wanting

So the idea about living here was that I would learn community. This first year has been great, full of new friends, forging new paths. But the longer I remain, things start falling apart. I think this is why I usually leave after a year or so. Things/ relationships start breaking. Maybe there is a natural ebb and flow to friendships, or maybe after about a year you're finally discovering that the image you had of someone isn't what's real. I don't know.  I think that's why small town living is hard, when the tide is out you don't have the option of making new friends.
There are people here that I used to be close to, and now, for whatever reason, a separation has occurred. I'm not comfortable enough to inquire as to the cause. Maybe one day I will, but right now, it's just makes me want to retreat. Why do I put effort into people, only to be rejected one day?
And that's not even talking about relationships- that's just friendships.
My "best" friends, the ones I've had the longest, I talk to them anywhere from twice a month or so to every couple months. I love them, but they're not part of my life. Distance and life proved to be too much.
There is such a longing to be known and loved for who I am. If I wanted just a man to sleep with, that would be easy- but I want to be known. And on top of that, I want to be loved for who I am, not what I look like, or what I do for you- those are just bonus'.


So I continue on.