"Love is So Overrated
I was once asked to meet with a 14 year-old boy who had recently tried to commit suicide. When I met with the kid in the hospital psyche ward he seemed surprisingly relaxed and casual, but starting a conversation with him proved difficult.
I’d ask him questions and he’d reply with vague, one-word answers. After several vain attempts to get him to open up, he finally told me: “Why don’t you just go home? The chaplain was here already.”
“Oh? What did the chaplain say?” I asked.
“Eh, I don’t know. Something stupid,” he replied.
Now I was intrigued. “What did he say?” I pressed curiously.
“The chaplain said I shouldn’t kill myself, because G-d loves me.”
“I agree,” I said. “That really is stupid. What’s to love?”
This got the kid’s attention. “So what’s your point?” he asked.
I’d ask him questions and he’d reply with vague, one-word answers. After several vain attempts to get him to open up, he finally told me: “Why don’t you just go home? The chaplain was here already.”
“Oh? What did the chaplain say?” I asked.
“Eh, I don’t know. Something stupid,” he replied.
Now I was intrigued. “What did he say?” I pressed curiously.
“The chaplain said I shouldn’t kill myself, because G-d loves me.”
“I agree,” I said. “That really is stupid. What’s to love?”
This got the kid’s attention. “So what’s your point?” he asked.
“G-d created you,” I explained. “Therefore, you are obviously necessary. You’re a part of G-d’s divine plan. An integral piece of the puzzle. He needs you to do something so that the world can become complete. You were created with a purpose toward bringing about the ultimate fruition of G-d’s plan. But love you? Why should He love you?”
“Well what if I don’t want to do what G-d created me for?” he challenged.
“You have free choice so you can choose to do what He wants or not, but at least now you’re taking a position.”
On my way home I thought about what the boy said. The kid is right. If he tries to kill himself, it’s because he doesn’t think he’s necessary. After all, the kid didn’t have an especially hard life. He came from a decent family. But he doesn’t think he’s necessary so he doesn’t see the point in going on living.
So, to come along and tell him: ‘Oh, but G-d loves you’ makes G-d sound foolish. What’s to love if I’m not even necessary?
Children don’t want to hear from parents that they are simply loved, but not needed. Nobody wants to hear that. This kind of love is similar to the kind of love one might have for a cute little gerbil or a puppy. ‘Aw, you’re so cute. I love you.’ No one wants to be ‘cute’ or ‘cherished.’ We want to be needed and necessary. We want to matter. Our existence has to make a difference.
Being necessary is what gives us a purpose. If I’m not important, I cannot function no matter how much you love me. And the more you love me, the more foolish you seem.
If you’re necessary and needed, you’ll find the love. If you’re just loved, you’re a gerbil.
Therefore, the message to our children has to be:
You are necessary. You have a purpose. You are an indispensable part of a vast, eternal plan and what you do matters. You can either make the world or break the world depending on your choices.
Do I love you? Right now, I need you and that is much more important."
I can totally identify with this. This is what changed when Micah started saying I love you, and I told him he didn't mean it. I became the gerbil.
That's why I'm having such a time with this week of him not talking to me. I need him, but am not needed. Therefore- I have to not need him either, and that breaks my heart. I think I just need clarity as to why, at this point. He's busy with his family, and adjusting to new life back home- whereas my life remains- but with a void. It's no wonder he doesn't miss me. And I hate that I have this void.
But no one can see it. I'm a brilliant faker.
I was thinking about God today. I haven't talked to God since all this happened. I don't seem to have anything to say. It makes me wonder. There are two life paths ahead of me, one will probably have a lot of fleeting joys, the other fulfillment but not as much excitement. Always with the choices.
“Well what if I don’t want to do what G-d created me for?” he challenged.
“You have free choice so you can choose to do what He wants or not, but at least now you’re taking a position.”
On my way home I thought about what the boy said. The kid is right. If he tries to kill himself, it’s because he doesn’t think he’s necessary. After all, the kid didn’t have an especially hard life. He came from a decent family. But he doesn’t think he’s necessary so he doesn’t see the point in going on living.
So, to come along and tell him: ‘Oh, but G-d loves you’ makes G-d sound foolish. What’s to love if I’m not even necessary?
Children don’t want to hear from parents that they are simply loved, but not needed. Nobody wants to hear that. This kind of love is similar to the kind of love one might have for a cute little gerbil or a puppy. ‘Aw, you’re so cute. I love you.’ No one wants to be ‘cute’ or ‘cherished.’ We want to be needed and necessary. We want to matter. Our existence has to make a difference.
Being necessary is what gives us a purpose. If I’m not important, I cannot function no matter how much you love me. And the more you love me, the more foolish you seem.
If you’re necessary and needed, you’ll find the love. If you’re just loved, you’re a gerbil.
Therefore, the message to our children has to be:
You are necessary. You have a purpose. You are an indispensable part of a vast, eternal plan and what you do matters. You can either make the world or break the world depending on your choices.
Do I love you? Right now, I need you and that is much more important."
I can totally identify with this. This is what changed when Micah started saying I love you, and I told him he didn't mean it. I became the gerbil.
That's why I'm having such a time with this week of him not talking to me. I need him, but am not needed. Therefore- I have to not need him either, and that breaks my heart. I think I just need clarity as to why, at this point. He's busy with his family, and adjusting to new life back home- whereas my life remains- but with a void. It's no wonder he doesn't miss me. And I hate that I have this void.
But no one can see it. I'm a brilliant faker.
I was thinking about God today. I haven't talked to God since all this happened. I don't seem to have anything to say. It makes me wonder. There are two life paths ahead of me, one will probably have a lot of fleeting joys, the other fulfillment but not as much excitement. Always with the choices.
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