The Continuation

Life has been interesting lately. No more marriage proposals, but interesting nonetheless.

I kind of had a breakdown last week. It was one of those times when everything just piles up and hits you in one fell swoop. Living alone has the disadvantage for me of feeling like no one needs me. I realize there are people who appreciate me, but actually need me in their lives? None, with the exception of my dad, but that's because he's fragile. I miss my sister Erikah, since I don't live with her, I hardly ever see her, and she never calls. I talk to her when I call her, and she always has plenty to tell me, but unless I call, I don't talk to her. We have completely different circles of friends, and much as I try to bring her into my circle, she doesn't want to. I am not invited to her circle because me and her friends have a different standard of morals, and I think she doesn't want me to think less of her (which I wouldn't) for having the friends she does.
I was concerned for a friend one night and texted another friend of mine to call me when she woke up the next day. I upset her because it woke her up at midnight. She didn't realize that the only reason I texted was because I was literally in tears not knowing how to help this mutual friend. So I felt like I was needing her too much, and she needed me to take a step back. So I did.
I was realizing how much I need other people in my life. I get to a dark place if I don't have people to talk to.
Then the question came, Why? Why do I need people? Why do I need to be needed? I still don't have the answer for this.
Maybe during this time of the ultimate aloneness God is trying to teach me that I do not have to be taking care of people.
This really applies because I've also been noticing how very very broken EVERYONE is. Including myself, obviously. I mean, I'm pretty well put together, but I can still see how my need for people is a bad thing. My want to fix everyone, just cannot be realized. That my inability to make what most people consider poor life decisions makes me come across as straightlaced, and too good.  I have a pride that is overwhelming sometimes. I cave to procrastination sometimes. Resistance beats me more often than I'd like to admit.

The moral of this story is I want to fix you, but I can't. No one can. It's like or bones are broken and while they can be mended, we're still messed up. Sometimes the bones heal crooked, sometimes it just never heals.
The christianese answer "but Jesus can fix you." Untrue. While there is help there, it's not the magic cure.
The only hope I've seen comes from Eccesiasties 4:9-12 "Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up.  Furthermore, if two lie down together they keep warm, but how can one be warm alone?  And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart."

Together. Community is the core.
We're all broken in different ways and can fill in for eachothers deficiencies. The blind man and the deaf man, the blind cannot see, so the deaf leads, and the blind man has an increased sense of hearing due to his blindness, therefore can help the deaf man.



Work is going well. I'm really enjoying being a business person. I'm way more steady on my feet than I was initially. This will be a good thing.