hemorrhaging

 Well. It lasted with C a while longer, things got goodish again. And then 2 weeks ago he ghosted me. And I've been hemorrhaging ever since. I've been really struggling with feeling loved but not actively wanted. Like the love is just a matter of course, but not active, just a fondness of shared history.  I spent a week solid basically sleeping when I wasn't at work, and this week, I've tried to be a little more functional this week, but it hasn't been smooth sailing.   

I just want to sleep through everything. I've watched more TV in the last month than I have all year.  Just to disassociate my brain. It's like my body said we don't like this chapter. Get to the end. But it takes time, so sleep so you get there faster. 

Even now, I woke up at 4, couldn't get back to sleep until like 7, and got up 8, took a shower, and went back to sleep until noon. It's 2:30 and I already want to go back to sleep.  I'm just not okay. 

I texted H and told him yesterday morning. He didn't text back. Not that I necessarily thought that he would. We've been semi retaining some sort of friendship.  But, I know he's not emotionally available. Never really has been. 

My other friends here have really just abandoned me lately too, so I just want to run away. Start over. There truly is nothing holding me here anymore.  But unfortunately, there's no where else that's really calling my name either. Unless I was to snowbird and work seasonally. Maybe once my braces are off if nothing's changed. 

Love is still the answer. But I'm so depleted that any I find is going to myself and to the necessary others that are my responsibility.  But it's such a downswing from the high of when love is overflowing like it was earlier this year.