, and watching how my life choices effect other lives.  Towards the end of my time there, I was feeling restless. There has to be so much more to life than going through the motions of working to exist. What if the white picket fence lifestyle and the happily ever after isn’t in my future? What do I do then?  See the world. Experience more of what life has to offer, instead of settling for mediocrity.
So, I went back to the beach for a summer, and worked a lot- made some money and ventured off on an unplanned adventure.

My first stop was in Ohio, seeing friends that I hadn’t seen in awhile. Christian friends that I could share the stories of my faith, stories of the things I’d learned. I had been away from the Christian culture for about 3 years at this point, so it was like refreshing myself on a forgotten language. I just wanted my friends to see how much they were loved. How God is not looking at us as though we were failures, sinners- but how he looks at us and sees Jesus. How living in that love can be life changing.
I kept on my journey, stopping to see other friends who were pastoring a church in Kansas. There was more thrilling conversation about God there and the things He was teaching us. They asked about my next stop, and I told them I wanted to visit the Garden of the Gods in Colorado. They told me to make sure that I visited the little town of Manitou Springs while I was there. Little did I know that stopping there would change my life.
That morning, I parked on the edge of town, where you could park for free. I meandered my way down the sidewalks into town. The homeless population seemed to be the same as the number of tourists that morning.  As I walked, I saw a man sitting on a wall, he had a guitar next to him and he was reading.  Go talk to him. The Spirit of the Lord prodded me. “Oh hell no.” I told God. “Do you not realize how dangerous that is? I am in a strange town, thousands of miles from anyone I know. That would not be safe for a single female to do. He’s a bum, what am I supposed to talk to him about?! It’s not going to happen.”  I am walking on the other side of the street and go down into a little shop that advertised glass art, something I tend to be very intrigued by.  But the whole time I’m in the shop, God keeps pressing me. I mean it, Rebekkah. Go talk to him. And I would respond, “Dude!! You’re crazy. This is not okay!!!”  Until finally, I was like “fine. I’ll do it. But I’m not happy about this.”  So I walked back up the hill to the man sitting on the wall. To this day, I have no idea what was in that glass art shop, the whole time I was in there -that furious conversation with God was happening and I couldn’t focus on anything else.  As I approached the man on the wall, I could see that he wasn’t just reading a book, he was reading the Bible. Internally I laughed. Oh God.  “Whatcha reading?” I asked him, as he looked up and smiled at me. “The Bible,” he responded. “Yes, but where?”  “In John!”  I ended up sitting down on the wall with him and exchanging life stories for the next 2 hours.  He was intrigued by my journeying, and I was still unclear as to the purpose of our meeting- so I let him follow me on my travel blog, and adding eachother on facebook.

