tortured head

It's pretty much torture.

"I don't trust you, and I can say with confidence that I never will." What the hell? What did I ever do to him? It sounds as if I were a liar or a cheater. But I am neither of those things?

How do words make such a impact in our lives? The words designed to wound and destroy- just live on and on. Repeating themselves, eating away.

I didn't learn how to get past the initial words of his. How am I going to bear this additional load?  How do I step back and let love win, when he fights with hate, pain, and despair.
I wrote him that email, but I don't know if he got it, let alone read it.

I want to run away.

I want to erase all ties.

I want to disappear.

But I won't. That's not what love does. Love is patient, love is kind. Love doesn't envy or boast, it isn't arrogant or rude. It doesn't insist on its own way;  it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Lover bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never dies.
Not only for my heart, but I have to think of the testimony of my life. So many people know the story of the magic of God in my life. If I were to turn my back now, what does that tell them? That living by the Spirit is too hard? That a life based entirely on love isn't possible? That caving to fear and pain is alright?  I simply can't.
My mind wants to find ways around it. Justify it, to deceive myself into deciding love would leave. Love would start fresh. But it's not true.

Eli, eli, lema sabachthani?!