hemorrhaging

 Well. It lasted with C a while longer, things got goodish again. And then 2 weeks ago he ghosted me. And I've been hemorrhaging ever since. I've been really struggling with feeling loved but not actively wanted. Like the love is just a matter of course, but not active, just a fondness of shared history.  I spent a week solid basically sleeping when I wasn't at work, and this week, I've tried to be a little more functional this week, but it hasn't been smooth sailing.   

I just want to sleep through everything. I've watched more TV in the last month than I have all year.  Just to disassociate my brain. It's like my body said we don't like this chapter. Get to the end. But it takes time, so sleep so you get there faster. 

Even now, I woke up at 4, couldn't get back to sleep until like 7, and got up 8, took a shower, and went back to sleep until noon. It's 2:30 and I already want to go back to sleep.  I'm just not okay. 

I texted H and told him yesterday morning. He didn't text back. Not that I necessarily thought that he would. We've been semi retaining some sort of friendship.  But, I know he's not emotionally available. Never really has been. 

My other friends here have really just abandoned me lately too, so I just want to run away. Start over. There truly is nothing holding me here anymore.  But unfortunately, there's no where else that's really calling my name either. Unless I was to snowbird and work seasonally. Maybe once my braces are off if nothing's changed. 

Love is still the answer. But I'm so depleted that any I find is going to myself and to the necessary others that are my responsibility.  But it's such a downswing from the high of when love is overflowing like it was earlier this year. 

I made a difference

 I had coffee with a new friend this morning. She had read my book and wanted to discuss it. I wasn't really sure what the questions she was going to have would look like, but 8am on a Sunday, coffee in hand we went outside to talk. 

She wanted to talk about character motivations, their emotions, how they got to their mindsets. Things I don't think I even considered while writing. She wanted to share parts that hit her soul, things she's thought about for her own life because of words that I wrote. She wanted further insights into loving herself because that's something she struggles with. We talked about love being the core of happiness and what that looks like in practice. 

This needs to be remembered. Because sometimes I forget. I wrote a book. I crafted a story that helps people remember who they are, stripped down at their core. It makes them think about their lives and how they love, and where their happiness lies.  It makes them remember and process emotions that closed them off at some point, and opens them back up to living in the moment.  

I did that. 

I made a difference.  I make a difference. I am alive, and I have made the world a better place because I was alive. 

well.

 It's a good thing I only write this for myself. 

H did have a girlfriend. His dad died. He spiraled out. They broke up. He and I don't talk much anymore. 

I started talking to someone new in November, lasted until January, but he wasn't pursuing, and lived far away and only came down once and that was the initial meet. Would never talk about real stuff unless we were in person. Bizarre. And, somehow was butt hurt when I stopped initiating conversation all the time. 

In February my friends introduced me to their friend C. And I immediately fell head over heels. There's been some magical moments, ones only found in stories and movies. But once again it looks like I've gotten myself into a one way relationship.  I'm like here, let me love you, and they're like, oh this feels nice. and then the moment we're not in eachother's presence anymore they're like, nope. That's too scary. Not doing that.  

So this morning I'm just sad. Part of it is that my period is about to start and my heart hurts, so it feels worse than it is. 

Part of it is that I have overwhelming financial crisis looming, because I've had a fuckton of medical issues lately, and haven't been paying attention. My spending has been out of control, though not intentionally, just the prices of everything has gotten to inflated that it's adding up to more and more every month. 

I have to figure out other streams of income.  I wish I was comfortable with marketing myself. I'm just not.