chameleons and being lost

I went through my car yesterday emptying it out of all its contents. In my car, I had stashed away 13 different notebooks that I have written in over the past few years. This is only one collection. I have another collection in my parents basement, I have another up in Ohio at my brothers house. They're everywhere. But, I was reading things I had written. One notebook had some things I had written when I was 19 or twenty. One bit stuck out to me. "Does everyone feel alone in their own heads? Like there is no one they can fully be themselves around for fear of their true thoughts being ostracized?
I find myself not telling the whole of what I'm thinking, and it varies person to person."
I realized several months ago my chameleon nature, and I've been trying to be as real as possible.  But what is real? Real has been defined by who I'm around my whole life.  Every bit is real, but it looks different depending on who you're standing next to.
I messaged the unicorn about it. He was always telling me "just be yourself!" and I never understood why. Of course I'm always myself.  But I have this tendency to be whoever the people around me need me to be.  Or at least, who I think they need me to be. Around my family, I'm strong and capable. I can solve any problems. I'm responsible and dependable.  At work I take care of everything. The shift runs smoothly, I put out all fires, I make things happen. Things start to get bogged down, I unbog them. People are unhappy, I smile at them and make them better. 
With my friends, I'm religious or not depending on their point of view. There is a core of truth that I adhere to, but what it looks like is easily meshable with anything, at least on the outside.
I tend to always put the other person first, which is all well and good, except I am finding that if it goes too far, like it always does- I always care more than the other person.
I was reading things I had written about Ayyoub. How detached I made myself be because I knew while he cared about me, he didn't love me more than he loved himself.  The same with Luke. Maybe even Micah too. Though it hurts me to say that. He told me in February that he could hardly handle being a friend let alone more than that. I didn't believe him, because I had no evidence of it. I could see how much he cared about me.  There was a solid couple weeks of spiritual and emotional intimacy even with the distance, and then the switch was flipped and it was over. And I'm left wondering where I stand. Even my best friend persona is mia.  I pray it doesn't last, because he is my best friend, and I want him in my life. He is going through so much right now, that I understand why I am not on his list. It just hurts, because he is my list.
This is not to say I don't have my own life going on. I do. I cannot put my life on hold because things are not going like I thought. I'm working doubles, I'm saving money, I'm in two weddings, I'm going to Britain. When I come back, I have no idea what I'll be doing or where I'll be. That remains to be seen.
The feelings are still stashed away nice and tight. No one knows they are there. Yesterday was a little rough, just in that in cleaning out my car I found one of his guitar picks, and then when I was going through the notebooks I found my wallet sized picture of us, the extra one from the one I gave him before I left. It tore at my heart a bit, but I swallowed it and moved on.
Sigh.