Maybe that's why I've hated the fact that I've been dreaming so much after coming back here. There tends to be a layer of truth to my dreams, so it's impossible to tell what part is going to come true and which part is just a dream.
The other night I had some pretty intense dreams. All about fighting and love being the weapon that could end it all. Very legit. I didn't really dream last night, because I was hardly sleeping. Micah was driving through the night to meet up with his exwife for the paternity test. So, I'd doze on and off sending him a couple texts just to make sure he was awake and doing alright. After he finally got there, I fell asleep and dreamed. I dreamed of he and her riding bikes through the park, totally happy together. So I switched dreams, and had a stress work dream. I was at the Dunes, there were scheduling conflicts, I was doing everything... so I woke myself up again. I looked at my phone, I have a text from Patrick (from the Dunes) he's telling me my schedule, and as I read it, I realize that there are going to be scheduling conflicts for real.
So, yesterday, I played the part of the supportive best friend. "No matter what, it's going to turn out great." I kept telling him. Today though, today I know it will be fine for him, but for me, that is still up in the air. He told me the other day that I can't be scared of loosing him. But, I am, deep down. That's why I'm afraid of him choosing someone else, because, I know, that is the point where I say goodbye.
The unselfishness demanded by love, true love, is so easy, yet some days, so incredibly hard. I haven't failed yet, but I'm sure I will at some point. And that's scary too.
Apparently my faith is lacking today, and I don't know why. Maybe it was the wars of the nights the past 2 nights. I felt myself on the winning side, but not absolutely victorious.
I am crazy. I know.
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