Forgetting

Why do they say that it is better to have loved and lost than to never to have loved at all?

Sometimes I wonder.
Sometimes I find myself forgetting that I was ever loved.

I had a man tell me yesterday, "I don't understand why you don't have a man. You are exactly what every man is looking for!"
Except obviously I'm not.

This is not me feeling badly about myself, my identity. This is just a touch of bitterness, I think. Remnants of pain to be unleashed.

Mornings are just difficult for me, normally there will have been dreams, and there is nothing in the morning to distract me from introspective contemplation.

I was thinking of yesterday, I saw Larry for the first time in like 2 months, and he asked me how "my boyfriend" was. It's hard not to be bitter about that. I feel like the pain on my face and in my eyes is clearly visible. He told me to text him when I got off work last night, so I did, but he was uncommunicative like he has been for the last while. I don't get this guy at all. I'm not usually confused by people, I normally understand them and their motivations quite easily, but this one, not so much.


I'm still on the fence about leaving. There have been no clear directions either way. Of course I am free to go if I want, but is that me taking control of my life and living outside of a life based on faith alone? Or is it merely the next step, and it's up to me to take it, even though it looks scary?  Why does it look scary? Because this is me limiting God to working in my life to here. As if He couldn't do it over there.
I'm scared of stepping on my own power, because I want the life of magic that happens when one walks in the Spirit.


One day at a time.