recovery

What do I do when I hit this point? Just let it all go.  It doesn't help to stress about it. I am in control of nothing but myself. Even that is in God's hands.
I went to Houston yesterday to see John and Tracy- friends of ours from Colorado. They moved there a couple months ago, and this was my first time going to see them. It was really nice. I think Tracy may be just as obsessed with God as I am. Hers takes a more... standard viewpoint. But she's striving to bring positivity into everything she does.
I was thinking about my obsession with God this morning. I find no meaning in life without Him. The question is, is that mature, or immature of me? I mean, don't get me wrong, I love travel, I love family, I love friends- but the things that spark the deepest parts of me- are when I stand in awe. A crazy God coincidence, a mountain peak, true love of any sort. Conversation that makes me think beyond my experiences.
I'm at the point now where I just want to grow more. Standing still and watching- like a giant tree by the bayou, standing for hundreds of years, watching people enjoy the effects of your presence. They sit in your shade, they appreciate what you do for them- and so you sit, for hundreds of years. That's what I feel like. What else is there? Can I be useful in other ways? But if we stick with the analogy, that means being cut down and torn apart. Then you become a tool, only halfway appreciated- but serviceable. Is that actually what I want?
What is the purpose to my life? Why am I?  The unknowable questions, the answers that change with the seasons.

It's Monday- and that means it's adventure day, but I haven't felt like going on an adventure lately. I don't know where to go, or what to do. It's hot, and usually stormy. I feel liberated by my solitary life sometimes, and confined by it at others.

I keep thinking of a blue lake and a chill in the air.
Or a life next to the crystal river in Colorado. A little house, raising chickens and plants. Solitary, surrounded by green meadows and clear mountain water. What a beautiful life that would be. Winter would be hard though. Trapped by snow for months on end.
But where is the purpose of my life in solitary? What am I giving to the world, by living alone?  That's why I cannot live like that. I must make the world better by my life.