that moment

when they won't hold back, and just cascade down your cheeks.
I've been incredibly productive and hanging on by a thread kind of day today. First thing this morning I got a phone call from my Florida insurance agent because they wanted to tell me that they can't change my address to up here in NC, Florida and NC car insurances just don't mesh. "I'll take care of it." I tell them calmly. Internally I freak out. How am I going to change my car insurance without a copy of the title to prove that I'm not under a lien anymore? I don't even have proof of address for here. What am I going to do?
I call the bankruptcy lawyers, maybe their phone will be turned back on, and they will have some answers for me as far as getting my title.
The girl looks it up again. She says since the bank won't send it to me, and the DMV doesn't list it as under lien, technically I should be able to go to the DMV and request a duplicate copy stating that it was lost in transit.
Well, that's potentially good news. However, that means that I'll have to go to the Broward county DMV. I could get them to mail it to me, but then, I'd need a NC drivers license with proof of new address, and I'm not doing that. Plus, even if that worked, it would be at least 4 weeks. So, I have to figure out what to do. Should I rent a car next week and drive down? It would be about $200 for the trip. Or do I just wait? And go down before I go to Colorado in May?  Which gives me a limited amount of time to sell my car. Though I could just leave my car for my dad to sell for me.
But then when I come back, I'll have to buy a car... Or I can just leave the car here until after I come back and have time to find a car. 
So, the question yet remains, when should I go get the title? I guess if I do the math, I should just go in May and get it, I'll have the time, and I'll have already had to rent a car.  There's no real need to have the title right this second. 
Reason being, I was able to go to my old insurance lady and get my NC insurance back, simply told her I paid off the car and she didn't require proof of address. So there is no especially pressing reason to get the title right now. Unless I wanted to sell it before I left. Which I kinda do, but it might not be the smartest move.
I sent Micah a message asking him to call me when he could so I could run this stuff all past him. 10 hours later, he  still hasn't called. It's funny how much anxiety builds up just because of that. I just felt like I needed someone else to help me think through pros and cons. I approached my dad about it, but his response was, I don't know... and did you want me to have a solution?  Incredibly unhelpful. I didn't expect him to have an answer, but maybe an opinion.
Of course I can do this all on my own. Of course I will do it all on my own. But I goddamn well don't want to. I'm supposed to have a best friend. You tell everything to a best friend. You run ideas by them. You use them as your checks and balance to make sure you don't go off the deep end.
I talked to Eve about it, but she's a girl and doesn't really know car stuff.
And so there are moments that tears just flow. You don't want them to, but there they are. That thread that you hold yourself together with unravels. And as days go by, with each step closer to the leaping point when you don't know what lies on the other side- the anxiety builds, and the people that were beside you step back. You know they wish you well- but why did they have to step back already? I'm scared.  Why do I have to always do life alone when things are the hardest?
I swear every time the going gets the roughest, that's when everyone retreats. Every single time.
Do I make it through? Of course. But it's shit.