why

 I don't understand why I can't just be done.  I get myself to that place mentally and then something happens. I always forgive, I always am compassionate, and more than that I always expect this time to be different. 

Saturday he called me. I had shook him with showing up to his door and he knew he had behaved in a way that was outside his character and needed to apologize. I went over to his place and we talked at length about everything that had happened in the past few weeks without talking. We both apologized repeatedly for our part in the distance and hurt that happened.  But then, I leave and things go back to the same old his selfishness and lack of caring and respecting my heart and my time. 

I'm at the point now where I would never deny anyone my friendship, but I can not ask for theirs.  That is where I am. I can't need him to be there for me. I can't expect or want this to be a two way street because the moment I get vulnerable is when I get disappointed because he doesn't come through for me. 

Part of me just wants him to change and be the one I need him to be, the one I've seen him be- just not to me. 

The other part of me just wants to move away and move on with my life. Because I know that if I stay here my heart will stay tied. 

Or if I could just meet someone else that had any sort of potential. Sigh.