As each day progresses, I keep getting into conversations involving trusting God with our lives, loving truly and completely- no reservations and what that looks like in individual lives.
I'm still learning myself, but these conversations are ones for me to share what I've been learning.
In my life: I have to learn when to say things and when not to say things. The other night we had said our goodnights, I put the phone down and turned over... and then got another text "I LOVE YOU!!!" Riding high on the endorphins from that, the next morning as I sat at the beach, I made a heart in the sand and wrote "I love you" in it, with an "R+M " Very 12 years old, but I thought it was funny, took a picture of it, and sent it to him in an email.
But, that was too much for him that day. Not that he told me it was, I had to ask. But, had I waited to see how he was doing that morning, I would've known not to send it. I don't want him to just accept it and ignore it, because it's me and I'm in love with him. On the flip side though, I'm not going to deny that I love him. You have to be true to yourself, but perceptive enough to read and write the love languages of the one you're communicating with.
I'm still learning.
I shared a little of that lesson with a mutual friend of ours, not using that example, just the moral of the story. She's 19, and is emotionally unstable. She wants to love, but has had no good example of that in her life, only manipulations and angst- so she does the same. It's not how to make it last. I wish I could steal her away and show her what I've learned.
My friend Renee has also been on an interesting journey. We worked together briefly a couple years ago and stayed in on/off again communication. Now though it's been frequent... she refocusing her life on God, she's dealing with issues from her baby's daddy- he's been mia for the past 3 months...so she's trying to figure out what to do as far as child support/custody goes. It's an area of her life she is trying too hard to control, she can't control him, or the situation. So, I shared with her my discoveries of letting go and trusting God.
There is a line between what we must do ourselves, and the things we can't. Those we shouldn't stress over.
I'm exhausted. Sharing so much- pouring in to other people's lives is exhausting. It's wonderful, I love that I make a difference, and that my words get through. However, if this is the path being written for me, I need to find a way to recharge. And it can't be dependent on another person. Right now, to be honest, I am dependent on Micah for that. Talking to him refreshes my spirit. When he does or says things that show that he loves me, my soul fills up instantly to overflowing- then I pour it out on those in need around me. But, I feel like it's wrong to depend on him for that. What if he's not there? What if he stops loving me? I have experienced God's love through him. I know that when I experience the magic of God, the same overflowing happens, so it's easy to think of them as one thing, because for me, right now, they are. God is showering me with love through the words and actions of Micah. And if there comes a day when he can no longer, God will use another person, place or thing to fill me up. Well, now that I got that figured out. :)
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