that moment when

your head is going a million and a half miles per hour. Change is in the air. But what does that mean?

The list of pros and cons. Which life path to choose? What is the next step?


It's funny, it really is bizarre. I'm either all in, or all out. There's no in between. I've had this thing for the past year an a half, where I've loved a person who occasionally loved me back. I didn't want to love him, because I knew it wouldn't work out in the long run. But there it was, a feeling, an action, the grandest emotion overwhelming in intensity. When he shut me out, still it was there.  Why? That's what crazy people do.  So I just waited, hoping either it would go away, or he'd become the person he wanted to be- but somehow couldn't be.

But, it's gone now. It's legit disappeared. The memory is there, but it's gone. I didn't do anything.  Maybe it was that final breaking point. - Or in reality a few days after that final breaking point.
Is it a loss of hope? Yes, and no.
What about the words "don't you dare give up hope. You moved here for a man, and there will be restoration in him and his family."  Maybe this was it. There has been a start to that restoration. I've witnessed that.  Do I feel like it's abandoning a promise? Yes, and no.
What about my life here? The connections I've formed, the community I've grown into?  I don't know. I hate to leave in one sense. But on the flip side, I experienced community in a way I never have before, and it's been incredible.

Yes, I could continue to build a life here. I have friends- at least to an extent. I could really get involved in a church- run small groups. Teach love.  Build on the relationships I have here. Bring the magic of love and hope and adventure to people's lives.

Or, I could leave.
I could go back to the beach until labor day- and make alot of money. I could go to Curacao for my birthday, like I want.

 I could go back to Colorado and work seasonally in the ski resorts- make a nice nest egg there too. Then, eventually buy a little piece of land by the Crystal River. Start building a life there.

Or I could get a job on a cruise ship, and sail around the world- meeting new people, seeing new places.
Or, I could go back to Ohio. Resume old friendships. Build up a life of wonder on the farm.

The options for leaving are really endless. The opportunities for God to use me are in everything- because where I am, God is with me.  So what do I choose?