compartmentalization

 I do my best thinking in between waking and sleeping. I don't know why, maybe because my imagination is wide open from dreaming.

Anyway, my thoughts today ran to H, as they usually do. My brain is always trying to figure him out, and see if there is a way through the mess. 

We talked on Thursday- and I went over there. I should have asked him to come up here, because I might have gotten him longer. Be that as it may, it was a wonderful time. I felt loved and wanted and desirable. We'd been talking about how we needed to get back to the basics of what we enjoy doing together before the physical stuff became a part of our lives. He brought it up, not me, which was a good sign, I thought. We did a little of that, but, the physical was too distracting. So we played around and made love in so many ways. 

As I left he asked if he could call me later, which he does often when I leave, to which I always reply to the affirmative. He never calls.  

So, I'm left with always wanting more. Before we were physical, he used to tell me everything that was going on. Any time of day I could basically tell you where he was and what his plans were for the day. Once we slept together for the first time, everything changed. He told me that he put too much on me, and didn't want to keep doing that. That was when the door to his life shut.  There's glimpses through the windows every now and then, but I was put into a compartment. The struggle we have now is because I don't want to be put in a compartment, I know what it's like outside of it, and I don't like being confined. But, he's scared of me because I know too much. The girls that he's let outside of the compartment haven't been privvy to his innermost thoughts like I have been. 

And so here we are, I sit here waiting to be let out of the compartment, while he struggles to keep me there- and so feeling are hurt on both sides, and we both want to let go, but can't. 

The more I understand, the more I can forgive. I need to talk to him about all of this, but my emails don't get read, and text messages can't be longer than a sentence or two. I'm going to ask him about voice messages, maybe that will help.