I told him I would be fine if it ever came down to this. I genuinely thought that I would be. But the proceeding events leading up to it, I am having a really hard time being true to my word.
I'm feeling extremely irrational, exceedingly pessimistic, and broken- which is all completely over reactionary. The words, "I need some time, please don't contact me at all." and then, "it's not personal" and ends with "I love you". but yet I feel broken. I know rationally that I shouldn't. 5 months of every day communication... why do I doubt even still?
Because I have stupid dreams, because it's a certain time of the month, because I'm jealous of everyone else that has gotten to be a part of his physical life for the past 2 months, because I would go to the ends of the earth for him, and mostly because I have fought wars in my sleep and am just exhausted. So, today I am broken.
Tomorrow starts my 80 hours of work, so I will be able to tell myself not to miss him until May. No promises after may 10th.
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