move on

Last night I dreamed about you with someone else. I woke myself up, saying, "I still can't bear to dream about this". 10 months after the fact, there is still a void. There is still the sense of propriety- that we are bound together for eternity. It made me sad yesterday that your mom was at the pool, and she couldn't invite me over because you were there. Your presence here now has thrown a kink into my wonderful little world I had built.  This is not to say I wish you were gone from here, it was just easier before. I'm glad I saw you that day you apologized, so now I don't have to worry about seeing you. I wish we could be friends again though. There is a void.
I don't handle loss. I don't handle change in relationships. I don't handle lack of communication very well.
There is in me this need to be known. To be seen in the entirety of who I am. To be loved, not for what I look like, or for  what I do for you- but just because. I cannot be that vulnerable with most people. You were the only one who has seen the whole of me. But you felt you had to run away and protect yourself, that Jesus was your only hope. Not seeing that I was part of His plan- to make you feel and understand His love in the physical realm, outside your mind.  I know I'm not perfect. I have never known how to be in a relationship. I don't know when to push, and when to hold back. I don't know how to be dependent and independent at the same time, and trying- I might have done it wrong.
Where did the fun go? Was it merely that you were tormented with the thought of Morgan, that you thought I was dwelling on her also? All I wanted was to laugh with you again. To have silly conversations. To create worlds only we lived in. I wanted to be able to touch you, to hold you, without worrying if it was too much for you to handle. I wanted to go back to when you wanted me more than anything else- when love and laughter were the most natural state of being.

It is time to move on, I tell my heart.  Don't hold on to a love that couldn't stand the test of life. What about the Father, and the magic he has promised? It is outside of my control- His will be done.