it didn't break

I thought it was going to. I really did. But as I wrote him an email, I recollected that I'd been in this spot before. In January, when I was wrestling with the new situation of being 2000 miles away. It stems from a lack of trust. It stems from the knowledge and experience of nothing working out like we think it will. I know that we all have choices, and I don't trust that Micah will ever choose me.
He told me yesterday that he doesn't tell me about his exwife very much because I radiate pain when he does. I know I do, but I'd rather he tell me than not. He said that I wouldn't if I was merely his friend, and not thinking like a girlfriend. While that might be true in a way, the long and short of it is, she's terrible for him. If she were good for him, if she inspired him to be a better person, if she loved him more than herself, if she made him feel like a man, if they were compatible instead of feeding off of eachother, if she pushed him to be closer to God, if she pushed him to fulfill his dreams, if she made him feel secure in his insecurities.... then I would be fine with her. But she is not that person, and I can't bear it that she hurts him and toys with his emotions.
If I were merely his friend, I would say, "what the hell are you doing to yourself by even considering it to be a distant possibility." But, I love him, and understand that it's complicated.

He said to me, "It wasn't a pity call, when I called you the other day and said I wasn't ready to talk, but I knew you'd be missing me. It was like this: say you had just gotten home from a really long day at work, and all you wanted to do was to sit in the easy chair with your feet up, but your son has a game, so you get out of the chair and go to the game to show your love."
"Oh." was my response. I hadn't considered it from that stance.

We talked about the answers that we get from God, he was told over and over again that the kid was not his. But it in fact is. So how does that work?  It wasn't the end of the sentence, and he never questioned. Why? Because his mind wasn't ready for the answer. "We are only given the answers that our minds are ready to handle."

So how does that play into his answer regarding me? "She is not for you." Same voice.
When I heard that he accepted this as fact, I flipped out because I wasn't told the same thing. So, I questioned God. "What the hell?" And he told me, that there is a "yet" at the end of the sentence. Because he can't do this right now. He's not ready.
And I know this to be a fact.
But where does this leave me? What is my role in the meantime? Or is it actually a meantime? I have never been given only part of the answer before, but of course it's possible. Maybe that was the answer I needed for my reality.
I needed to learn about relationships, how to do them, how not to do them, how to love with everything that you are, and what you need in response. These are all things I've learned an am learning. Things that most kids these days learn because they have boyfriends at 13. I'm 30. I obviously can learn things way better than a 13 year old, but still.
So either way, I have no regrets. This is an important learning experience in my life.
But see, I can't dwell on my answer either. Because if I do, I hesitate to choose things, because I wonder if they are the right choices to fall in line with that plan. But that's me trying to be in control again. "Into your hands I commend my spirit."