failure

 I don't even know how to describe these last few days. Moments of fun, disappointment, scariness, depression, boredom, excited. 

This is the story. Wednesday afternoon I met a contractor at one the the houses we're remodeling at work. There were sparks between us and he texted me after to ask if I was single.  We talked on the phone for 3 hours that night, mostly about his past. And it concerned me, but still, I was interested to see what would happen there.  I was already sad because Heath hadn't ever gotten back in contact with me and here was this guy who seemed totally in to me. 

We made plans for Thursday evening, but then he asked if he could just come over and watch a movie with me because he was exhausted after work. I hesitantly agreed because I have been down that road with "movie watching" before. So, I told him no hanky panky expectations.  Well, it wasn't much of a visit. He didn't end up getting here until late, and he'd fallen asleep during the movie, and was impossible to wake up. I however, cannot sleep on this couch, so I went and slept on the bed until his dog woke me up. So I went and tried to wake him up again, more successfully this time, he took the dog out, and then came and joined me in the bed.  But then hanky panky happened. I wasn't too upset, because it's nice to feel wanted, but, his version of sex is way rougher than I have ever experienced it in the past.  

Friday morning, he left his dog at my house, because he planned to meet up with me again that afternoon at the Sanford remodel, but the day didn't go according to plan, and he ended up not getting back up here until after 8pm. He spent the night again.

The next morning I left to go hang out with my aunt, and he stayed in my bed. He slept almost the whole day away, except for when we went to eat and look at the other house we have a remodel project at.  We'd turned on another movie when we got back to my house and he had fallen asleep again.  I napped in my bed, and did some writing, and then went to my thing that night. He stayed.  I did all his laundry for him during the day, and his dog was making me a little crazy because she's basically a puppy and needs to run. Otherwise she'd bark, so I had to keep throwing the tennis ball for her, because he was sleeping and wouldn't wake up.  I was freaking out at this point because he'd spent way too much time with me at this point.  It was as if we were already living together and in a relationship. The more we talked the more freaked out I got. His past is so scary.  He can be such a crass individual. Like there's a hardness that I can't handle.  And while he's really good at going down on me, the rest is painful and way too much. He even cuffed me lightly last night across the face, and I just can't. I don't want an animal. I want to be made love to. If it gets a little fierce, that's alright, but violent is too much and scary.  

But, here he is in my house and I don't know how to end this all, because it's gotten out of control and I'm not okay.  Finally he left today. I had to clean up after him so much.  He even had the audacity to ask me to buy him cigarettes' on my way back from my thing last night.  I just feel so walked on. And out of control. 

Of course I didn't say anything and when he asked last night if I wanted him to leave, I let him stay because it was late.  He did leave this morning though. But still left things at my house.  

He's not a terrible person, but I don't know how to cope with him. He thinks I'm wonderful, and that is nice. But, he has a darkness that envelopes me.  It's interesting because it's not my world, but I can't be drawn into that.