valentines day letter

 I don't usually say anything for Valentine's day, I don't think. But this year, I want to. I've told you a million times that I love you, so you may not need me to say it again.  

I read this thing the other day that said to love someone long term is to attend a thousand funerals of who they used to be. I think that's why it scares me so much, that we don't talk anymore. I don't want to love who you used to be.

I like loving you. I think it brings out the best in who I am and who I can be. That day in September that you told me about in meditation if you thought of me you could silence everything and bring the quiet from the deepest part of you. I knew you loved me and I loved you. It felt like the validation of everything. "Love Wins" has been my mantra for years. If you just love people hard enough, anything is possible. - I'm not meaning that in a romantic sense, just in general. People blossom when they know they are loved.

I think that's why I think of you like I think of the sun. You know I require the sun in my life. If I'm not brown, my stress and unhappiness are high. It's not because of how I look, it just makes me feel good. The vitamin D, the magnesium- the endorphins. 
I crave you like I crave the sun. I crave your words, the sharing of life and laughter, deep talks of our souls. I crave your touch. The fire that lights me up when you touch me. The safety I feel, the love that I see. I crave it all.

Without it, I feel like I'm stumbling along, trying to make sense of the world. An alien in a strange place, blinded by darkness. You are the light for me. 

I was going through a guided lesson, and the questions were asked: "In 5 years, who are you with? What are you doing? What does your life look like?" I had a melt down. Because, envisioning a future without you was unthinkable. But envisioning a future with you was setting myself up to be disappointed. Not for any other reason than I don't know if you want me in your future anymore.

I loved you to begin with by accident, I couldn't tell you why it happened. But, now, I love you on purpose and without end. Even if it never is more than it is. I love you forever and for always. Happy Valentine's day.