unexpected

So that was unexpected.

I didn't go.
I mean, I went. But, I didn't stay.  There was never a time that I felt good about the move. I packed up all my stuff, put it all in my car, drove up there. Got to my aunts house, and never unloaded my car. I worked my first shift...I spent the night, and still didn't unload my car.  I had to come back down for my last day here in Florida at the hotel job, and... didn't leave again.  I just never felt right about it. Staying seemed like the right thing to do. So here I am.
It took me almost a week to find a job, but it's at an ideal location, I'll be serving and managing from my understanding. I start work tomorrow. Thank goodness.


Things with Heath are hot and cold as always. Basically what I've gathered is that he ghosted me because he was upset that I was leaving and so withdrew instead of talking to me about it.  I had lunch with him the day I decided for sure to stay, Monday. He was having a shit day and was telling me about it, adding that I was leaving. "I'm not leaving. I decided to stay." I told him, and I swear his face transformed from darkness to light.
But he had a busy busy week, and I didn't hear much from him. Even when I saw him to bring him food on Thursday, and again to watch the highschool football game on Friday. I felt like everything else was more important than me. But, then he called me yesterday as he was shopping for a shirt to wear to the ball he was going to last night- and seriously we just hung out on the phone for about 2 hours. Tentative plans were made for lunch, but I could tell as soon as he offered, he realized that that probably wouldn't be possible, so I didn't get my hopes up. More tentative plans were made for tonight when he canceled yesterday. But, he's working all day, and I'm not sure how much he drank last night, so who knows how he'll be feeling when he gets done with work this evening. 

It's so weird and difficult and just a mess.
But, no one ever loves like you do. Do they? And some people need way more time than others. So, I'm currently giving him grace.
If someone else comes along before he's realized that I am important and that he does care more than he expresses- so be it. Until that point though, I will be his friend.