I headed out of town shortly after and made my next destination Seattle Washington. At this point in my life I was interested in a guy that had recently moved to Costa Rica. He had extended the invitation for me to come visit him, and we’d see if things progressed. Well, on the drive to Seattle, he informed me that he’d decided that he was not a one-girl kind of a guy anymore.  Naturally, a girl doesn’t like to hear that she is not enough, so I was very hurt.  I’d never been one to date just to date, but while I stayed in Seattle with one of my younger brothers, I dated a lot. Just to see what it was like, to try to understand. But, what I did end up understanding was more about myself, that these guys saw merely the surface of what I showed them. Internally, I’d see the ways we were not compatible, but they didn’t because I am a chameleon and only show the colors that make me blend in.  I’m not one to fight, and I’m not one to insist on my philosophy.  As I bided my time in Seattle, trying to figure out my next step, I started working at a little BBQ joint. One day a guy came in and we got to talking, he was leaving the next day to go on a mission trip to Turkey, but invited me to visit his church. I told him no, but thanks. I wasn’t really into church these days. But, I would keep it in mind. A few weeks later, a date was cut short, and I got dropped off at my house 15 minutes before this evening church began and I felt the Spirit telling me to go. Whhhhyyy. I don’t want to.  Okay fine.  I think that God wants me to either hear something edifying or meet some people in the community. So, I go. It’s a small church and I walk in, no one says anything to me- before or after service. While the pastor preached, I listened intently, but I just wanted to stand up and tell him that he was teaching the congregation of a God that sits in judgement of you day in and day out, instead of a God who looks at you and sees Jesus. The God he was teaching was the God of guilt.  After I left, I was so upset. Why did God want me to go to that church, it made no sense. I didn’t meet anyone, and the message was terrible.  I needed to vent. All of my Christian friends were on the east coast, and with the time difference it was after 10pm. But then I saw that the guy from Colorado, Micah, was online- so I sent him a long facebook message detailing my angst. That was the beginning of our friendship. It progressed rather quickly, and for quite a while I could tell he was crushing on me. I wasn’t interested at first- I complained about him to my mom, “he’s too Christian”. I knew there were other issues about him that scared me, like my dad he suffered with depression and a tendency toward bi-polar- but the biggest thing of all- he didn’t know all of me, he still only saw the me that the chameleon showed. So one day I wrote him a long long email telling him all the things he didn’t know about me, telling him the things that scared me about him in an effort to make him see who I really was. To scare him away.  He called me after that email and we talked for hours. We talked things through, and we were closer than ever.  Not too long after this on one of our several hour conversations on the phone he said something that changed my world forever. “Rebekkah, God keeps telling me to tell you something, and I didn’t want to, so I said no the first couple times.”  I laughed at him. I could totally relate. “I love you.” He said with a rush, and then added “like a sister!” as my shocked silence filled the airspace. I had never had an issue saying I love you to someone, ever, but this felt like it was before God, and I didn’t feel it yet.   We passed on to a different subject. Another conversation,  “maybe I need to move to Seattle!” he joked. “Bah! I hate it here.” I returned, “I’ll come there!”  Suddenly it became a serious conversation.  Over the next few days, I asked God about actually going there, and everything, seriously everything pointed to yes. Even my dad was in favor.  So within a week everything was packed back up in my car and I was headed to Colorado.
Over the next several weeks there were so many emotional highs and lows as we figured out our relationship. I had knocked down all of my walls for him to see me as fully as possible. God said Love- so I did, as completely and totally as I could. I learned so much about love. I finally had some real world comparison for the idea of Christ loving us like a bride. How intense, how complete.  But one day everything changed, he came into the room and said “I have to tell you something, you’re not going to like. God told me “She’s not the one.”” I sat there in shock, “You’re right, I don’t like it.”
I was furious with God. “How dare you tell him something and not tell me? When all of this has been me following You! I spoke to him because you said to. I went to that church, I messaged him, I let myself be vulnerable, I moved out here, all because YOU said to! And now this?!”
The still small voice spoke to my spirit. “It wasn’t the end of the sentence, what he heard. But it was all he is capable of hearing right now. ‘She’s not the one, yet.’ Is the whole sentence. But he needs to work on some things first, and if you’re occupying his mind and heart, he’s not going to work on them. I want you to pray together.”
Now, I have issues with prayer, especially corporate prayer- I’ve never understood the purpose, the real world effect of prayer. I talk to God all the time, but not in prayer form, usually.
So the next day, I told Micah what God had told me, and that we needed to pray together. He wasn’t too psyched about the idea either, so I didn’t push it. I failed there.
I moved back to North Carolina- leaving my heart and soul there with him, if it wasn’t time, it wasn’t time. But at this point he’d been my best friend and lover for several months and for me, nothing had changed but the distance between us.  As I left, God was telling me to Trust.  

I didn’t know how to trust, what was I trusting in? There was the ebb and flow of trying to maintain a friendship with Micah, but my feelings never changed. I loved him more than anyone else on the earth. I asked God to let it leave my heart, because if he didn’t feel the same anymore, it was pointless. “Trust me,” was the only response. “You are learning love from my perspective.” 
Spring came and after my sisters and then my best friend’s wedding, I boarded a plane to Europe. I was leaving for an indefinite amount of time, destinations yet unplanned. God just kept saying “trust me with your life. Let me be in control.”  So I did. It was terrifying. So hard. But let me tell you, the things I encountered, the people I met, conversations had, it was absolutely incredible. God started showing me hearts in random places, in the stone fence line way up the mountain in Wales- only visible from where I was standing. In the ruins of a castle wall. Two side by side pebbles in the Mediterranean sea- just to name a few. It was as if God was reminding me of His presence all the time. “You are loved. You’re doing great.”  During this time He allowed the friendship of Micah and I to grow again- deeper into sharing even more of the magic of God in our lives. What a blessing it was to be able to share all that I was learning in my struggles and successes with someone who inspired me to be better than I was. It’s an incredible thing to be loved as completely as I was.

