Seeing him, alive and well. To briefly catch up. To know he's here. All of this has created the perfect storm in my heart. No, he hasn't texted me. No, he hasn't added me on facebook. No, he made no attempt to return to being friends, besides the apology. I know he won't, because nothing has changed. He still doesn't trust me. He still believes he's better alone. He still doesn't want me to love him. So he will not open that door. And I understand that.
For me, I just want to talk to him. I want to tell him all the things I've learned, all the things I've experienced. I have grown in so many things since the last time I talked to him. I just want to share it all. I want him to go on adventures with me. I want him to see my little house and gardens.
But on the flip side, the things we talked about, his appearance, the hardness in his soul, scares the shit out of me. Those are not the person I knew. Those are not the person I fell in love with.
I knew I loved a memory, but I didn't realize how drastic it would be.
So where does that leave me? Lost.
What does it mean? I have no idea. I don't know where this will head. I don't know what life will bring.
Ever in the Father's hand.
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