hope and despair

I spent a pretty awesome couple of days with Micah on my way to Louisiana. He was happy to see me, he fixed my car. We laughed. He taught me how to shoot guns, (I felt like a redneck.) I met his new best friend and hung out with them.  Had dizzying sex the first night.
But the last day, we had to talk about where we stood. About his issues. About who I am to him.
The results weren't completely clear. The negatives were astronomical. Back when we were together, he said holding my hand didn't feel right. He said that the chances of him being with me in 10 years is the same as any other girl in longview. So, my odds aren't better than anyone elses'.   He said chances are, he's going have more lessons to learn as in, going to have to date more people to learn what he needs to learn. He said that I am no longer a safe spot for him.  He said that chances are when he visits Louisiana he won't be visiting me, and he won't even tell me he's in town. Simply because of the stress it brings to him to even see his family.  

How can that not kill ones soul? What kind of a girl can hear that and keep going?

There were positives, he loves me- more than his mother, which isn't actually saying much. He would like it if the things God has told me were true, because he does love me, and thinks I'm amazing and sexy, and awesome.

He thinks I'm a glutton for punishment, that it's unhealthy for me to be even his friend, given the way I feel about him.

I drove away from him for the first time without an intense hug goodbye, just a casual one. I was proud of myself, I wasn't in despair of leaving the one I loved. I didn't feel like I was being exiled from home again. I was okay.  God said "trust me" who knows what that means, this couldn't possibly work.  But okay.
I pull out my phone to get directions. Somehow my butt had opened archived photos, and the one that was open was a picture of our shadows and he was kissing me.  I've never posted that photo, but I love it.  I lost it. I couldn't stop sobbing.
And the radio was playing a song about keeping hoping.
Even when he and I were talking I looked at the wall beyond him, and in the spakel, there was the shape of a heart.

It's like at every turn God says "HOPE" and "TRUST ME" and "LOVE like I love". The first adventure was love, the second added "trust me" and the third has now added "Hope" to the lessons I am learning.  I don't see how. I don't see hope.
I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know why I'm here. I don't know where I'll work. I don't know what to do. I don't even have a plan for what to get accomplished today.