Unrest

Yesterday one of my employees says to me as I walk out of the kitchen "you look rough..!!!"  so I inquired of my cooks Davis (who is the boss' other son, but is married with children- safe as a friend) he assured me that I looked no rougher than usual these days, which just means that I looked tired. Gee thanks. :-P 
I persuaded Patrick to close for me, and I went home- to bed. The little girls were still up, so they were excited to see me. After I went to bed, they each came in to hug me goodnight and to tell me about their past few days. That was nice.

That pendulum swing has me at it's mercy again, much as I try to fight against it. I think it's worse when I'm tired. As ever, when trying to figure out what people are thinking and how they are feeling, when they don't say and I can't see them to figure it out, I get scared. The rational side of me knows that this is just part of the journey, but the rest of me has only experienced that when I don't know how they're feeling and what they are thinking because they aren't saying, it means that they are done. The magic passed, and that's it. What I am telling myself is that that is the past. The past does not have to repeat. Opening my heart up to someone doesn't mean rejection is just around the corner. Sharing what love I have is only good.
The tricky part is that there is always another person's history and experiences to take into consideration.
I feel so old sometimes when teaching my children (my employees) about life and how it works, that sometimes I forget how little I know of love and relationships and how they work in practice, and I feel like a lost child with no light at the end of the tunnel to show which way to go. 
For me, I need to  be wooed for lack of a better term, it can't just be won and done. There is too much poetry in my soul, too much love to be given. But I can't always be the one giving, I need it in return as well.

With this whole situation in regards to Josh not paying rent for this whole 6 months, I have hurt feelings and the feeling of betrayal. He was supposed to have been my friend. But on the flip side, it's just money. So it's not that big of a deal, but everyone I know is acting like I need to get him out of there, that there must be consequences to his actions, that I am enabling him. But I don't see the point. I would still have to the pay the rent, even if I got him out.

I don't know what the right move is.

So currently the state of my soul is just unease. So I'm going to go out and watch the sunset and watch the planets align- Jupiter and Venus are bright in the sky tonight. I need the serenity.