it seems to be working

the no feelings thing. It's like I shoved them all in the corner and covered them with a tarp. So at work, it's as though nothing is wrong. But deep down inside, as I stand there slicing tomatoes, I'm overanalyzing everything even still. Did I say too much, is that why? Did I not let him have his space? Do I simply care too much? I hope he's happy. I wonder if I ever  cross his mind.  Maybe he needs to forget about me. I hope not. Maybe that's what he decided. How can you tell someone not to contact you? What if something happened? I don't understand. Yes, yes I do. God damn it all to hell. Things can never be simple. Oh god, I miss him so much.---- and yes, these are the stream of thoughts that run through my head. And yes, obviously I know I'm a crazy person.

He reached out today and called while I was at work, leaving me a voicemail that said that he wasn't ready to talk, but if I needed to talk, he might be available, but he was playing at open mic night. Dude, if you're not ready to talk, you're not ready. I'm not forcing you. Do you not understand that I love you at least that much?  And, if you don't want to talk to me, I certainly don't want to talk to you. Nothing kills the soul more than talking to the one you love, and that person not actually wanting to talk to you too.



Both jobs seem to be going alright now that the air is clear. I can do this. It helped that I slept for 12 hours yesterday. I got home from work around 5, and slept until almost 6 this morning. My back has been in spasms since lunch time. I had to change my shoes at work, and therefore my entire outfit. haha. I was wearing a skirt and flats at first, but that was a mistake, flats on concrete standing still- not a good choice. So I had to switch to socks and shoes, but that wasn't going to match the skirt :-p so I had to change to pants also- all because of back spasms. I had to hold my breath while mopping in order to hold my muscles in their proper place. I was dying. They let me out 10 minutes early, so I went outside and laid on the picnic table to relax my back- which helped for a little bit. 2nd shift was a little rough, but since I had changed my shoes life was a thousand times better. Now as I finally relax, it feels like my heart is beating in my back. You've got 7 hours to rest, and then 16 more hours to go before another rest.