I returned home after 9 weeks abroad lost as to my next move, where to now? What was the next step? Where do I live? I stayed with my parents for a month as I worked on the beach to recoup the money I had spent living overseas. The Lord started pressing Louisiana on my heart. Louisiana was where Micah was from, we had visited his parents there while I still lived in Colorado with him.  I didn’t want to go there. There was no ocean. There were no friends. What would I do? I would be surrounded by memories of a time when he and I were together, and that just sounded heart breaking.  But God kept saying “Go. Trust me.”  I told my friends, I told my family. Everyone thought I was crazy. Micah was the one person that supported me. He’d witnessed God in my life. As I entered Louisiana, the still small voice of God told me, “Hope. You are going to learn Hope.”

In the days and weeks following, God saw fit to allow Micah to end our friendship. To this day I am uncertain of the cause. But still the order of the day was “Love, like I love.” and “Hope.”  I was surrounded on all sides. “Hope Chapel” was the closest church to my house. Random hearts found everywhere, almost daily. A word from a stranger, “I know this is weird, and I don’t often do this, but God’s really laying it on my heart to tell you something. ‘Don’t you dare give up hope. You moved here for a man. There will be restoration in his family.’”  This stranger knew nothing of my life. I was blown away.
There was so much pain in my life. Feelings of rejection, of despair, of worthlessness. There were feelings of betrayal by God. And aggravation. Why did I still love someone who had turned completely away from me?  That was something only silly, stupid girls did, and I was certainly neither.  My prayers were constant, how could I hope, and what was I supposed to be hoping for?
My life still went on, God brought so many amazing people into my life through the little authentic Chinese restaurant where I had found a job. The area is so much more religious than anywhere I’d ever lived before. Talking to customers about God and the stories He had given me, giving love to anyone in need, almost daily. 
The Father reminded me to pray. Pray for Micah. How was I supposed to do that? I don’t know his life anymore, what was I to pray for? So I began to write prayers out in a notebook, several times a week. I realized over time, that when you genuinely pray for someone, pray that they achieve all they were meant to, that love finds them and changes their world. You cannot be upset with that person, understanding sets in, love wins over pain.
Learning to love like Jesus is never an easy process, I guess. How many times have we denied Him in our lives? How many times have we ignored Him? How many times do we refuse to communicate with Him? How many times do we shut down on Him?
Yet, ever He loves us, not only in the good times when we love Him, but in the bad times too. How great, how magnificent is that love.

I’ve been learning community here, what it’s like, how it functions. The people here in Louisiana are by far the most welcoming that I have ever lived around. It blew me away that after living here 3 months I had 3 different families invite me to Christmas dinner with them.
There has been an ebb and flow of closeness in the friendships with the people that I have started building a life around. It’s so foreign to me. Letting LOVE reign supreme, never allowing hurt and pain to win the day.  There are so many stories of coincidences that have guided my path, hearing a sermon that relates to my life. Meeting people who speak words of life. Other people who come into my life for the tiny but significant moments of meeting Jesus through love.  I cannot tell all of the stories, because so many are still in the process of being written.  But there have been so many steps, so many “oooh! This is why you have me here at this moment” times. It’s been a thrilling journey.
Over the past year that I have lived here, I have been broken, I have healed, I have loved, and I have lost. I have had faith, and overwhelming doubts. But this journey that I am on, is one of radical faith. I am learning to give over control of my life to the Father.  The only thing I am in control of is how I react to situations. I have a choice to either be love and show God in all that I am. Or, I can choose pride and selfishness and believe that my present moment is the only important thing.
I choose to believe that there is a bigger picture, that the difference that I can be in this world only comes with my choice of radical faith. Less than that, I settle for mediocrity.

Onward.