too much and not enough

I just want to curl up in a ball and die. I hate emotions.
Joie De Virve Café in my town posted that they were hosting Micah Dupuis between 9-whenever. I figured if I went in at 8:30 when they opened, I would miss him. No, he was sitting behind a pole when I walked in. "hello stranger!" he said in the voice that sets my soul afire. He comes over and hugs me. I don't know what to say, what to think. This is the one that hates me, what is happening. I lightly return the embrace and he asks if I knew he was there, "no," came my immediate reply. I didn't clarify, that I knew he would be there at some point, but I wasn't expecting him, I was hoping he'd not be there yet. Too many emotions, my brain is scattered. He goes back to sit down while I order my drink, I look over at him...just... I don't know how to handle this reaction. Finally, words squeak out in a scared rabbit voice. "Micah, did your dad tell you about Larry?" he jumps up and comes back over to me, "yeah, he left me a note on a postitnote that I made out something about him. I'll probably get in touch with him." - the girl hands me my drink, "do you have a minute that you can go outside and talk?" he asks me. "of course."  We go outside and sit down, he smokes a cigarette. He apologizes, and I hurry and tell him, no worries. I apologize back, he says he understands. Understands what? Not wanting to let go. I shrug. It was more the widely differing answers.
He asks me how life is here in breaux bridge, and I tell him in a very short nutshell, that it's been incredible.
He tells me he's moved back here, and will be around for at least a year. I take this in.
His arms are shaved, so I ask him why, he tells me everything is shaved, and his piercings are back in too. I wouldn't say part of me died hearing this, but it probably did.
He's no longer the person I remember. 9 months has changed him. There is a hardness behind it all. We get interrupted and then it's time for him to go in and play, he gives me another brief hug and I go on my way to church.
I came back for a half hour afterwards, just to show my support and forgiveness. Then it was off to work again. Just all sorts of emotions.
If...if he wants to be friends again, that's on him. we'll see how this plays out, until then, I do my thing, same as always.
One day at a time.